Dead Religions

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Pardon my delay in responding. Contrary to vicious rumors that have been circulating, the news of Alex Stimson [former Media Relations, Eugene Emeralds] leaving the organization did not put me in the fetal position, listening to GnR’s “Cold November Rain” on an endless loop. Grizzled minor league veterans realize that personnel departures are just the nature of the profession, and everyone continues to march forward because TOUCHING THE NIGHT waits for no one (you should advocate that Stimson’s name be removed from the team website and your contact information be put back on). I have been very busy with other MiLB endeavors, including running the Twitter account of a certain MiLB organization, plus the golf polo designs, a college football road trip to Boise, and other things that really should not be discussed outside of a dark bar.

During the time between our missives, I did design a season ticket plan that targets the country club crowd who have no qualms spending copious amounts of money at the ballpark of expensive booze. This plan would involve myself formally working with the Emeralds in a remote fashion, preferably with a national membership at Eugene Country Club. When I presented it to Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds], he responded with an encouraging, “Fuck off, Bads85!” which is code for “Abracadabra! Make some magic happen!” Last time he told me that, I raised $1900.00 for his pet charity in twenty-four hours, mostly while sleeping as a quite mad hockey analyst drove to Eugene through the dark California night. I am sure he will come around completely soon, especially with a little prodding.

You mentioned that the Emeralds’ employ the democratic method in the front office when shaping promotions. I have found that voting in MiLB front offices is greatly influenced by donuts. A Boston Kreme or Maple Glaze can move mountains in terms of a co-worker’s opinion. I am sure a couple of you comrades cannot be bribed with a donut, but I am sure we can get Anne Cullane [Director of Community Relations] on our side in The Hulk versus Squatch cage match idea if we promote Sluggo joining Doctor Strange in some psychedelic promotion night (get that Dead tribute band back at PK Park). Once Anne is on our side, Grumpy Allan and Pragmatic Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager] will probably be the only ones who need convincing, and the chocolate sprinkles should get Allan to relax.

Anything new on the promotions front beyond the Marvel Entertainment deal? Word on the street is that the Danville Otterbots have a flame thrower. I have yet to confirm that from a reputable source, bit how cool would it be to have one of those a PK Park? If you supply enough donuts to the front office, I bet they would vote to let you have flame thrower duties. Get some interns to make paper mache’ facsimiles of the opposing team’s mascots, and GO TO TOWN. If you melt a little turf, or set the outfield wall on fire, who cares? The Ems are getting evicted from PK Park anyway. Do not burn the intern though because the paperwork is fierce when that happens. Ask me how I know!

Anyway, I have to pack for the big Arizona Fall League trip this weekend. As always, I am confused about what I should wear. Unfortunately, the Ems have not released their 2021 Championship gear yet, so the struggle is real. Check the 66ers’ Twitter feed for live updates from the road.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I see you are searching to hire an Account Executive; Ticket Sales, and that person’s number one job responsibility is to generate revenue through season ticket sales. I am glad to see that you are investing in building a season ticket base, no doubt a result of my last missive, which was a while ago. I must admit I was initially a bit hurt that you did not reach out to me personally to offer me the job. After all, we shared a hotel room on the road together. However, my son, a grizzled minor league baseball employee, informed me that you probably did not think I was interested in such a position. Well, Allan, it is time for me to embrace the next chapter in my profession journey, so I am officially announcing myself as a candidate.

Before we talk hard numbers, let’s take some time to reacquaint ourselves with each other. Spokane was quite sometime ago. How has life been treating you? I bet you have been busy designing those championship rings (I will send you my ring size). As you have probably heard, I have been very busy since MiLB announced its partnership with Marvel Entertainment. I have also been tearing up the Inland Empire 66ers’ fantasy football league because I am a winner. Joe Hudson [General Manager; IE 66ers] has the potential to have the worst team in fantasy football history. I fear he is a broken man at this point. Maybe you should fly down to visit him. We can play golf and make him whole again.

I know you are probably thinking more about me working with you than Joe Hudson’s fragile psyche, and so let’s talk about me selling season tickets. All I need is an official Eugene Emeralds email address and a health plan, and much of Eugene will have 2022 season tickets as stocking stuffers this year. I do not have to live in the Eugene area to successfully cold call prospective customers, especially since most initial contacts will be through electronic missives, which the cool cats these day call “emails”. For instance an initial correspondence might look something like this:

Dear Rich Spurlin [General Manager; Eugene Country Club]:

I had the immense pleasure of playing your fine course this past summer, and it was a highlight in a wonderful year for golf at places like Sawgrass, Harbourtown, and Couer d’Alene. As the newly appointed Season Ticket Director of the Eugene Emeralds, I would like to extend a person invitation to you and your members to become a season ticket holder of the Eugene Emeralds. As you have probably heard, our organization is in the process of constructing a new, state of the art baseball stadium, and all season ticket holders will have first rights to purchase season tickets… blah blah blah, add something about how you, Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralsds} should take up tennis because your slice in incurable, blah blah. Perhaps we can meet on the links to discuss this.

Your friend in golf (and baseball)

Bads85

I know you are thinking, “Bads85, quit fucking with me! You are so overqualified to be an Account Executive, and you really don’t want this position. I cannot afford to pay you what you deserve, plus I need some on game days.”

Allan, my good friend, compensation is always negotiable, as are job responsibilities. Strong minds can find common ground, especially when we live in a glorious time in which technology allows us to bridge vast distances. Besides, what do you have to lose by letting me officially pursue season tickets accounts through an official Emeralds’ account? I promise I will not use it to contact the Myrtle Beach Pelicans… unless you tell me to do so.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: When will the championship merchandise be released?

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Have you ever thought of pursuing bowling as a hobby instead of fantasy football? This week was your fourth loss in a row, and your margin of defeat was so large that as the Monday night game waned, I was rooting for your wide receiver to start making catches, even though you were my opponent. Look at the bright side though: your team has scored more points than Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]’s. You are also third in the waiver wire, so you can bolster your team to stave off Hudson, who might be inactive by now (he has only made one transaction all year).

Sorry I have not been communicating much recently, but ever since MiLB announced its partnership with Marvel Entertainment, my creative services have been in demand. I did have an idea for the 66ers: Knocker Ball with Joe Hudson vs. Marvel’s Captain America. Joe is the Inland Empire’s version for Captain America, so a cage match between the two should bolster attendance and the coffers of the 66ers’ charities. Do the 66ers have a Director of Promotions for next year? Should I throw my hat in the ring for the position? Rumor has it that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is looking for a Director of Season Ticket sales, but I would rather stay local.

Hey, when is Hudson going to pay off his bet to me? Have the golf polos been ordered? There has not been a tweet on the 66er’s Twitter account since September 15^th, and that was not even an original tweet. Do you know how many Bernie pics I could have tweeted by now? Turn Bads85 loose! If word gets out around MiLB that Hudson does not pay his bets, well, that could get dark. Real dark.

Are you stoked for the Nitro Circus on November 19^th? I am not, but will probably go anyway because any excuse to go the ballpark after the Arizona Fall League works for me, plus Little Bads is going to work it. Of course, it the Aguilas de Mexicali are home that weekend, I might go there instead. Life is open choices. Some doors open. Some doors close. Some doors have security cameras and should be avoided.

Are you going to be at the 66ers’ World Series party tonight? I sure hope so because no one from my crew is going now. Sigh, I had such high hopes for this group. Perhaps I need to start looking for recruits that are more dedicated after summer’s end. I bet the local drunk tank is full of candidates.

Gotta run. You and Joe should have a big hug for emotional support since the fantasy football gods are so cruel to poor drafts.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer and Game Director; Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, Sir! The last time we were together, we were closing a hipster speakeasy in the wee hours of the morning in Spokane, and the Eugene Emeralds were on their way to a High A West Championship. We were slamming some Norwegian liqueur that really made my head throb the next morning. A couple of nights night prior, we were daredevils riding electric scooters to bars on the distant horizon. I will have you know you have become somewhat of a legend in certain Low A West front offices because of a circulating video of someone with your likeness finishing a Beer Bat with one long pull in the Spokane Indians’ front office.

I am writing you to compliment you on the design of the Emeralds’ new jerseys for next season. Both the Green Retro and the Script Home are CRISP. I was going to order one of each today, but I was wondering if some championship merchandise will be coming soon also. Let’s face it, the postman has a hard time leaving the Ems’ front office in a quick manner, so I do not want him to have to make too many trips. Did Allan Benavides [General Manager] tell you of my t-shirt idea? The shirt would have a picture of Squatch on an electric scooter with the caption “I Risked HEAD TRAUMA to Ride with the Emeralds on their 2021 Championship Run.” Even if Allan does not let you print them in large quantities to see to the masses, perhaps you can print a few for those who were there in Spokane that week. Just bill my account.

Speaking of designing things, I bet you are excited with MiLB’s partnership with Marvel Entertainment. You will probably be able to create some killer t-shirt designs of Squatch kicking The Hulk’s ass, or Iron Man stuffing the Spokane’s Indians’ Recycle Man into a blast furnace. Perhaps Doctor Strange can teach Sluggo some arcane arts. Maybe you can cook up something with Loki and Allan Benavides, sporting his sweater vest. Thanos obliterating Hillsboro has charming possibilities also.

I can hear All now muttering, “Jesus Christ, it is not even Halloween and, Bads85 wants us to push the trademark limits with Marvel Entertainment.” Well, Allan, we really are not pushing anything; your graphic designer is creating art. Marvel will probably be very impressed and want to pursue your graphic designer’s vision even further. The very worst thing they will do is send your organization a strongly worded cease an desist letter. Ask me how I know! I get those all the time.

Hey, maybe Marvel Entertainment would be interested in being a corporate sponsor for the Emeralds’ new stadium. If we started circulating that rumor now, it would probably drum up some season ticket sales. More importantly, pressure could be applied to fine folk at the Lane Events Center to get the ball rolling in terms of stadium land. After all, Iron Man and Captain America have more clout than Squatch and Sluggo… for now.

Anyway, I have to run for now. The Wichita Wind Surge just will not leave me alone. I hope to discuss future Marvel plans soon. Give Allan a hug for me. He seemed a little down in the news release today.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good man. The last time we saw in each other was that tearful good bye in the hotel in Spokane during the High A West Championship Series. Perhaps you were not crying, but I certainly was because my head was throbbing from a vicious hangover from that Norwegian liqueur I was pounding with your compatriots until two in the morning. I hope I was appropriately dressed at the time as things are still a bit fuzzy on my end from that morning. I do remember stumbling to a hobo encampment when I was trying to purchase a Powerball ticket, which undoubtedly jinxed my chances of winning.

Thank you for sending me that news release concerning MiLB’s new partnership with Marvel Entertainment. My immediate reaction was “Squatch vs The Hulk! Zajac has to make this happen!” I am sure you are already thinking of turning PK Park a giant WWE style event for one magical night this summer, but are concerned that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] will be a grumpy monkey, and say, “You know, I am not really sure we want that.” Believe me, I feel your apprehension. If I had a dollar for every promotion idea of mine that he has shot down, ground would already be broken on the Emeralds’ new stadium.

Squatch kicking The Hulk’s ass on a live stream is just what the Ems need to promote their brand nationally. Every kid in America is going to want a Squatch hat after The Hulk is disposed. You do not even have to worry about the outcome because pro wresting is fixed. Squatch will become so popular that you can put his image on pool toys, and Little Eric from Dothan, Alabama will demand that his mother buy him the Squatch on a Unicom pool inflatable. Eric’s mom might even get a Squatch Tattoo right above her “Rock of Dothan” tattoo.  Grown ass men will want Squatch decals for their golf carts.

I am sure there are some people in your front office that want Sluggo involved in this, and sure why not? You will need to fill the undercard with something. Sluggo versus Captain Underpants will certainly entertain the kids, maybe not as much as exploding dinosaurs, but we cannot always have ice cream for dinner. Yes, I know that Captain Underwear is not in the Marvel Universe (yet), but Sluggo just doesn’t have the cannons to take on an Avenger. Sluggo is going to have to stay in his lane on this one.

I know you are thinking, “But what about Allan? How are I am going to get him to sign off on this thing?” Well, do not mention my name for starters. He seems to think my visons are too bold to be practical. I think he is still bent about my constructive criticism about the lack of freshly squeezed lemonade at PK Park, plus I am a much better golfer than he is, despite his vanity handicap, which is sad because I am not very good at that frustrating endeavor. Just tell him he cannot have Grateful Dead tribute bands play every night, and that he needs to trust you. Tell him you heard the Kings of Leon want to play at the event.

This Marvel partnership is the gift that is going to keep on giving for many years. I look forward to collaborating with you in the future. I would share more today, but I have a flight to Boise to catch because Air Force vs. Boise State, only happens once a year. My presence has been requested at certain pre-game ceremonies and tail gates around town – and the after parties, oh how my liver quakes.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Get on this quick! I heard Spokane want to do Iron Man verses Recycle Man!

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

I apologize for not being in touch for a while. As you have probably heard, I inadvertently became a golf polo designer for select MiLB clubs. It all started with the Inland Empire 66ers when I defeated their general manager in fantasy football in Week Two of the season and earned the spoils of victory and a piece of their general manager’s soul. The polo is so crisp that other organizations have been requesting my services. I even designed one the Spokane Indians as a token of appreciation for your hospitality a few weeks back, which was not easy considering the shade of blue of your team colors. That blue looks great on brick dust, but not so much on the country club scene. With your permission, I will share my design with your graphic guru.

I do have some bitter news to report. I will not be going undefeated in the 66ers fantasy football league after getting crushed in Week Five. Football is pain, Kyle. I might have lost my spleen this weekend. However, there is no looking back only, forward. 

When your organization graciously let the Eugene Emeralds in the outfield bar for Game Three of the High A West Championship Series, you gave our group a mountain of snacks, including what seemed like fourteen cases of Cracker Jack. Allan Benavides [General Manager] commented that whoever makes Cracker Jack these days is shorting their customers with peanuts. We tore open about twenty bags of Cracker Jack, and once again Allan was correct.

You know what is in a package of Cracker Jack though? Memories, which is why people keep buying them even though the caramelized popcorn is a morass of grossness. By time they are done with the package, they realize nostalgia is not what it used to be. The other problem with Cracker Jack is the cheesy, but terribly fun prized have been replaced by QR code stickers for an online game. Once again Corporate America is shitting on our childhood, Kyle.

I am sure your astute baseball mind is sniffing a possible promotion here, but I am two steps ahead because, well, I am just wired that way I suppose. Save Cracker Jack Night is sure to be a rousing success. Here is how it will shake out:

1. Give free Cracker Jack packages to everyone in attendance. A MiLB organization never sells al the Cracker Jack that gets shipped to them over a season anyway. If the TOP BRASS rumbles about “free”, charge fifty cents. Or tell them you will spend more on labor than the price of the Cracker Jack you are giving away.
2. Set up QR Codes all over Avista Stadium of cultural icons and popular fads of the past. Fans can shoot the codes and see Rubik’s Cubes, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Manson, pet rocks, Atari 2400s, Slinkys, conical bras, etc. Maybe put a coonskin cap on Recycle Man and give him a squirrel rifle and let him roam the stands. Stage a panty raid in the press box. 
3. Put the images on your digital scoreboard…. wait, you do not have one of those, despite this being 2021. Do not worry; I can possibly help you rectify that, but that is a topic for a later missive. Worst case scenario is just to build a new stadium with a state of the art scoreboard included. Or we get one that fell off a truck.
4. Create a stellar playlist of songs that evoke nostalgia, like The Scorpions’ “Bad Boys Running Wild, Huey Lewis’s “I Want a New Drug”, Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” and anything Michael Jackson and Madonna.
5. At some point in the game, fans are going to start realizing that the QR Code game is just that a gimmick, just like a Cracker Jack prize. When they grow restless, your minions will start taping QR codes with real prizes with cool prizes around the stadium – flat screen TVs, other assorted electronics, bass boats, ponies, convertible sports cars, whatever is in the budge. TVs are really cheap at Best Buy these days.
6. I am sure we can think of other things, but I am still smarting from my fantasy football losses, so we can kick that can down the road for now. Blowing up Ninja Turtles always entertains the kids though. And dinosaurs. Anything that bring back childhood memories helps make this a successful promotion.

Speaking of dinosaurs, now that I am bringing your organization national recognition, many of my readers want to know just what the hell is up with the ears of your dinosaur mascots, OTTO and Doris. I have deflected these rather angry questions with tales of Ribby the Red Redband Trout’s little move that drives the crowd wild, and how some of your staff have been known to say it has something to do with the fertilization of the eggs during spawning season. An explanation of those dinosaur mascot ears would be helpful because trout spawning videos will only hold people’s attention for so long.

Have to run. Golf polos do not design themselves.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on setting the record for fewest points ever in the history of all fantasy football leagues. If this were golf, I would strongly recommend you sell your clubs and take up tennis. It is not golf though, so you have to keep playing, hoping last week’s disaster was an anomaly. However, you already have two players that underperformed in the Thursday night game, so you might want to think about changing your team name to PARADISE LOST. Excuse me if I sound a little bitter, but you let my division rival, Jimmy’s Stuck, off the hook. Sigh, let’s just look forward, shall we?

I bet Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] was in a much better mood at the office this week since his team finally had a strong winning performance. Maybe it is now a good time to inquire about my authorship of the 66ers’ Twitter page. His good mood might not be lasting much long as this week he plays the probable best team in the league, Mr. Miracle. I am apprehensive that my good fortune will end this week as I play Kevin Shaw’s Merry Band of Convicted Felons.

Hey did your hear that Steve Pelle [Former Assistant Genera Manager; IE 66ers] is now the general manager of the Fayetteville Woodpeckers? The ‘Peckers are the reason the missive writing thing went BIG TIME. I wrote them years ago, imploring them to change their name to the Peckerheads because who wants to support a red-cockaded woodpecker? I became very tight with that organization when I created the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” motto that a local t-shirt shop printed. I tore up that stadium in its inaugural season, bring my Cactus League crew there for a game in a luxury suite. Little Bads was there also, but there were no incidents with security. The night ended with one of my buddies getting attacked by a pack of dogs at the train station.

Steve Pelle [General Manager; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] will be running with some bigs dogs in the Low A East as that is the land of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks], Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], and Allan Lawrence [General Manager; Salem Red Sox]. Steve will be rubbing elbows with some minor league royalty, plus Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] is gainfully employed in that league. I bet he will be impressed when he hears I am in first place in the 66ers fantasy football league. I should write him quickly in case my team starts to slide. As you know, future success in fantasy football can be elusive.

Anywhere there is playoff baseball on all day to day, and beer that needs to be iced. The morning rain set my schedule back a bit. Did you guys perform a tarp pull to remain physically fit and mentally sharp? I might have sprained my arch in my right foot doing a plank today. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds and Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

It seems just like two weeks ago we were playing golf together in one of my most enjoyable rounds of the year. I would like to thank you for the company on that enjoyable day, and inform you that while you might possibly be enjoying some well deserved down time, I have been very busy because the 2022 season really is not that far away. You might have heard that I have started a new endeavor: designing golf polos with MiLB logos, which are sure to be a smashing success in team stores throughout MiLB. Here is the inland Empire 66ers’ polo that has already won the hearts and minds of MiLB front offices and country club pro shops across the land: 

Because I am a giver and grew quite fond of the Emeralds in 2021, I sort of designed one for your organization so Allan does not look like a damn hobo on the links. Can someone take away his puffy sweater vest?

Imagine the Squatch logo on the right sleeve, and a formal Emeralds logo on the left breast. You should get Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer and Game Day Director; Eugene Emeralds] on this right away. I have noticed that since your most recent rebrand, your formal logos appear to be non-existent. 
Look, your organization is poised to be building a new stadium, which means recruiting a season ticket base that has financial capital behind them. I understand that “season ticket holders” is an unpleasant phrase in the Emerald Valley, but a new stadium offers new opportunity to recruit wealth to your stadium. Wealth enjoys flexing its status, and season tickets at a brand new stadium is a way to do that. You have a five year honeymoon period once the stadium is complete, but the time to start recruiting the country club crowd is now, and a sharp polo is a good first step. A good follow up step is to promise them first dibs on seats at the new stadium.

You should probably bring in a season ticket director from out of state to bring a sense of credibility and mystique — a guy who is at ease taking season ticket packages with semi-strangers in just a towel in posh locker rooms, but can also howl back at the night in the common voice when required. Most importantly, a man who has the tools and skillset to work remotely while wooing the Emerald Valley. What do you really have to lose?

I know you are thinking, “Bads85, we concentrate on group sales. Picnics, church groups, corporate parties, whoever will buy tickets in blocks of fifty or more on a Wednesday night. Season ticket holders are an inflexible pain in the ass, especially the old crabby ones.” Sure, you have a valid point, but how did group sales work out for you in the COVID era? While we can hope for a return to normalcy in MuLB next season, the world has changed. People are no longer content to go to a group event with Creepy Bob in accounting, or Tipsy Susie who cannot handle her booze, but tries to drink like a sailor and seduce the handsome, young intern. A strong, wealthy season ticket base offers financial security. Picnic people desire chicken; the country club crowd demands filet mignon, and do not blink an eye at the price, except for Cheap Charlie who inherited his membership.

Anyway, I need to soak my bones in the hot tub. I started trying to get back in shape for the Cactus League next spring, and my body is rebelling.

Your friend in baseball,Bads85

PS: Green beer for Thirsty Thursdays in April!

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hello Commish! It was good to see you at the Inland Empire 66ers’ Season Ticket Holder Barbecue this week. Since you were busy providing excellent service to ardent fan base who has not seen their team in the playoffs since 2014, I did not have a chance to ask you a pressing question: What is the bet payout schedule in this fantasy football league of yours? As the minor league baseball world knows, I soundly defeated Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] in Week 2 of the season. I do believe my winnings are:

1.     The go ahead to design a 66ers’ golf polo that people alive in this century will flock to buy.

2.     The go ahead to design new 66ers’ shot glasses, even though the old ones are fantastic because variety is the spice of life.

3.     I get to run the 66ers’ Twitter account, which is what MiLB front offices across the nation have been excited about since the bet was announced.

I was not around last week to collect my bet because I was riding with the wolf pack of the Eugene Emeralds in Spokane, Washington — literally. We riding electric scooters throughout town, pursuing drinking establishment that stayed open past midnight. All I could think about was head trauma if I wiped out, but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] led us safely through the nights. I finished the MiLB season in Las Vegas, where Little Bads once again had issues for security, but we will save that story for another time.

Hey, did you know that the Spokane Indians have a disco light in their front office? I promised I would not share any trade secrets, but they turn it on when someone completes a sale. Something like that would do wonders to improve morale in your office space. The Indians averaged about 5,200 a game in 2019, so they know a few things about selling tickets. They do not have any full-service bars in their stadium though, which in the year 2021, is very primitive. They also do not have an acceptable scoreboard. Yes, the rumor is true that I sorted trash in their compost corner. I will have you know I was compensated with copious amounts of draft beer.

But I digress. How is GM Joe doing these days? He still seemed a bit shaken from his bitter defeat to me. It had to be tough knowing that the eyes of front offices around the land were eagerly following the outcome, and I know of a few upper management types in the Pacific Northwest that were actively rooting for me, which had to sting a bit also. Fortunately for him he bounced back in Week 3 – oh wait, he did not, but at least he scored over 100 points. He keeps saying he will see me in the playoffs, but we play each other again the regular season the weekend of December 6^th, which concludes on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, which may or may not be symbolic by then. Joe’s team might already be a sunken battleship by then – mine too for that matter. The goddess of Fantasy Football is a fickle mistress.

I play the formidable Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales] this week. I am very nervous about this match up because despite my team being the only undefeated team in our league, it has been greatly underperforming. I might have to make some trades to bolster my roster. I see you have only three running backs on your roster, which is rather thin. You might want to make me an offer. I think the most important thing about this Sunday is that my bar will be open for any league owners and family who want to stop by.

My social calendar for October is pretty full, so this is one of the few weekends this month it will be open. Next week I will be venturing to SoFi Stadium to see my beloved Browns. Hopefully, I will not be overserved like another league owner who shall remain unnamed earlier this season. The following weekend I will be traveling to Boise to watch football and blue turf, and Halloween weekend, I will be at the Arizona Fall League. You should see if Joe Hudson wants to do a group building activity at the Arizona Fall League that weekend. If not, all league owners are welcome to join my rather savage crew for some fall baseball. We are planning to see four games in three days.

Anyway, it is chow time, and fat people like me need to eat. I am having a salad because I am pretending to be conscious about my weight. Yum Yum. Pass the ranch dressing.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: What is Sean willing to bet?

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Truth be told, the final game of the last road trip of the 2021 season was a bit anti-climatic. Sure Las Vegas Stadium might be the most aesthetically pleasing park in the minor leagues, but it is still part of the Taxi Squad League, and Triple A Baseball just ain’t got no soul. Yes, nothing could really compare to the three wondrous nights in Spokane at Avista Stadium with your incredible staff, but let’s just say the intensity at the Vegas ballpark was a bit lacking. In fact, the most excitement happened the next day when I went back to the stadium to take some pictures since my phone died the night before. 

When my son and I arrived at the ballpark at two in the afternoon, we immediately noticed an open gate, so we approached thinking we could get to the concourse to get some pictures, but the three teenaged security guards assigned to the gate five hours before game adamantly refused to let us in. When I turned on my diplomacy skills that have enabled me to be one of MiLB’s greatest ambassadors, they became outright hostile.

I was not about to be denied, so we searched for other open gates. We found two other open gates, and five other security guards, which made me think the Las Vegas Aviators must be doing very well this season if they can afford to pay seven security guards to man the gates five hours before game time when they could have just locked the gate. At the back of the stadium, we found another open gate, and this one had no security blocking the way, so in we went.

At this point, I need to preface that my son, Little Bads, was first chased by stadium at the tender age of two at San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers.. It was a late season Saturday night game, and we were sitting a couple of rows behind the 66er’s bullpen. We didn’t have season tickets yet; that would come a few years later. The weather was wild that night; monsoon season was upon The Dino. The wind was howling, and the Devil was in the air as storm clouds blanketed the mountains on the horizon. Like many Saturday nights at San Manuel Stadium, the stands were filled with a drinking crowd.

Throughout the game, Little Bads and his older sister pleaded for the 66ers’ pitchers to toss them a ball. The pitchers did not oblige because California League rules explicitly prohibited that. Because my kids were so damn cute and charismatic, complete strangers in our section we getting in on the act. By time the game was drawing to a close, much of the stadium was paying more attention to what was going on by the bullpen rather than the game.

The game eventually ended with a 66ers’ win and no ball being handed out, but the most of the crowd stuck around because there was a promotion in which a diamond rind had been buried in the infield, and 3000+ women had been handed little shovels to dig up the infield to find the ring. The women we lined up on the left field concourse behind us, Mrs. Bads and I were packing up the kids stuff (well, I was finishing my beer) when we heard an enormous cheer.

We looked up, and Little Bads had snuck into the bullpen, and had taken a ball out of the bullpen bag. When my son heard the roar of the crowd, his expression was priceless. He knew he was busted, and THE MAN would be coming for him shortly. He chose flight, and darted towards second base. By this time my wife and I were both alarmed and embarrassed as security made his way towards him. As the circle tightened, Little Bads tucked a shoulder and tried to run through an enormous security guard. After the collision, the security guard scooped him up, and brought him to us.

After some chagrined apologies and thank yous, we left the stadium. The ball was nowhere to be seen, and we figured security had just confiscated it. When we arrived at the the car, Little Bads, who wasn’t really talking yet, reached into his pants, pulled out an official California League baseball, and shouted triumphantly, “Ball, Daddy, Ball!” I knew then I was raising an outlaw.

Well, that outlaw was by my side when we entered Las Vegas Stadium without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. We were almost immediately noticed, but we were in, and no one seemed to have stun guns, so we moved forward. When we were finally apprehended, I told them my name was Chris Duff, and I was the president to the Spokane Indians and would appreciate some professional courtesy. 

I did not really say that because I was incapable of thinking that fast on my feet after three days of hard drinking with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]’s band of merry men (except for that one loud guy). My son offered some kind of weak story about needing some pictures for an economics project, and security relaxed.

Like I said, things in Vegas just did not live up to Spokane. I hear there are pictures circulating of me working in your compost corner, with double gloves and all. If you run across them, I would appreciate if you could send them my wife because my wife really does not believe I worked the line with the Spokane Indians.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85