Dear K.L. Wombacher [President; General Manager; Hillsboro Hops]:
I was very saddened that you did not make the trip down from Eugene to converse with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] and myself last night during Game One of the Northwest League Championship Series. The festivities went on well into the night after the Emerald trounced the Vancouver Canadians, a team for which your organization has publicly supported. I can confirm that your support greatly agitated Allan, which I am sure was your intent. I must give you proper kudos for that, but also advise you that small victory came with a terrible price.
By choosing to support the Canadians, you have earned the wrath of of all of America, even beyond MiLB. That type of stunt might have gone unnoticed in a short season post season, but now that the Northwest League is a full season league, all of the eyes of America were on Eugene last night. Even liberals in Chicago are shaking their fists at your organization. Baseball is America’s pastime, not Canada’s, and by turning your back on the Eugene Emeralds, you have turned you back on all of America, Mr. Wombacher. As the hipsters on the internet say, “Bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off for you.”
I am sure that you did not really mean for your organization to turn its back on America, and this was just a momentary lapse of reason brought forth by post season adrenaline ,and the fact that the Canadians payed rent for the use of your stadium last season (I hope some of those revenues were earmarked for turf maintenance). As you probably have heard, I am a man of solutions — one who unites, not divides. I think you could rectify your blunder by coming down to Eugene tonight to renounce the Canadians and give your full support for America’s sweethearts, the Eugene Emeralds. We could also throw back some cocktails like well met MiLB veterans whose paths cross on the well traveled road to perdition. Or is it redemption? I often confuse the two. I suppose we will find out when we reach our journey’s end.
Perhaps you could also assist us with brainstorming alternative identities for the Portland Pickles. Last night we came up with:
Portland Master John Goodfellows
Portland Admiral Winkies
Portland Yogurt Cannons
Portland Pudding Pricks
Portland Apple Johns
Portland War Cannons
Anyway, I have to run. This belly is not going to feed itself. Hopefully, we will see you tonight. This is the last Ems’ home game of the season, so the post game party should be something folk singers will write ballads about one day.
Your friend in baseball,