I Talk To Patrick About the Importance of Donuts

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Pardon my delay in responding. Contrary to vicious rumors that have been circulating, the news of Alex Stimson [former Media Relations, Eugene Emeralds] leaving the organization did not put me in the fetal position, listening to GnR’s “Cold November Rain” on an endless loop. Grizzled minor league veterans realize that personnel departures are just the nature of the profession, and everyone continues to march forward because TOUCHING THE NIGHT waits for no one (you should advocate that Stimson’s name be removed from the team website and your contact information be put back on). I have been very busy with other MiLB endeavors, including running the Twitter account of a certain MiLB organization, plus the golf polo designs, a college football road trip to Boise, and other things that really should not be discussed outside of a dark bar.

During the time between our missives, I did design a season ticket plan that targets the country club crowd who have no qualms spending copious amounts of money at the ballpark of expensive booze. This plan would involve myself formally working with the Emeralds in a remote fashion, preferably with a national membership at Eugene Country Club. When I presented it to Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds], he responded with an encouraging, “Fuck off, Bads85!” which is code for “Abracadabra! Make some magic happen!” Last time he told me that, I raised $1900.00 for his pet charity in twenty-four hours, mostly while sleeping as a quite mad hockey analyst drove to Eugene through the dark California night. I am sure he will come around completely soon, especially with a little prodding.

You mentioned that the Emeralds’ employ the democratic method in the front office when shaping promotions. I have found that voting in MiLB front offices is greatly influenced by donuts. A Boston Kreme or Maple Glaze can move mountains in terms of a co-worker’s opinion. I am sure a couple of you comrades cannot be bribed with a donut, but I am sure we can get Anne Cullane [Director of Community Relations] on our side in The Hulk versus Squatch cage match idea if we promote Sluggo joining Doctor Strange in some psychedelic promotion night (get that Dead tribute band back at PK Park). Once Anne is on our side, Grumpy Allan and Pragmatic Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager] will probably be the only ones who need convincing, and the chocolate sprinkles should get Allan to relax.

Anything new on the promotions front beyond the Marvel Entertainment deal? Word on the street is that the Danville Otterbots have a flame thrower. I have yet to confirm that from a reputable source, bit how cool would it be to have one of those a PK Park? If you supply enough donuts to the front office, I bet they would vote to let you have flame thrower duties. Get some interns to make paper mache’ facsimiles of the opposing team’s mascots, and GO TO TOWN. If you melt a little turf, or set the outfield wall on fire, who cares? The Ems are getting evicted from PK Park anyway. Do not burn the intern though because the paperwork is fierce when that happens. Ask me how I know!

Anyway, I have to pack for the big Arizona Fall League trip this weekend. As always, I am confused about what I should wear. Unfortunately, the Ems have not released their 2021 Championship gear yet, so the struggle is real. Check the 66ers’ Twitter feed for live updates from the road.

Your friend in baseball,


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