I Talk To Kyle About Saving Cracker Jack

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

I apologize for not being in touch for a while. As you have probably heard, I inadvertently became a golf polo designer for select MiLB clubs. It all started with the Inland Empire 66ers when I defeated their general manager in fantasy football in Week Two of the season and earned the spoils of victory and a piece of their general manager’s soul. The polo is so crisp that other organizations have been requesting my services. I even designed one the Spokane Indians as a token of appreciation for your hospitality a few weeks back, which was not easy considering the shade of blue of your team colors. That blue looks great on brick dust, but not so much on the country club scene. With your permission, I will share my design with your graphic guru.

I do have some bitter news to report. I will not be going undefeated in the 66ers fantasy football league after getting crushed in Week Five. Football is pain, Kyle. I might have lost my spleen this weekend. However, there is no looking back only, forward. 

When your organization graciously let the Eugene Emeralds in the outfield bar for Game Three of the High A West Championship Series, you gave our group a mountain of snacks, including what seemed like fourteen cases of Cracker Jack. Allan Benavides [General Manager] commented that whoever makes Cracker Jack these days is shorting their customers with peanuts. We tore open about twenty bags of Cracker Jack, and once again Allan was correct.

You know what is in a package of Cracker Jack though? Memories, which is why people keep buying them even though the caramelized popcorn is a morass of grossness. By time they are done with the package, they realize nostalgia is not what it used to be. The other problem with Cracker Jack is the cheesy, but terribly fun prized have been replaced by QR code stickers for an online game. Once again Corporate America is shitting on our childhood, Kyle.

I am sure your astute baseball mind is sniffing a possible promotion here, but I am two steps ahead because, well, I am just wired that way I suppose. Save Cracker Jack Night is sure to be a rousing success. Here is how it will shake out:

  1. Give free Cracker Jack packages to everyone in attendance. A MiLB organization never sells al the Cracker Jack that gets shipped to them over a season anyway. If the TOP BRASS rumbles about “free”, charge fifty cents. Or tell them you will spend more on labor than the price of the Cracker Jack you are giving away.
  2. Set up QR Codes all over Avista Stadium of cultural icons and popular fads of the past. Fans can shoot the codes and see Rubik’s Cubes, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Manson, pet rocks, Atari 2400s, Slinkys, conical bras, etc. Maybe put a coonskin cap on Recycle Man and give him a squirrel rifle and let him roam the stands. Stage a panty raid in the press box. 
  3. Put the images on your digital scoreboard…. wait, you do not have one of those, despite this being 2021. Do not worry; I can possibly help you rectify that, but that is a topic for a later missive. Worst case scenario is just to build a new stadium with a state of the art scoreboard included. Or we get one that fell off a truck.
  4. Create a stellar playlist of songs that evoke nostalgia, like The Scorpions’ “Bad Boys Running Wild, Huey Lewis’s “I Want a New Drug”, Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” and anything Michael Jackson and Madonna.
  5. At some point in the game, fans are going to start realizing that the QR Code game is just that a gimmick, just like a Cracker Jack prize. When they grow restless, your minions will start taping QR codes with real prizes with cool prizes around the stadium – flat screen TVs, other assorted electronics, bass boats, ponies, convertible sports cars, whatever is in the budge. TVs are really cheap at Best Buy these days.
  6. I am sure we can think of other things, but I am still smarting from my fantasy football losses, so we can kick that can down the road for now. Blowing up Ninja Turtles always entertains the kids though. And dinosaurs. Anything that bring back childhood memories helps make this a successful promotion.

Speaking of dinosaurs, now that I am bringing your organization national recognition, many of my readers want to know just what the hell is up with the ears of your dinosaur mascots, OTTO and Doris. I have deflected these rather angry questions with tales of Ribby the Red Redband Trout’s little move that drives the crowd wild, and how some of your staff have been known to say it has something to do with the fertilization of the eggs during spawning season. An explanation of those dinosaur mascot ears would be helpful because trout spawning videos will only hold people’s attention for so long.

Have to run. Golf polos do not design themselves.

Your friend in baseball,


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