Dead Religions

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hey, now that you have received possible funding your stadium, does that mean Grumpy Allan is permanently back in the corner, only to be let out when the whale huggers protest the intrusion of the kangaroo rat’s precarious habitat on a flood plain? I hope you are celebrating at the divine Tacovore at 530 Blair Blvd, Eugene, OR 97401. After all, that is place that gave me the inspiration to demand you hire me, and here we are. 

I think we should approach Tacovore’s management about selling pitchers of the world class margaritas at Emeralds’ games this season. Perhaps they can have their own kitchen at the new stadium also. It could be right next to the freshly squeezed lemonade stand that you promised me in 2021. Hell, they can run both stands, and it will rain money.

You know what the very best thing about getting a tourism tax passed to possibly fund a stadium? We do not have to feel guilty about cost overruns because that tax is never going away. We can have every amenity we ever dreamed of at the new place. Of course, being the civic-minded individuals we are, we should look for things that benefit the entire community, but especially the hotel industry since that hotel tax is funding the cranes. For just a few more dollars, our new stadium can have a youth sports complex that can attract travel baseball and softball tournaments and showcases. Eugene: Baseball Mecca. Can you feel it? Do you know how many people would come to Eugene for a 1000 team tournament? Suddenly the Hotel Mafia is one our side instead of bickering with us. Don’t worry, as usual, I have a master plan. Do you know how many margaritas we can sell at youth sporting events?

You know what also promotes tourism? Reality TV shows. People will flock to Eugene and PK Park this year if they once they hear the rumors that a reality TV show is being filmed there this year. The best thing about rumors is they do not have to be founded in fact. Just tell people the reason Bads85 came to town was to produce the reality TV show. Have some interns run around the stadium with game day, and we sell out most of the season. This is weatherproof!

Perhaps my official title should be Bads85 [Tourism Liaison; Eugene Emeralds]. Many people struggle to spell “liaison” though. We probably should go with Tourism Commissioner.  Hey, when is the Ems’ Christmas party this year? My social calendar is going to be filling up quick, and I want to be sure I have that date blocked out. Also, when do I get to meet Mayor Lucy Vinis?

I am going to cut this one short. Not only do I have to write letters to Eugene’s top hospital executives to gauge their interest in season tickets, but I probably should watch some old Night Ranger videos for clues on how to motivate the younger staff members who are now my brothers in arms. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85 [Tourism Commissioner; Eugene Emeralds]

PS: I am thinking Pearl Jam should play the inaugural concert at the new stadium.

Dear Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers], Daniel Vasquez {Assistant General Manager], Hollee Haines [Director of Group Sales], and Jarret Stark [Manager of Season Ticket Sales]:

As you have probably heard, Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] has hired me to fill the [Director of Assholes] for his organization. Or maybe it is [Manager of Media and Public Relations/Minister of Mayhem]. I always get those two confused. Perhaps I should clarify with Allan just exactly what I am doing.

I want to thank you guys for one hell of a run, and assure you it is far from over yet. I will be retaining my season tickets in Section 102, and I expect you guys to continue to treat my mother in law like a queen. I will be back throughout the season because Allan does not know it yet, but my contact contains travel days. I will always be a 66er because tattoos on the soul endure forever.

I do have a couple of requests before I start with the Emeralds October 3rd. Can you guys support poll of when Allan is going to fire me that I am about to post in our fantasy football league (how the fuck is Hudson 2-0 for far?) I believe this will be proper motivation to keep me focused in my new endeavors. Plus, it will certainly add to my mystique, which as you know, is important in shaping a MiLB legend. Statues do not build themselves.

Here is the poll:

How long will it be before Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] fires Bads85?

A) Before Bads even arrives in Eugene.
B) Halloween.
C) Never. Bads will have Allan’s job soon.
D) Bads will quit before Allan fires him because Joe Hudson will offer Bads a job with the 66ers, and the city of San Bernardino will have a parade.

Also, can I take one of your Beer Batter signs to Eugene to place on the wall behind my desk? You guys don’t appear to use your Beer Batter signs anymore, and I can tell my new co-workers that I stole it from you guys (more mystique building). I know you still have them because Little Bads created a detailed map of your prop inventory in case I needed some party favors in the future. I am trying to recruit him to work for the Ems this summer, but he is giving me some bullshit about about a biology internship at the University of San Diego this summer. I don’t know where I went wrong with that boy. Just last summer he was Bacon, diligently trying to remember to tape the foi
Anyway, I know Joe is going to be very sad that my credit card will not be setting the cash register in The Garage afire anymore. The rest of you should make sure you give him ample amount of hugs to get him through these dark times. Spring will be here we know it, and the Ems will be selling so many more tickets than you.

SHOTS!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Do you miss me yet? I bet you do under that gruff exterior. I will keep this short because I know you find my missives exhausting. First I must ask though, was that jealousy or relief in your eyes when you saw the Portland Pickles were courting me in one of your luxury boxes at PK Park? At my advanced age, it is hard to distinguish the two.

So on my way home from Eugene, I asked a higher deity for a sign of which turn my professional career should take. Upon my arrival at my current primary profession, over the course of the day I discovered:

1. a hobo camp in the wash next to our PE fields.
2. one of my students had brandished a life on another student, saying he would skin him like a cat.
3. Another student had put two other students in ambulances with her barehands.
4. No donuts in the staff room (again).

I think this god was sending me a pretty clear sign. Plus, I heard the Emeralds are hiring now.

Too soon? Perhaps. Nothing last forever though, and we are too old to dance around the burning bush or other mixed metaphors. I need a position to supplement my pension (and a medical plan), and you need promotions director. In the last year, against your will, I raised 1900 in twenty-four hours for your charity, and brought Dillon T. Pickle to your park for a post season game. Plus I brought immeasurable joy to Eugene with my visits. Imagine what I could do with your blessing. 

Sign IMG Hotels as the official hotel of the Eugene Emeralds for starters. They adore me at Even Hotel Eugene, one of four IMG properties in the Eugene area. I even took the liberty to discuss a shuttle service to PK Park with the Ems’ Arcrimotos with the front desk receptionist, but we became sidetracked when she started waxing poetically about Civic Stadium, and I had to get some of those sweet, sweet barbecue wings from The Cooler before the game.

The next thing I would do is placate the rest of the Eugene Hotel Mafia by illustrating that the new stadium would also be used as a centerpiece for travel ball showcases. Youth sports are projected to be an 86 billion dollar industry by the year 2030, and together we can a piece of that pie. You see, Allan, I love to eat pie, and I am pretty sure you do too, so let’s make Eugene a youth baseball/softball Mecca. The Fredericksburg Nationals hosted the Babe Ruth Nationals this year at their new park, and it filled over 1200 hotel rooms over the course of the tournament. This is a trend across our fair nation. If you like, I could prepare a dazzling presentation with bitching slides with graphics that POP about how many hotel room the new stadium could fit with youth tournaments. I will let you in on a Bads85 secret. Most of my visions are a result of diligent research, not madness. Oh, madness certainly accounts for some, but not as much as many would think.

I know you might be thinking, “Bullshit Bads85! You are a Recovering Catholic who wonders what would have happened had you grown up a decadent Jew. You didn’t ask any higher deity for guidance.” You might have even stopped reading, which is why I am forwarding this to others on your staff. You should discuss bringing me aboard when you drive to Canada with your merry crew this week for the Emeralds’ second consecutive championship. At the very least, we should pal around at the Arizona Fall League, or Winter Meetings. Imagine the Pelicans’ surprise if I were there wearing an Ems’ polo!

Gotta run. Have to talk to the Portland Pickles about a promo in which Dillon T. Pickle slaps around obnoxious Little League parents. Do not worry though. You will always be my primary muse.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Oops. I did not keep this missive short because I am an outlaw — the outlaw you need to make your old bones young again! Ask yourself, what do you really have to lose?

Dear K.L. Wombacher [President; General Manager; Hillsboro Hops]:

I was very saddened that you did not make the trip down from Eugene to converse with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] and myself last night during Game One of the Northwest League Championship Series. The festivities went on well into the night after the Emerald trounced the Vancouver Canadians, a team for which your organization has publicly supported. I can confirm that your support greatly agitated Allan, which I am sure was your intent. I must give you proper kudos for that, but also advise you that small victory came with a terrible price.

By choosing to support the Canadians, you have earned the wrath of of all of America, even beyond MiLB. That type of stunt might have gone unnoticed in a short season post season, but now that the Northwest League is a full season league, all of the eyes of America were on Eugene last night. Even liberals in Chicago are shaking their fists at your organization. Baseball is America’s pastime, not Canada’s, and by turning your back on the Eugene Emeralds, you have turned you back on all of America, Mr. Wombacher. As the hipsters on the internet say, “Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for you.”

I am sure that you did not really mean for your organization to turn its back on America, and this was just a momentary lapse of reason brought forth by post season adrenaline ,and the fact that the Canadians payed rent for the use of your stadium last season (I hope some of those revenues were earmarked for turf maintenance). As you probably have heard, I am a man of solutions — one who unites, not divides. I think you could rectify your blunder by coming down to Eugene tonight to renounce the Canadians and give your full support for America’s sweethearts, the Eugene Emeralds. We could also throw back some cocktails like well met MiLB veterans whose paths cross on the well traveled road to perdition. Or is it redemption? I often confuse the two. I suppose we will find out when we reach our journey’s end.

Perhaps you could also assist us with brainstorming alternative identities for the Portland Pickles. Last night we came up with:

Portland Master John Goodfellows

Portland Admiral Winkies

Portland Zorkers

Portland Yogurt Cannons

Portland Pudding Pricks

Portland Apple Johns

Portland War Cannons

Anyway, I have to run. This belly is not going to feed itself. Hopefully, we will see you tonight. This is the last Ems’ home game of the season, so the post game party should be something folk singers will write ballads about one day.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Emperor Eugene Emeralds]:

My good friend, I will be in Eugene this Monday. Let me tell you a bit about my life right now. I am a grown ass man and another grown ass man who is the general manager of a minor league baseball team is writing to me in monosyllabic grunts, pretending to be a pickle. He is requesting that his mascot, Dillon T. Pickle, throw out the first pitch at the Emeralds’ game this Monday. There is also talk about riding electric scooters, and his mascots inability to read my long missives. Meanwhile, your fearless leader, Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds], has placed himself in his cone of silence again.

This is not a drill. This is not a prank (on my end anyway). Dillon T. Pickle is coming to Eugene next week. I am sure his handlers will be with him. I am not sure of the full extent of their plans as now their GM only responds to my verbosity with grunts. I am sure you are aware that these guys do things big, so I doubt they are coming silently to meekly absorb America’s pastime in Eugene.

After a summer of watching affiliated ball continue to wither on the vine, I really am not sure of my intentions either. I am feeling froggy enough to earn an exile to Nanaimo for the 2023 season. However, my tawdry actions will occur outside PK Park, which I considered a third home. The Pickles though? Who knows. They might be total psychos. One can meet some real weirdos on the internet.

Let’s back up the truck to review in case this is not sinking in. The general manager of the Portland Pickles accepted my invitation for his mascot to attend a post season game in Eugene. When I responded in great detail inquiring about food trucks and Voodoo Donuts, the general manager went into full pickle mode and is now grunting about electric scooters and throwing out the ceremonial first pitch.

My advice is to allow Dillon T. Pickle to throw out the first pitch and have to cameras rolling for social media content. Winter is long, and having ample video of what should be a historic even will provide sunshine on those dark days with no baseball. Dillon can frolic with your mascots. Set up a fundraiser for a local charity, and tell the Pickles they will participate in this, or their mascot ends up in a dungeon (aka the visitors’ locker room at PK Park). I would say clear communication could be very important going forward.

Of course, I am just a simple premium package ticket holder. What do I know? Oh, by the way, I took the liberty to also invite the Spokane Indians and Hillsboro Hops mascots – not the Tri City Dust Devils though. That thing looks like a turd.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, old friend. It has been a while since we have communicated. Did you know that the Ems’ median home game duration was only 141 minutes this season, and that was the shortest in MILB? It was also 14 minutes the shorter that the longest of the Northwest League. I know these things because knowledge is power (I also know the exact amount of PPP loans every MiLB team received).

I am sure you have heard by now that I will be coming to Eugene next week for the post season. Vicious rumors are circulating about my arrival. I can assure you that Mayor Lucy Vinis and I will not be pitching a tent on your front lawn to bring attention to the homeless plight in the Emerald Valley. These old bones need a bed, and I hear the mayor is into tiny houses these days. As you well know, I need space. 

I can confirm one rumor you have probably heard by now: yes, Dillon T. Pickle will be my guest for at least one of the games at PK Park next week. You might be wondering just how that happened, and the short answer is OPPORTUNITY. You see, the Pickles’ General Manager, Ross Campbell actually reads my emails and responded positively to my invitation. Do not be alarmed when a seven foot pickle enters the gates with me. Of course, you are probably saying, “Bullshit, Bads85, no pickle is coming to the game with you”, but ask yourself when does Bads85 not come through with what he promises.

I am pretty sure that Dillon is coming in peace and to support the Emeralds against the Canadian Scourge, but I have no control what happens on the streets of Eugene after the game. I think Pickles’ front office is coming down also, so once again, my arrival in Eugene is boosting your attendance figures. I plan on extending other invitations, so this might get big as things I plan often do. By time the dust settles, this might go down as the Great Mascot Mashup of 2022. People might sing ballads about this long after you and I are dead. I checked the Emeralds’ fan code of conduct, and there is nothing in there that states premium season ticket holders like myself cannot bring mascots to the games as guests.
Dillon is requesting to throw out the first ceremonial pitch. I think it is everyone’s best interest that we honor this request. We do not want to anger the Pickle gods with the Northwest League championship. I will keep this short because I know your mind wanders .

I did hear from a reputable source that every Vancouver Canadian batter is a Beer Better during the playoffs.

Your friend in baseball

,Bads85

Dear Kyle Day [Vice President; General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Imagine my disappointment when I watched the Spokane Indians fall out of contention for the post season, meaning I would not be traveling to Spokane for the Northwest League Championship. Oh, how I cursed those Canadian bastards that denied the civilized word a rematch of the 2021 series. It was nice to see your attendance numbers rise as the season progressed though, up to 3,555/game through 65 games. Did you know that the median duration for your home games this season has been 155 minutes? I know these facts because I have access to in-season data.

Remember that dashing man that joined me at Avista Stadium? The one who was not my son?Well, he developed a gizmo that tracks attendance and game duration, and in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. Or maybe it is the one eyed jack that is king. I alway mix those two metaphors. Anyway, we formed a MiLB consulting company called Be Better as a way to expense our road trips. Since your model organization was gracious to us last summer, you will always receive our cutting edge analysis and advice free of charge.

But enough about that? Will your organization be making a trip to Eugene for the championship next week? We will. Dillon T. Pickle of the Portland Pickles is our special guest. Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is going #### himself when a seven foot pickle walks through the gates of PK Park with us. Of course, anyone from your organization is welcome to join us. Word on the street is the Pickles’ guys are savage beasts, many of whom went to school in Corvallis, not Eugene. Our goal is to push back the Canadian scourge, but the caboose might get loose once that happens

Perhaps you should bring one of your mascots with you. This could be the showcase that make Ribby the Redband Trout a national sensation. Robby and Dillion could set set the night afire, or the they could end up in a ditch along with the Ems’ front office. Rumor on the street is that Barley of the Hillsboro Hops might be joining us too. As the man on the radio says, “Promise me you won’t forget the nights that haven’t happened yet.”

I need to cut this short. Dillon is requesting to throw out the first pitch, so I need to run that by Allan. If Allan denies my request, I suppose we still have options by the bar in right field. Or Dillon takes the field. No one is arresting a 7 foot pickle. Well, maybe someone will, but that is why we put an intern in the costume. I will post bail for the Dillon outfit (the intern can call his parents). 

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

Dear K.L. Wombacher [President; General Manager; Hillsboro Hops]:

Good day, Sir. I am writing to inquire if you were planning on attending the Northwest League Championship in Eugene next week even though your organization will not be participating as it has only won 57 games this season. As Eugene’s favorite adopted son and Allan Benavides’ [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] confidential advisor, I am hoping to see you to discuss the state of the Northwest League and proper turf maintenance. If you are coming, could you please also bring the Hops’ mascot Barley?

You see, Dillion T. Pickle is supposed to my guest at the game because I want Allan to lose his mind when he sees a seven foot pickle walking through the gates with me. If Barely were to walk through with us, poor Allan would actually be at a loss for words, which as you know, is a very rare thing. Plus, the Hops would get some exposure going into the offseason, which might jumpstart some season ticket sales up there in Hillsboro. Most importantly, your organization would be able to fire a resounding salvo in the Northwest League mascot wars. Remember, this is the group that brought their inflatable Sluggo to your complex. The time for payback is now.

You might be wondering, “Bads85, the Emeralds are not going to just let Barley walk through their gates. Security will lock it in a dungeon underneath PK Park!” Well, K.L., as a premium season ticker holder who has diligently studied the Emeralds’ fan code of conduct, I know it is well within my rights to bring mascots to Emeralds’ game. For some reason I cannot bring a xylophone, but big, furry costumes are not off limits. This is one of the reasons I purchased a premium season ticket package, even though I live 900 miles from Eugene — that and the fact the Ems’ embrace the Beer Batter, unlike another organization we will not mention at this time.

Perhaps my travels will take me to Hillsboro next season. I was last at Ron Tonkin Field when Dansby Swanson played there. The local sheriff chased my wife and children because they wandered too far onto Roloff Farms. Those little outlaws are in college now (my kids, not the Roloffs), so our visit was a long time ago. Speaking of outlaws, any chance Barley can slip a bottle of Jameson’s through the gates? I heard Jameson’s is Dillon T. Pickle’s shot of choice.

Anyway, I hope to see you next week. I will only be there for the first game because the Inland Empire 66ers, and they make the playoffs about as often as the Diamondbacks make the playoffs. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] will be furious with me if I am not there. He is still stinging from the fantasy football trashing I put on him last season.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ross Campbell [General Manager; Portland Pickles]:

Thank you for almost immediate confirmation to attend the Northwest League Championship in Eugene. You inquired about a plan. Are you familiar with General William Tecumseh Sherman’s march on Atlanta in the Civil War? Something like that — metaphorically speaking of course. Federal officials frown upon igniting real blazes during fire season, and as you have probably heard by now, my face is far too pretty for prison. However, by team we are done, Dillon T. Pickle will rule the streets of Eugene.

I must admit, the planning of what should be an epic event is still in the infancy stage, but now with your confirmation, we can get moving on this pretty quickly. You might be aware that mascot wars are nothing new in the Northwest League Finals. One year, the Emeralds took their giant inflatable of Sluggo to Hillsboro and erected beyond right field of Tonka Truck Stadium, which led to the Hops doing the same, and a tradition was sort of born. However, last year, the Ems did not take their mascot to Spokane for the finals because they had too many sets of golf clubs in Allan Benavides’s [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] truck. I was on that trip, and a photo of us slamming tequila shots made a Christmas card.

But I digress! We need to plan. Here is what I do know for sure. I pretty much have as many tickets as a I want there because the Ems’ love me, plus I am a premium season ticket holder even though I live nine hundred miles away. I have plenty of tickets stashed away for occasions like this. I bought the season ticket package because I grew tired of Allan saying, “Bads85, you live in California. What do you know Emeralds’ season ticket holders?” Quite a bit now, Allan. Quite a bit.

Just tell how many I should expect from your party, and I will take care of the tickets. The more the merrier I say. In fact, invite some of the Voodoo Donut crew (or at least bring some of their delicious donuts). Maybe you can round up a food truck or two. We could make this something very large, creating excellent content for social media. I look forward to your valuable input.

Allan might not believe you are coming until you are actually there. After all these years, he still doubts me. Last year I raised $1,900 in twenty-four hours for his favorite charity, and he really did not think it was happening until I presented him with the check.

I need to run. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] is blowing up my phone, wondering why I will be spending the 66ers first playoff appearance since 2014 with Dillion T. Pickle.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Ross Campbell [General Manager; Portland Pickles]:

Congratulations on a successful 2022 marketing campaign that pumped phallic promotions to new high-water marks. I do know a little bit about this as I was the creator of the Fayetteville Woodpecker’s highly successful Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker! hard sell that inspired the South to rise again. I also was in charge of the Inland Empire 66ers Twitter account when your mascot Dillon T. Pickle’s thumb went viral and responded with “You must be happy to see us.” My takeover of that account was a result of winning a fantasy football wager with Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and lasted seventh months until I was removed for telling the Fresno Grizzlies that the only thing in which they were league leaders was stadium debt. I did not get the memo that California League trash talking on Twitter was scripted.

I am sure you are not resting on your laurels of the 2022 season, but I cannot help notice the Pickles’ Twitter account has not been very active lately. I have a suggestion to rectify that: Take Dillon to the Northeast League Championship next week on September 12th in Eugene as the Emeralds take on the Vancouver Canadians. Bring the entire front office as my guests. You see, I am kind of a big deal in Eugene. It is a rather long story of how that came to be, but Mayor Lucy Vinis is reported to have a secret crush on me while Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is very open about his platonic love for me. We go way back. He once almost drove my golf cart over a cliff looking for his errant drive. 

But this is not about me; it is about keeping Dillion relevant as we enter autumn. Your Twitter gurus can really get the giggle sticks throbbing if Dillion is running throughout PK Park with Sluggo the Green Bear. Plus, I will allow Dillon a photo opportunity with myself, which will prove to the baseball world that the Portland Pickles truly have arrived. Perhaps you and I can toss back some Slippery Nipples during the game while we laugh at Allan, who will still have to work. After the game, we can take Dillon on a pub crawl, starting at The Cooler, a renown hole in the wallr where all minor league road warriors cleanse the trail dust from their palettes. I could teach Dillion to drink though his eyeballs so the alcohol hits the optic nerve and goes straight to the brain, skipping the liver. 

I will not be attending the entire Northwest League championship series because the Canadian authorities are still on edge from my baseball road trip through their backasswards county last summer. Also, I need to fly return home for the California League playoffs as my beloved Inland Empire 66ers are returning to the post season for the first time since 2014. You and Dillon are welcome to join that raucous party, but make sure you do not put your mascot costume in the cargo hold of a domestic flight.

At this point, you are probably asking yourself, “Bads85, you are one of the founders of Be Better, the consummate MiLB consulting company. What can you offer my organization?” Since we might be drinking buddies next week on the mean streets of Eugene, I will offer you this free advice: improve the language on your employer bio pages. Those are the bios of primary school teachers, not the outlaws of the college wood bat leagues. Instead of “Ross enjoys working with local companies, and connecting with fans to create a great atmosphere at Pickles & Gherkins games!”, try something like “Ross implores his staff to shred the night, ensuring his sponsors obtain maximum exposure at events that transcend baseball. Ross’s rock hard, take no prisoner approach to marketing provides yadda, yadda, yadda, something about driving nails.”

Your staff might want to hit the weight room also – beefcake is an eternal seller.

I need to run. The post season in affiliated ball creates many demands to fulfill.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85