Dear Ross Campbell [General Manager; Portland Pickles]:
Thank you for almost immediate confirmation to attend the Northwest League Championship in Eugene. You inquired about a plan. Are you familiar with General William Tecumseh Sherman’s march on Atlanta in the Civil War? Something like that — metaphorically speaking of course. Federal officials frown upon igniting real blazes during fire season, and as you have probably heard by now, my face is far too pretty for prison. However, by team we are done, Dillon T. Pickle will rule the streets of Eugene.
I must admit, the planning of what should be an epic event is still in the infancy stage, but now with your confirmation, we can get moving on this pretty quickly. You might be aware that mascot wars are nothing new in the Northwest League Finals. One year, the Emeralds took their giant inflatable of Sluggo to Hillsboro and erected beyond right field of Tonka Truck Stadium, which led to the Hops doing the same, and a tradition was sort of born. However, last year, the Ems did not take their mascot to Spokane for the finals because they had too many sets of golf clubs in Allan Benavides’s [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] truck. I was on that trip, and a photo of us slamming tequila shots made a Christmas card.
But I digress! We need to plan. Here is what I do know for sure. I pretty much have as many tickets as a I want there because the Ems’ love me, plus I am a premium season ticket holder even though I live nine hundred miles away. I have plenty of tickets stashed away for occasions like this. I bought the season ticket package because I grew tired of Allan saying, “Bads85, you live in California. What do you know Emeralds’ season ticket holders?” Quite a bit now, Allan. Quite a bit.
Just tell how many I should expect from your party, and I will take care of the tickets. The more the merrier I say. In fact, invite some of the Voodoo Donut crew (or at least bring some of their delicious donuts). Maybe you can round up a food truck or two. We could make this something very large, creating excellent content for social media. I look forward to your valuable input.
Allan might not believe you are coming until you are actually there. After all these years, he still doubts me. Last year I raised $1,900 in twenty-four hours for his favorite charity, and he really did not think it was happening until I presented him with the check.
I need to run. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] is blowing up my phone, wondering why I will be spending the 66ers first playoff appearance since 2014 with Dillion T. Pickle.
Your friend in baseball,