Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:
Hello Commish! It was good to see you at the Inland Empire 66ers’ Season Ticket Holder Barbecue this week. Since you were busy providing excellent service to ardent fan base who has not seen their team in the playoffs since 2014, I did not have a chance to ask you a pressing question: What is the bet payout schedule in this fantasy football league of yours? As the minor league baseball world knows, I soundly defeated Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] in Week 2 of the season. I do believe my winnings are:
1. The go ahead to design a 66ers’ golf polo that people alive in this century will flock to buy.
2. The go ahead to design new 66ers’ shot glasses, even though the old ones are fantastic because variety is the spice of life.
3. I get to run the 66ers’ Twitter account, which is what MiLB front offices across the nation have been excited about since the bet was announced.
I was not around last week to collect my bet because I was riding with the wolf pack of the Eugene Emeralds in Spokane, Washington — literally. We riding electric scooters throughout town, pursuing drinking establishment that stayed open past midnight. All I could think about was head trauma if I wiped out, but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] led us safely through the nights. I finished the MiLB season in Las Vegas, where Little Bads once again had issues for security, but we will save that story for another time.
Hey, did you know that the Spokane Indians have a disco light in their front office? I promised I would not share any trade secrets, but they turn it on when someone completes a sale. Something like that would do wonders to improve morale in your office space. The Indians averaged about 5,200 a game in 2019, so they know a few things about selling tickets. They do not have any full-service bars in their stadium though, which in the year 2021, is very primitive. They also do not have an acceptable scoreboard. Yes, the rumor is true that I sorted trash in their compost corner. I will have you know I was compensated with copious amounts of draft beer.
But I digress. How is GM Joe doing these days? He still seemed a bit shaken from his bitter defeat to me. It had to be tough knowing that the eyes of front offices around the land were eagerly following the outcome, and I know of a few upper management types in the Pacific Northwest that were actively rooting for me, which had to sting a bit also. Fortunately for him he bounced back in Week 3 – oh wait, he did not, but at least he scored over 100 points. He keeps saying he will see me in the playoffs, but we play each other again the regular season the weekend of December 6th, which concludes on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, which may or may not be symbolic by then. Joe’s team might already be a sunken battleship by then – mine too for that matter. The goddess of Fantasy Football is a fickle mistress.
I play the formidable Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales] this week. I am very nervous about this match up because despite my team being the only undefeated team in our league, it has been greatly underperforming. I might have to make some trades to bolster my roster. I see you have only three running backs on your roster, which is rather thin. You might want to make me an offer. I think the most important thing about this Sunday is that my bar will be open for any league owners and family who want to stop by.
My social calendar for October is pretty full, so this is one of the few weekends this month it will be open. Next week I will be venturing to SoFi Stadium to see my beloved Browns. Hopefully, I will not be overserved like another league owner who shall remain unnamed earlier this season. The following weekend I will be traveling to Boise to watch football and blue turf, and Halloween weekend, I will be at the Arizona Fall League. You should see if Joe Hudson wants to do a group building activity at the Arizona Fall League that weekend. If not, all league owners are welcome to join my rather savage crew for some fall baseball. We are planning to see four games in three days.
Anyway, it is chow time, and fat people like me need to eat. I am having a salad because I am pretending to be conscious about my weight. Yum Yum. Pass the ranch dressing.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: What is Sean willing to bet?