Dear Kyle Day [Vice President; General Manager; Spokane Indians]:
Imagine my disappointment when I watched the Spokane Indians fall out of contention for the post season, meaning I would not be traveling to Spokane for the Northwest League Championship. Oh, how I cursed those Canadian bastards that denied the civilized word a rematch of the 2021 series. It was nice to see your attendance numbers rise as the season progressed though, up to 3,555/game through 65 games. Did you know that the median duration for your home games this season has been 155 minutes? I know these facts because I have access to in-season data.
Remember that dashing man that joined me at Avista Stadium? The one who was not my son?Well, he developed a gizmo that tracks attendance and game duration, and in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king. Or maybe it is the one eyed jack that is king. I alway mix those two metaphors. Anyway, we formed a MiLB consulting company called Be Better as a way to expense our road trips. Since your model organization was gracious to us last summer, you will always receive our cutting edge analysis and advice free of charge.
But enough about that? Will your organization be making a trip to Eugene for the championship next week? We will. Dillon T. Pickle of the Portland Pickles is our special guest. Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is going #### himself when a seven foot pickle walks through the gates of PK Park with us. Of course, anyone from your organization is welcome to join us. Word on the street is the Pickles’ guys are savage beasts, many of whom went to school in Corvallis, not Eugene. Our goal is to push back the Canadian scourge, but the caboose might get loose once that happens
Perhaps you should bring one of your mascots with you. This could be the showcase that make Ribby the Redband Trout a national sensation. Robby and Dillion could set set the night afire, or the they could end up in a ditch along with the Ems’ front office. Rumor on the street is that Barley of the Hillsboro Hops might be joining us too. As the man on the radio says, “Promise me you won’t forget the nights that haven’t happened yet.”
I need to cut this short. Dillon is requesting to throw out the first pitch, so I need to run that by Allan. If Allan denies my request, I suppose we still have options by the bar in right field. Or Dillon takes the field. No one is arresting a 7 foot pickle. Well, maybe someone will, but that is why we put an intern in the costume. I will post bail for the Dillon outfit (the intern can call his parents).
Your friend in baseball,