Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Hey, now that you have received possible funding your stadium, does that mean Grumpy Allan is permanently back in the corner, only to be let out when the whale huggers protest the intrusion of the kangaroo rat’s precarious habitat on a flood plain? I hope you are celebrating at the divine Tacovore at 530 Blair Blvd, Eugene, OR 97401. After all, that is place that gave me the inspiration to demand you hire me, and here we are.
I think we should approach Tacovore’s management about selling pitchers of the world class margaritas at Emeralds’ games this season. Perhaps they can have their own kitchen at the new stadium also. It could be right next to the freshly squeezed lemonade stand that you promised me in 2021. Hell, they can run both stands, and it will rain money.
You know what the very best thing about getting a tourism tax passed to possibly fund a stadium? We do not have to feel guilty about cost overruns because that tax is never going away. We can have every amenity we ever dreamed of at the new place. Of course, being the civic-minded individuals we are, we should look for things that benefit the entire community, but especially the hotel industry since that hotel tax is funding the cranes. For just a few more dollars, our new stadium can have a youth sports complex that can attract travel baseball and softball tournaments and showcases. Eugene: Baseball Mecca. Can you feel it? Do you know how many people would come to Eugene for a 1000 team tournament? Suddenly the Hotel Mafia is one our side instead of bickering with us. Don’t worry, as usual, I have a master plan. Do you know how many margaritas we can sell at youth sporting events?
You know what also promotes tourism? Reality TV shows. People will flock to Eugene and PK Park this year if they once they hear the rumors that a reality TV show is being filmed there this year. The best thing about rumors is they do not have to be founded in fact. Just tell people the reason Bads85 came to town was to produce the reality TV show. Have some interns run around the stadium with game day, and we sell out most of the season. This is weatherproof!
Perhaps my official title should be Bads85 [Tourism Liaison; Eugene Emeralds]. Many people struggle to spell “liaison” though. We probably should go with Tourism Commissioner. Hey, when is the Ems’ Christmas party this year? My social calendar is going to be filling up quick, and I want to be sure I have that date blocked out. Also, when do I get to meet Mayor Lucy Vinis?
I am going to cut this one short. Not only do I have to write letters to Eugene’s top hospital executives to gauge their interest in season tickets, but I probably should watch some old Night Ranger videos for clues on how to motivate the younger staff members who are now my brothers in arms.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85 [Tourism Commissioner; Eugene Emeralds]
PS: I am thinking Pearl Jam should play the inaugural concert at the new stadium.
Dead Religions 