I Invite The Pickles to Allan’s Home

Dear Ross Campbell [General Manager; Portland Pickles]:

Congratulations on a successful 2022 marketing campaign that pumped phallic promotions to new high-water marks. I do know a little bit about this as I was the creator of the Fayetteville Woodpecker’s highly successful Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker! hard sell that inspired the South to rise again. I also was in charge of the Inland Empire 66ers Twitter account when your mascot Dillon T. Pickle’s thumb went viral and responded with “You must be happy to see us.” My takeover of that account was a result of winning a fantasy football wager with Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and lasted seventh months until I was removed for telling the Fresno Grizzlies that the only thing in which they were league leaders was stadium debt. I did not get the memo that California League trash talking on Twitter was scripted.

I am sure you are not resting on your laurels of the 2022 season, but I cannot help notice the Pickles’ Twitter account has not been very active lately. I have a suggestion to rectify that: Take Dillon to the Northeast League Championship next week on September 12th in Eugene as the Emeralds take on the Vancouver Canadians. Bring the entire front office as my guests. You see, I am kind of a big deal in Eugene. It is a rather long story of how that came to be, but Mayor Lucy Vinis is reported to have a secret crush on me while Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is very open about his platonic love for me. We go way back. He once almost drove my golf cart over a cliff looking for his errant drive. 

But this is not about me; it is about keeping Dillion relevant as we enter autumn. Your Twitter gurus can really get the giggle sticks throbbing if Dillion is running throughout PK Park with Sluggo the Green Bear. Plus, I will allow Dillon a photo opportunity with myself, which will prove to the baseball world that the Portland Pickles truly have arrived. Perhaps you and I can toss back some Slippery Nipples during the game while we laugh at Allan, who will still have to work. After the game, we can take Dillon on a pub crawl, starting at The Cooler, a renown hole in the wallr where all minor league road warriors cleanse the trail dust from their palettes. I could teach Dillion to drink though his eyeballs so the alcohol hits the optic nerve and goes straight to the brain, skipping the liver. 

I will not be attending the entire Northwest League championship series because the Canadian authorities are still on edge from my baseball road trip through their backasswards county last summer. Also, I need to fly return home for the California League playoffs as my beloved Inland Empire 66ers are returning to the post season for the first time since 2014. You and Dillon are welcome to join that raucous party, but make sure you do not put your mascot costume in the cargo hold of a domestic flight.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself, “Bads85, you are one of the founders of Be Better, the consummate MiLB consulting company. What can you offer my organization?” Since we might be drinking buddies next week on the mean streets of Eugene, I will offer you this free advice: improve the language on your employer bio pages. Those are the bios of primary school teachers, not the outlaws of the college wood bat leagues. Instead of “Ross enjoys working with local companies, and connecting with fans to create a great atmosphere at Pickles & Gherkins games!”, try something like “Ross implores his staff to shred the night, ensuring his sponsors obtain maximum exposure at events that transcend baseball. Ross’s rock hard, take no prisoner approach to marketing provides yadda, yadda, yadda, something about driving nails.”

Your staff might want to hit the weight room also – beefcake is an eternal seller.

I need to run. The post season in affiliated ball creates many demands to fulfill.

Your friend in baseball,


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