Dead Religions

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good man. Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] had a big announcement yesterday at the Lane County Commissioners’ Big Brunch Party. He announced that the Emeralds would be retiring Mike Schmidt’s jersey next season since 2022 will be the 50th anniversary of when Schmidt played in Eugene. This is the type of promotion that will make Eugene a MiLB travel Mecca. My baseball writing friends are already imploring me to plan a trip that will bring many of us together from all around North America to the Eugene/Springfield area for this gala. You are probably too young to remember Mike Schmidt in his prime, but he was a deity to children of the 1970’s, just like Farrah Fawcett. 

As you well know, I am a meticulous planner, and an event this special requires more than just hopping in the car to make a mad dash up I-5 to Eugene. I understand that the Ems’ promotion schedule is not finalized, but do you have a date for the Schmidt jersey retirement? My wife expects me to traipse all over Europe next summer to places like Madrid, Rome, Paris, London, etc. I told her all I want to do is go to Wichita to see the Wind Surge’s new stadium, and then she gave me her look, so I told her we can go to Wichita when we return. I do not want to be in some godforsaken place like the Netherlands when the Mike Schmidt thingy is happening, so I would greatly appreciate it you could get me a tentative date.

Hey, I have been thinking about possible Marvel Entertainment promotions, and I am firmly convinced that someone from your organization needs to steal the Spokane Indians’ Recycle Man costume. Send your new road announcer up there to take it in the dark of the night. While he is up there, maybe you can have him drop by the pro shop at the Creek at Qualchan to see if my lost range finder has shown up. Yes, I know, I lost it at the Arizona National Golf Club, but sometimes those things migrate.

But I digress. Once the Ems have the Recycle Man costume, you guys can have your own Save the Planet Night where Recycle Man gets tossed by Squatch into a trash compactor. Have a Wall-E Night and preach about sorting trash, then have Luke Skywalketr and Han Solo show with blasters blazing, and watch the crowd go wild. Create some plot line where Recycle Man is a just a grifter in cahoots with China — okay, maybe this one is over the top. Still send your new guy to Spokane to check on my range finder — that is kind of important.

Does Allan have any plans to take the front office to the Cactus League this year? My normal crew will be there, even if MLB is still locked out. The Rite of Spring Training will not be halted by billionaires squabbling with millionaires, at least for our group anyway. We can always find a t-ball field to heckle (the parents, not the players). In fact, we could use a man with your heckling talents. You essentially shut down an entire fan base by yourself during the High A West Championships (I would have had your back had that old man tried to physically assault you). You can ride with us anytime – Allan to as long as he isn’t Grumpy Allan.

Gotta run – much planning ahead. I cannot wait to travel to the Emerald Valley to use the Eugene Loo over the Mike Schmidt Extravaganza Weekend.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Kyle Day [General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Congratulations for your Spokane Indians being named Minor League Baseball’s Organization of the Year last week at the Winter Meetings. I apologize for not sending you a missive last week, but I was busy chasing glory myself, beating Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] by 83.7 points in our fantasy football matchup, effectively knocking him out of any playoff contention. It was quite the heady win that set the Low A West on fire for a brief time — until I lost this week to the commissioner, raising questions of collusion, as I had already locked up a playoff berth.

I recently came across a quote attributed to you on the internet, something about it might be someone’s first game at the baseball stadium, so it is important for the working staff to make the event special. While this is certainly true, it could also be someone’s last game. Some guy could go to a game and be angry at the wait in a concession line, and then be t-boned by a city bus the next day, and his last memory of MiLB will be one of anger and disappointment over a half cooked hot dog on a soggy bun for which he had to wait an inning.

A front office does not want to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths that follows them to the grave. Is increasing the price of a beer by a $1.50 really worth the risk of some old timer never returning to a game as he curses the industry in his last days? Of course not. Realistic thoughts like this are what has led to me being twice expelled from the Optimist Club, but sometimes you just have to keep it real with your staff. Most of the time, you have to be the warm, nurturing father type, but sometimes you have to implore that LIVES ARE IN THE BALANCE.

I just purchased some Spokane Indians’ gear — a jersey, a hat, and a t-shirt as part of a retail experiment. I have a feeling that gear will arrive before the Eugene Emeralds’ gear I ordered in October that still has not appeared. You see, now that I run the 66ers’ Twitter account, I am all about expediting shipping as I promote online shopping at their team store. Sure, promotions are still my first love, bit as you well know, one must versatile in this industry. 

Speaking of promotions, I am sure your elite staff has been busy planning for the Marvel Entertainment spectacles that will certainly grace Avista Stadium in 2022. Have you thought about having a Recycle Man versus Iron Man cage match? I know you might be thinking, “Bads85, who the hell am I going to get to play Iron Man?” Otto Klein [Senior Vice President; Spokane Indians], that is who. Duh.

Does your staff ever make it to the Spring Training? Your affiliation plays at the Jewell of the Cactus League, Salt River Fields at Talking Stick. My crew usually attends two games there a year, not that slipshod crew from Eugene I traveled to Spokane with last fall, but real veterans of the road who fully understand the spiritual rebirth offered by meaningless exhibition games mixed with sunshine and copious amounts of booze. I have a suspicion that your staff really enjoys booze.

Anyway, I need to run. Those zany Emeralds won a victory in their stadium pursuit and will probably be drunk texting me very shortly.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Diana Jones [Program Supervisor; Board of Lane County Commissioners]:
I received a missive that you were out of the office last Friday, and I was like “You go, Girl! Get that Weekend Freak on! The Eugene Emeralds Stadium issues can wait until Monday. The vote isn’t until Tuesday anyway.”

Hey, would it not be funny is some random guy like me won the Powerball thingy tonight, and bought the Emeralds and decided that my money would be better spent on a potential stadium property not related to the Fairgrounds (after I lightly admonished Allan Bernavides [General Manager; Eugene 66ers] for never returning my texts or missives). Yeah, well some lucky benefactor winning the lottery and financing the Ems’ Stadium is just a pie in the sky dream. It is not happening, which is why it is imperative that the Lane County Supervisors make sure the Fairground partnership with the Ems’ happens.

The clock is running out, Diana. Yes, baseball is not supposed to have a clock, but stadium financing and land partnerships do. Lane County needs the Emeralds because professional baseball instills self-esteem in a community. Salem, Oregon is still reeling from losing their team, and the state capital has to live with an independent team called the Pickles. Sure, the Pickles are a fine organization that promotes themselves in a very entertaining manner, but they are the Pickles.

Can you imagine a Emerald Valley without Sluggo, the beloved mascot of the Emeralds? Without your support, Sluggo is going to get mothballed and thrown into a dark closet on the Island of Misfit Toys. Do you know how many elementary school reading programs will sputter without Sluggo? Without Sluggo, the Emeralds Valley could transform into the Illiteracy Valley. We all know the road to meth addiction is paved with the souls of those who cannot read. I do not think the Lane County Commissioner want to be responsible for that.

Anyway, I trust you will listen to the masses and ensure the partnership will happen. Lunch time is approaching, and this belly is not going to feed itself.

Your friend in baseball,Bads85

Dear Diana Jones [Program Supervisor; Board of Lane County Commissioners]:

I wrote you yesterday concerning the Eugene Emeralds and the fairgrounds project. Upon further reflection, I realized my missive probably created some unanswered questions. Please allow me some time from your busy day to elaborate. For starters, yes, I am as gorgeous in real life as I sound in my letters. Once we get past that, well, we can tackle the substantial issues concerning the possible partnership of the beloved Ems and whatever the hell we are calling the Lane County Fairgrounds these days.

Let’s start with what happens if the Ems do not get a new stadium soon. They will probably be purchased by the sports conglomerate Endeavor for pennies on the dollar, and moved to a region that will support the construction of a new minor league baseball stadium. Since there are only six teams in the High A West, this could put the entire league and professional baseball in the Pacific Northwest in jeopardy. A failure on Lane County’s part to secure a new stadium will also negatively affect Hillsboro. Major League Baseball could pull up stakes in this region and relocate the six High A West franchises elsewhere where spring weather and long travel would not be problematic.

Just what type of hellscape would Eugene be without professional baseball? Did you ever see John Carpenter’s Escape From New York? Allan Benavides; [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is many things, but he is not Snake Plissken, even if he does like to sometimes wear a patch over his eye to pretend he is a pirate. We are not talking about tent communities of hobos sprouting up by freeway overpasses. We are talking about an invasion of hardcore felons and reprobates who have no intention of ever returning those overdue library books. White collar crime will certainly spike also as emboldened accounts realize they can steal more with a briefcase than a gun.

Do you know who wants to live in that type of environment, Diana? Californians. If the Ems leave town, you can count on convoys disgruntled Californians moving to Oregon for cheap gas prices, greatly exacerbating the housing shortage, which brings us back to an expanding hobo population. Soon, Eugene will look like Gresham – Gresham with tanks rolling through the street as the National Guard will have to be permanently activated to maintain order.

Hopefully, you know see the importance of this partnership. It is more than soft serve ice cream in a baseball helmet on a Saturday night. It is more than your child spilling mustard on her shorts and not caring because you are at a baseball game. It is more than the smell of brick dust; the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the catcalls directed to the umpires, and the mascot dancing on the dugout. It is about maintain a quality of life that we have come to expect in Eugene.

I do not know about you, but I am feeling kind of hungry. I am thinking about burritos.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Diana Jones [Program Supervisor; Board of Lane County Commissioners]:

I am sure you will be receiving numerous missives from Eugene Emeralds’ fans in the next four days, imploring you to embrace public-private partnership with the Ems and the Lane county Fairgrounds. You should listen to the content of these letters (and ignore any glaring grammatical errors, especially those of subject/verb agreement variety) because quite simply, it is the correct thing to do. Minor league baseball has been a consistent, integral part of the Eugene community since 1950. Without a new stadium, that disappears, probably forever.

I know you are a dedicated, honorable servant of the State with a busy agenda, so I will not take up your day with history or civics lessons. Plus, this is crunch time in the fantasy football season, and you probably have to get your playoff roster in order. I am even in the same boat, even though I just defeated the General Manager of the Inland Empire 66ers last week by 83.7 points. I am sure an accomplished fantasy owner like yourself understands how fleeting success can be in a season.

Diana (if that is your real name), please do what you can to ensure MiLB has a permanent home in Eugene by approving this partnership. Maybe you could suggest to the Emeralds that the new stadium includes a freshly squeezed lemonade stand because lemonade from a box is an affront to everything that is decent in this world. Some of those itty bitty marshmallows would be great in the hot chocolate also.

Thank you for your time. I would chat more, but I have to see some people about hats.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

How is your boss holding up? You know, the two-time California League Executive of the Year who lost to my team in fantasy football last week by 83.70 points. Do you think he will play in this league next year? Will he even still be your boss? If I ever lost like that, I would enlist in the Merchant Marines and drop out of certain social circles for a while, maybe forever. I hope for your front office’s sake he attended the MiLB winter Meetings in Orlando and paid no attention to football this past weekend.

But we do not need to belabor Mr. Hudson’s loss. Instead, let’s talk about your upcoming matchup this week against… (checks notes) me! Somehow you have clawed yourself back into playoff contention while I clinched a playoff berth last week. You need to beat me to keep your meager playoff hopes alive. The matchup really means nothing to me other than pride, but since I am a narcissist, I plan on doing whatever ever it takes to ensure fantasy football makes a grown man like yourself suffer this weekend. It is really nothing personal. My son think that last statement was a bit over the top, but he is young and naive. One day he will truly experience the pain that is fantasy football.

Word on the mean streets of The Dino is that the 66ers are going to sell Beer Bats this year. I would suggest season ticket holders receive one dollar refills on Thirsty Thursday. Remember my good friend, fan appreciation leads to fan retention. Plus, the 66ers will probably need to entice fans to come to return to San Manuel Stadium this year because there are only so many entertainment dollars to go around in the INFLATION ERA. 

Hey, it looks like a tarp pull type of day! Will the crew at San Manuel Stadium be rolling the tarp? Perhaps I can stop by for pictures to post on Twitter. We can always re-create the tarp pull so I can get some great angles of the expression of exertion on the faces of the 66ers’ staff. As you well know, tarp pulls are wonderful for staff bonding. In fact, a tarp pull just might brighten your boss’s day, and help him forget his fantasy football team will not be in the playoffs.

Hey, does anyone in the front office even read the 66ers’ Twitter? I am sort of developing a cult like following, although my daughters say some of the memes I employ are Dad memes. I do not even know what that means, but their tone is disapproving. I have to remind them who pays for their car insurance and how to properly offer constructive criticism to adults, lest their tuition checks bounce. I do think we need some video of dancing El Cucuy to freshen things up a bit. I bet the “G” Street hobos would be willing to wear a costume and dance a bit to get out of the rain.

This foul weather is making me desire a burrito or three. Before I set out to satisfy that craving, should we have a wager for our matchup? Maybe the loser has to suit up in the Slick costume and sing the victor’s praises?

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans]:

Congratulations! The Myrtle Beach Pelicans have finally been awarded a Golden Bobblehead for your wonderful Beer Bat promotion that set Minor League Baseball afire last May. The fact that Pelicans won their first Golden Bobblehead on the year I attended a game at  TicketReturn.com Field is one of those ironic coincidences that the baseball gods throw our way. I do apologize for not being in contact much since last spring, but as you probably have heard, I have been rather busy. It has been quite the ride since we stumbled over each other on the internet in 2019.

I rode with the Eugene Emeralds for the summer, even being Allan Benavides’ [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] roommate during the Ems’ championship push in Spokane Washington, plus I am now running the Inland Empire 66ers’ twitter account these days. It is a rather wonderful story of how that came to be, including myself destroying Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] in two fantasy football matchups, but this missive is not about me, it is about the Myrtle Beach Pelicans.

Did you know I purchased my first Beer Bat in Fresno at the beautiful Chukchansi Park in 2019?  I did not really think Beer Bats would take flight (see what I did there? Beers are often served in flights), but my buddy Peacock sure did. Peacock often has great moment prescience; other times he putts naked on practice greens after two many tequila shots. He fits well in Section 102 at San Manuel Stadium. After all, it takes all sorts to TOUCH THE NIGHT. I think we gave our Fresno Beer Bats to some hobos though.

Your crack marketing team coupled with some serendipitous events made Beer Bats one of the largest fads since the Pet Rock. Perhaps you should have a Pet Rock Night and see if you can catch lightning in a bottle twice. Be sure you do not pass out the rocks until after the game though. Rocks in the wrong hands can quickly transform into weapons, and weapons often lead to biker gangs circling the ballpark. I read somewhere that your organization sold almost 900 Beer Bats, despite supply chain issues. We call that number a good start to April at San Manuel Stadium.

Hey, did you guys happen to find a Scotty Cameron putter cover in the suite my group was in last June? Somebody in the group lost one along the way, and one never knows where those things just might turn up. We also lost some monkey wrenches, zip ties, blindfolds, shovels, and garbage bags. Hopefully you disposed of those before local law enforcement officials appeared to ask awkward questions. 

I bet you are wondering when Bads85 is coming back to Myrtle Beach. The answer might be sooner than you think. A North Carolina baseball trip is in the works, and if the Schedule Gods are kind, Myrtle Beach is not that far from Fayetteville. I do believe that I am still entitled to throw out a first pitch at your fine stadium, unless that expired. Hopefully my brick will endure. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I bet you do not want to talk fantasy football this week after your team once again failed to score ninety points, and as a result was soundly trounced by your boss, Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]. I understand your pain. Well, I really do not because while I have had some bad teams in certain leagues before, I have never had any roster resembling yours, but we will not talk about that any more… until next week.

Hey, if you ever hear Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] walking around the office saying, “When will Bads85 retire so he can come be our Director of Promotions?”, tell him the answer is sooner than later. In fact, everything is negotiable. I am sure we could reach an agreement that would allow me to assume the position as early as next week.  I am pretty sure Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] says something similar, but he doesn’t even have a stadium to offer me a permanent office, nor does he let me run his organization’s Twitter account.

One of my first responsibilities Director of Promotions would be to restore Thirsty Thursday to its former splendor. Let’s have a REAL TALK right now. The special connection between the fans and Thirsty Thursday has been lost for a myriad of reasons, and this can be seen with the three-year attendance trend on Thursdays. We do not have time to point fingers of blame, but only move forward.

We must re-establish the emotional connection between the fans and this special day, and since upper management will probably frown upon slashing beer prices, we need to flood our social media platforms of pictures of 66ers’ fans having a wonderful time on Thursdays at San Manuel Stadium. We probably should avoid using our season ticket holders because almost all of them besides myself are not very photogenic because of their genetics.

Breaking news – the Hillsboro Hops just informed me that Thirsty Thursdays are even necessary. What does that even mean? I didn’t wake up thinking that I would enter in a Twitter war over Thirsty Thursday with the Hillsboro Hops, but here we are on the precipice, as I contemplate sending them a clown shoes image. I mean, just get the bulldozers and wrecking balls in motion and knock Tonka Truck Field into Washington state. Better yet, we should just nuke it from orbit because the lifeforms around the place must be warped beyond saving.

But enough talk about the numbnuts of the north. We have Thirsty Thursday to reinvigorate, and we must attract THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE to do that. As you must certainly know, the 66ers only have one Thirsty Thursday in April — the 21st. Sure we could curse the schedule makers for this bitter fate, but that is counter productive. We need to make this a social even that people will talk through May. We need to couple this Thirsty Thursday with another promotion — maybe a Thirsty Thursday hat giveaway. Maybe something that involves fire or loud bangs. Not too good though, or will will attract the Nitro circus zombie crowd.

Anyway, I have to go work out because the Director of Promotions has to be in better shape than my pathetic body right now. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello GOOD FRIEND! Sorry I have not been in contact over the last couple of weeks, but I have been quite busy jaunting off to the Arizona Fall League and running the Inland Empire 66ers’ Twitter account. I have been so preoccupied that my golf game has suffered to the point in which I can feel how the game must feel for you. You are stronger than I imagined, carrying that pain around the links.

I see you have hired a replacement for Alex Stimsom [Former Whatever He Was; Eugene Emeralds] — literally a NEW ALEX. Can I have this Alex Naveja’s official Emeralds’ email address? I think I should reach out and welcome him to Minor League baseball. Does he have all of the old Alex’s job responsibilities? I could give him a few tips on how to run the Ems’ Twitter account now that I am a grizzled veteran in MiLB social media platforms. It is quite the story really. Who knew that that skinny kid from Cleveland, Ohio would grow up to win control of a minor league baseball team’s Twitter account through a fantasy football bet?

The only downside so far has been listening to other clubs whine and moan about the baseball season being so far away. I want say, “Shut and and plan those promotions! Group sales might be slow coming back in 2021, so you are going to have to embrace the old fashioned way of getting asses in the seats. I know they did not teach your that in your sports management classes, but your brand ain’t shit unless you have people coming through those gates. Give the people what they want: a chance to TOUCH THE NIGHT.” I don’t say anything though; I just quietly plan THE REVOLUTION with independent teams.

I must admit I was a little hurt that you did not consult me about who would be Stimson’s replacement, but then I realized you were probably shielding me from the pain of his departure. Yes, a clean break is the best avenue, which is why you should update your front office staff page and get his name and smiling face off there. He is not coming back through those doors at PK Park anytime soon — as an Ems’ employee anyway. Did he have to sign a non-disclosure clause when he left?

Hey, did you see the Hillsboro Hops admitted they do not like the Beer Batter on Twitter? How are those clowns even still in the league? I have it it on very good authority that certain Low A West executives were upset enough to drive to Tonka Truck Field to torch the place (figuratively speaking of course since arson is one of those things that is frowned upon in this society), but then they were informed that Hillsboro is even further than my mad dash last summer, so we all went out for tacos — well, most of us. We didn’t tell that one guy because he always brings up that time he had backstage passes to a Nelson concert.

Are you coming to Southern California for the holidays? Perhaps you can bring my 2021 Eugene Emeralds Championship gear with you sine the postman hates your office (you know who does not hate your office — the donut delivery guy). We can get together and throw back some shots of Jim Beam like wizened minor league executives do when they have not seen each other in a while. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

It is Mister Miracle’s World, and we are just living in it – well, at least in fantasy football. For all I know, he might live in a cardboard box behind the scrapyard. He is killing the league and crushed me this week because Joe Burrow played like an anemic infant in the Battle of Ohio this weekend. Hey, I have a pointer for you though. Cut your team and pick up random guys on the waiver wire without even looking to see who they are. Maybe then you could break 100 points a week. You might win this week while scoring less than ninety points, but you are playing a guy whose starting defense has a bye, which actually hurt you because his other defense had negative points. I really should not talk because my team is floundering, and Jimmy’s Stuck has passed me for the division lead

But enough talk about fantasy football. What is the word on the street about the Inland Empire 66ers’ revamped Twitter feed? Hs there been a sudden spike in merchandise sales? I think we have over a hundred new followers since that new guy took over posting duties. Some new friends have been made in the independent leagues, but the affiliated teams’ reaction have been a bit tepid, probably because they still resent us for being beautiful. Of course, most teams really are not cranking out quality content on Twitter during November because Christmas decorations are on everyone’s mind.

It looks like our old friend, Steve Pelle [General Manager; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] has some sort of light show gala extravaganza for charity going down at Segra Stadium soon. Local businesses can sponsor Christmas trees in a tree decorating contest to raise money for charities. It is too bad that the local environment around San Manuel Stadium will not allow the 66ers to do that, but let’s face it, the “G” Street hobos are not exactly merry gentlemen. Maybe we could have a tree decorating contest on Joe Hudson’s front lawn as he lives in a safe, high foot traffic area, and we all know Joe is filled with the holiday spirit. I would volunteer my lawn, but I have close to forty inflatables, including a new Millennium Falcon that should nicely complement my R2-D2 with Santa hat in a X-Wing. I would ask Pelle more details about his event, but his team website is not listing his email address yet. If you know it, I would appreciate it if you could send it my way so I could surprise Steve and the ‘Peckers with some holiday cheer.

I have been working with certain other teams on developing mascot holiday inflatables, and I have noticed that certain artistic representations of our Bernie make him appear soft. Bernie is an outlaw, not a plush toy. I think we should rectify this immediately with a slight makeover over the offseason. I mean we will not touch the costume because that costs big money, but we can make Bernie’s image a bit edgier to reflect his true spirit of the old soul mascot who has been around the block more than a few times. Maybe get him a fedora or a Viking helmet. I still think the “Mom” tattoo would work, but obviously upper management still disagrees.

Hey, did you know the Hillsboro Hops do not like the Beer Batter? I mean, what the hell is wrong with them? I wonder if they kick little bunnies also. Or put ketchup on vanilla ice cream. Or make their parents pay for dinner at the Golden Corral.  Not liking the Beer Batter is some real comic book villain stuff, like when the Joker gave that poisoned cotton candy to those Cub Scouts. I wonder what other skeletons are buried underneath their poorly maintained artificial turf field.

Anyway, I am taking trade offers in all my fantasy leagues because my teams are sputtering – not as bad as yours that has been dead in the water for weeks now, but still underperforming.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85