Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds and Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
It seems just like two weeks ago we were playing golf together in one of my most enjoyable rounds of the year. I would like to thank you for the company on that enjoyable day, and inform you that while you might possibly be enjoying some well deserved down time, I have been very busy because the 2022 season really is not that far away. You might have heard that I have started a new endeavor: designing golf polos with MiLB logos, which are sure to be a smashing success in team stores throughout MiLB. Here is the inland Empire 66ers’ polo that has already won the hearts and minds of MiLB front offices and country club pro shops across the land:
Because I am a giver and grew quite fond of the Emeralds in 2021, I sort of designed one for your organization so Allan does not look like a damn hobo on the links. Can someone take away his puffy sweater vest?
Imagine the Squatch logo on the right sleeve, and a formal Emeralds logo on the left breast. You should get Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer and Game Day Director; Eugene Emeralds] on this right away. I have noticed that since your most recent rebrand, your formal logos appear to be non-existent.
Look, your organization is poised to be building a new stadium, which means recruiting a season ticket base that has financial capital behind them. I understand that “season ticket holders” is an unpleasant phrase in the Emerald Valley, but a new stadium offers new opportunity to recruit wealth to your stadium. Wealth enjoys flexing its status, and season tickets at a brand new stadium is a way to do that. You have a five year honeymoon period once the stadium is complete, but the time to start recruiting the country club crowd is now, and a sharp polo is a good first step. A good follow up step is to promise them first dibs on seats at the new stadium.
You should probably bring in a season ticket director from out of state to bring a sense of credibility and mystique — a guy who is at ease taking season ticket packages with semi-strangers in just a towel in posh locker rooms, but can also howl back at the night in the common voice when required. Most importantly, a man who has the tools and skillset to work remotely while wooing the Emerald Valley. What do you really have to lose?
I know you are thinking, “Bads85, we concentrate on group sales. Picnics, church groups, corporate parties, whoever will buy tickets in blocks of fifty or more on a Wednesday night. Season ticket holders are an inflexible pain in the ass, especially the old crabby ones.” Sure, you have a valid point, but how did group sales work out for you in the COVID era? While we can hope for a return to normalcy in MuLB next season, the world has changed. People are no longer content to go to a group event with Creepy Bob in accounting, or Tipsy Susie who cannot handle her booze, but tries to drink like a sailor and seduce the handsome, young intern. A strong, wealthy season ticket base offers financial security. Picnic people desire chicken; the country club crowd demands filet mignon, and do not blink an eye at the price, except for Cheap Charlie who inherited his membership.
Anyway, I need to soak my bones in the hot tub. I started trying to get back in shape for the Cactus League next spring, and my body is rebelling.
Your friend in baseball,Bads85
PS: Green beer for Thirsty Thursdays in April!
Dead Religions 