Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I see you are searching to hire an Account Executive; Ticket Sales, and that person’s number one job responsibility is to generate revenue through season ticket sales. I am glad to see that you are investing in building a season ticket base, no doubt a result of my last missive, which was a while ago. I must admit I was initially a bit hurt that you did not reach out to me personally to offer me the job. After all, we shared a hotel room on the road together. However, my son, a grizzled minor league baseball employee, informed me that you probably did not think I was interested in such a position. Well, Allan, it is time for me to embrace the next chapter in my profession journey, so I am officially announcing myself as a candidate.
Before we talk hard numbers, let’s take some time to reacquaint ourselves with each other. Spokane was quite sometime ago. How has life been treating you? I bet you have been busy designing those championship rings (I will send you my ring size). As you have probably heard, I have been very busy since MiLB announced its partnership with Marvel Entertainment. I have also been tearing up the Inland Empire 66ers’ fantasy football league because I am a winner. Joe Hudson [General Manager; IE 66ers] has the potential to have the worst team in fantasy football history. I fear he is a broken man at this point. Maybe you should fly down to visit him. We can play golf and make him whole again.
I know you are probably thinking more about me working with you than Joe Hudson’s fragile psyche, and so let’s talk about me selling season tickets. All I need is an official Eugene Emeralds email address and a health plan, and much of Eugene will have 2022 season tickets as stocking stuffers this year. I do not have to live in the Eugene area to successfully cold call prospective customers, especially since most initial contacts will be through electronic missives, which the cool cats these day call “emails”. For instance an initial correspondence might look something like this:
Dear Rich Spurlin [General Manager; Eugene Country Club]:
I had the immense pleasure of playing your fine course this past summer, and it was a highlight in a wonderful year for golf at places like Sawgrass, Harbourtown, and Couer d’Alene. As the newly appointed Season Ticket Director of the Eugene Emeralds, I would like to extend a person invitation to you and your members to become a season ticket holder of the Eugene Emeralds. As you have probably heard, our organization is in the process of constructing a new, state of the art baseball stadium, and all season ticket holders will have first rights to purchase season tickets… blah blah blah, add something about how you, Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralsds} should take up tennis because your slice in incurable, blah blah. Perhaps we can meet on the links to discuss this.
Your friend in golf (and baseball)
Bads85
I know you are thinking, “Bads85, quit fucking with me! You are so overqualified to be an Account Executive, and you really don’t want this position. I cannot afford to pay you what you deserve, plus I need some on game days.”
Allan, my good friend, compensation is always negotiable, as are job responsibilities. Strong minds can find common ground, especially when we live in a glorious time in which technology allows us to bridge vast distances. Besides, what do you have to lose by letting me officially pursue season tickets accounts through an official Emeralds’ account? I promise I will not use it to contact the Myrtle Beach Pelicans… unless you tell me to do so.
Your friend in baseball,
Bads85
PS: When will the championship merchandise be released?
Dead Religions 