I Look to Grow My Mascot Army

Dear K.L. Wombacher [President; General Manager; Hillsboro Hops]:

Good day, Sir. I am writing to inquire if you were planning on attending the Northwest League Championship in Eugene next week even though your organization will not be participating as it has only won 57 games this season. As Eugene’s favorite adopted son and Allan Benavides’ [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] confidential advisor, I am hoping to see you to discuss the state of the Northwest League and proper turf maintenance. If you are coming, could you please also bring the Hops’ mascot Barley?

You see, Dillion T. Pickle is supposed to my guest at the game because I want Allan to lose his mind when he sees a seven foot pickle walking through the gates with me. If Barely were to walk through with us, poor Allan would actually be at a loss for words, which as you know, is a very rare thing. Plus, the Hops would get some exposure going into the offseason, which might jumpstart some season ticket sales up there in Hillsboro. Most importantly, your organization would be able to fire a resounding salvo in the Northwest League mascot wars. Remember, this is the group that brought their inflatable Sluggo to your complex. The time for payback is now.

You might be wondering, “Bads85, the Emeralds are not going to just let Barley walk through their gates. Security will lock it in a dungeon underneath PK Park!” Well, K.L., as a premium season ticker holder who has diligently studied the Emeralds’ fan code of conduct, I know it is well within my rights to bring mascots to Emeralds’ game. For some reason I cannot bring a xylophone, but big, furry costumes are not off limits. This is one of the reasons I purchased a premium season ticket package, even though I live 900 miles from Eugene — that and the fact the Ems’ embrace the Beer Batter, unlike another organization we will not mention at this time.

Perhaps my travels will take me to Hillsboro next season. I was last at Ron Tonkin Field when Dansby Swanson played there. The local sheriff chased my wife and children because they wandered too far onto Roloff Farms. Those little outlaws are in college now (my kids, not the Roloffs), so our visit was a long time ago. Speaking of outlaws, any chance Barley can slip a bottle of Jameson’s through the gates? I heard Jameson’s is Dillon T. Pickle’s shot of choice.

Anyway, I hope to see you next week. I will only be there for the first game because the Inland Empire 66ers, and they make the playoffs about as often as the Diamondbacks make the playoffs. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] will be furious with me if I am not there. He is still stinging from the fantasy football trashing I put on him last season.

Your friend in baseball,


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