I Talk To a Man About Squatch vs. The Hulk

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good man. The last time we saw in each other was that tearful good bye in the hotel in Spokane during the High A West Championship Series. Perhaps you were not crying, but I certainly was because my head was throbbing from a vicious hangover from that Norwegian liqueur I was pounding with your compatriots until two in the morning. I hope I was appropriately dressed at the time as things are still a bit fuzzy on my end from that morning. I do remember stumbling to a hobo encampment when I was trying to purchase a Powerball ticket, which undoubtedly jinxed my chances of winning.

Thank you for sending me that news release concerning MiLB’s new partnership with Marvel Entertainment. My immediate reaction was “Squatch vs The Hulk! Zajac has to make this happen!” I am sure you are already thinking of turning PK Park a giant WWE style event for one magical night this summer, but are concerned that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] will be a grumpy monkey, and say, “You know, I am not really sure we want that.” Believe me, I feel your apprehension. If I had a dollar for every promotion idea of mine that he has shot down, ground would already be broken on the Emeralds’ new stadium.

Squatch kicking The Hulk’s ass on a live stream is just what the Ems need to promote their brand nationally. Every kid in America is going to want a Squatch hat after The Hulk is disposed. You do not even have to worry about the outcome because pro wresting is fixed. Squatch will become so popular that you can put his image on pool toys, and Little Eric from Dothan, Alabama will demand that his mother buy him the Squatch on a Unicom pool inflatable. Eric’s mom might even get a Squatch Tattoo right above her “Rock of Dothan” tattoo.  Grown ass men will want Squatch decals for their golf carts.

I am sure there are some people in your front office that want Sluggo involved in this, and sure why not? You will need to fill the undercard with something. Sluggo versus Captain Underpants will certainly entertain the kids, maybe not as much as exploding dinosaurs, but we cannot always have ice cream for dinner. Yes, I know that Captain Underwear is not in the Marvel Universe (yet), but Sluggo just doesn’t have the cannons to take on an Avenger. Sluggo is going to have to stay in his lane on this one.

I know you are thinking, “But what about Allan? How are I am going to get him to sign off on this thing?” Well, do not mention my name for starters. He seems to think my visons are too bold to be practical. I think he is still bent about my constructive criticism about the lack of freshly squeezed lemonade at PK Park, plus I am a much better golfer than he is, despite his vanity handicap, which is sad because I am not very good at that frustrating endeavor. Just tell him he cannot have Grateful Dead tribute bands play every night, and that he needs to trust you. Tell him you heard the Kings of Leon want to play at the event.

This Marvel partnership is the gift that is going to keep on giving for many years. I look forward to collaborating with you in the future. I would share more today, but I have a flight to Boise to catch because Air Force vs. Boise State, only happens once a year. My presence has been requested at certain pre-game ceremonies and tail gates around town – and the after parties, oh how my liver quakes.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Get on this quick! I heard Spokane want to do Iron Man verses Recycle Man!

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