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I Talk To a Man About Squatch vs. The Hulk

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good man. The last time we saw in each other was that tearful good bye in the hotel in Spokane during the High A West Championship Series. Perhaps you were not crying, but I certainly was because my head was throbbing from a vicious hangover from that Norwegian liqueur I was pounding with your compatriots until two in the morning. I hope I was appropriately dressed at the time as things are still a bit fuzzy on my end from that morning. I do remember stumbling to a hobo encampment when I was trying to purchase a Powerball ticket, which undoubtedly jinxed my chances of winning.

Thank you for sending me that news release concerning MiLB’s new partnership with Marvel Entertainment. My immediate reaction was “Squatch vs The Hulk! Zajac has to make this happen!” I am sure you are already thinking of turning PK Park a giant WWE style event for one magical night this summer, but are concerned that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] will be a grumpy monkey, and say, “You know, I am not really sure we want that.” Believe me, I feel your apprehension. If I had a dollar for every promotion idea of mine that he has shot down, ground would already be broken on the Emeralds’ new stadium.

Squatch kicking The Hulk’s ass on a live stream is just what the Ems need to promote their brand nationally. Every kid in America is going to want a Squatch hat after The Hulk is disposed. You do not even have to worry about the outcome because pro wresting is fixed. Squatch will become so popular that you can put his image on pool toys, and Little Eric from Dothan, Alabama will demand that his mother buy him the Squatch on a Unicom pool inflatable. Eric’s mom might even get a Squatch Tattoo right above her “Rock of Dothan” tattoo.  Grown ass men will want Squatch decals for their golf carts.

I am sure there are some people in your front office that want Sluggo involved in this, and sure why not? You will need to fill the undercard with something. Sluggo versus Captain Underpants will certainly entertain the kids, maybe not as much as exploding dinosaurs, but we cannot always have ice cream for dinner. Yes, I know that Captain Underwear is not in the Marvel Universe (yet), but Sluggo just doesn’t have the cannons to take on an Avenger. Sluggo is going to have to stay in his lane on this one.

I know you are thinking, “But what about Allan? How are I am going to get him to sign off on this thing?” Well, do not mention my name for starters. He seems to think my visons are too bold to be practical. I think he is still bent about my constructive criticism about the lack of freshly squeezed lemonade at PK Park, plus I am a much better golfer than he is, despite his vanity handicap, which is sad because I am not very good at that frustrating endeavor. Just tell him he cannot have Grateful Dead tribute bands play every night, and that he needs to trust you. Tell him you heard the Kings of Leon want to play at the event.

This Marvel partnership is the gift that is going to keep on giving for many years. I look forward to collaborating with you in the future. I would share more today, but I have a flight to Boise to catch because Air Force vs. Boise State, only happens once a year. My presence has been requested at certain pre-game ceremonies and tail gates around town – and the after parties, oh how my liver quakes.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Get on this quick! I heard Spokane want to do Iron Man verses Recycle Man!

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I Talk To Kyle About Saving Cracker Jack

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

I apologize for not being in touch for a while. As you have probably heard, I inadvertently became a golf polo designer for select MiLB clubs. It all started with the Inland Empire 66ers when I defeated their general manager in fantasy football in Week Two of the season and earned the spoils of victory and a piece of their general manager’s soul. The polo is so crisp that other organizations have been requesting my services. I even designed one the Spokane Indians as a token of appreciation for your hospitality a few weeks back, which was not easy considering the shade of blue of your team colors. That blue looks great on brick dust, but not so much on the country club scene. With your permission, I will share my design with your graphic guru.

I do have some bitter news to report. I will not be going undefeated in the 66ers fantasy football league after getting crushed in Week Five. Football is pain, Kyle. I might have lost my spleen this weekend. However, there is no looking back only, forward. 

When your organization graciously let the Eugene Emeralds in the outfield bar for Game Three of the High A West Championship Series, you gave our group a mountain of snacks, including what seemed like fourteen cases of Cracker Jack. Allan Benavides [General Manager] commented that whoever makes Cracker Jack these days is shorting their customers with peanuts. We tore open about twenty bags of Cracker Jack, and once again Allan was correct.

You know what is in a package of Cracker Jack though? Memories, which is why people keep buying them even though the caramelized popcorn is a morass of grossness. By time they are done with the package, they realize nostalgia is not what it used to be. The other problem with Cracker Jack is the cheesy, but terribly fun prized have been replaced by QR code stickers for an online game. Once again Corporate America is shitting on our childhood, Kyle.

I am sure your astute baseball mind is sniffing a possible promotion here, but I am two steps ahead because, well, I am just wired that way I suppose. Save Cracker Jack Night is sure to be a rousing success. Here is how it will shake out:

  1. Give free Cracker Jack packages to everyone in attendance. A MiLB organization never sells al the Cracker Jack that gets shipped to them over a season anyway. If the TOP BRASS rumbles about “free”, charge fifty cents. Or tell them you will spend more on labor than the price of the Cracker Jack you are giving away.
  2. Set up QR Codes all over Avista Stadium of cultural icons and popular fads of the past. Fans can shoot the codes and see Rubik’s Cubes, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Manson, pet rocks, Atari 2400s, Slinkys, conical bras, etc. Maybe put a coonskin cap on Recycle Man and give him a squirrel rifle and let him roam the stands. Stage a panty raid in the press box. 
  3. Put the images on your digital scoreboard…. wait, you do not have one of those, despite this being 2021. Do not worry; I can possibly help you rectify that, but that is a topic for a later missive. Worst case scenario is just to build a new stadium with a state of the art scoreboard included. Or we get one that fell off a truck.
  4. Create a stellar playlist of songs that evoke nostalgia, like The Scorpions’ “Bad Boys Running Wild, Huey Lewis’s “I Want a New Drug”, Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” and anything Michael Jackson and Madonna.
  5. At some point in the game, fans are going to start realizing that the QR Code game is just that a gimmick, just like a Cracker Jack prize. When they grow restless, your minions will start taping QR codes with real prizes with cool prizes around the stadium – flat screen TVs, other assorted electronics, bass boats, ponies, convertible sports cars, whatever is in the budge. TVs are really cheap at Best Buy these days.
  6. I am sure we can think of other things, but I am still smarting from my fantasy football losses, so we can kick that can down the road for now. Blowing up Ninja Turtles always entertains the kids though. And dinosaurs. Anything that bring back childhood memories helps make this a successful promotion.

Speaking of dinosaurs, now that I am bringing your organization national recognition, many of my readers want to know just what the hell is up with the ears of your dinosaur mascots, OTTO and Doris. I have deflected these rather angry questions with tales of Ribby the Red Redband Trout’s little move that drives the crowd wild, and how some of your staff have been known to say it has something to do with the fertilization of the eggs during spawning season. An explanation of those dinosaur mascot ears would be helpful because trout spawning videos will only hold people’s attention for so long.

Have to run. Golf polos do not design themselves.

Your friend in baseball,


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I Talk To Jarrett About His Fantasy Woes and the New GM of The ‘Peckers

Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on setting the record for fewest points ever in the history of all fantasy football leagues. If this were golf, I would strongly recommend you sell your clubs and take up tennis. It is not golf though, so you have to keep playing, hoping last week’s disaster was an anomaly. However, you already have two players that underperformed in the Thursday night game, so you might want to think about changing your team name to PARADISE LOST. Excuse me if I sound a little bitter, but you let my division rival, Jimmy’s Stuck, off the hook. Sigh, let’s just look forward, shall we?

I bet Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] was in a much better mood at the office this week since his team finally had a strong winning performance. Maybe it is now a good time to inquire about my authorship of the 66ers’ Twitter page. His good mood might not be lasting much long as this week he plays the probable best team in the league, Mr. Miracle. I am apprehensive that my good fortune will end this week as I play Kevin Shaw’s Merry Band of Convicted Felons.

Hey did your hear that Steve Pelle [Former Assistant Genera Manager; IE 66ers] is now the general manager of the Fayetteville Woodpeckers? The ‘Peckers are the reason the missive writing thing went BIG TIME. I wrote them years ago, imploring them to change their name to the Peckerheads because who wants to support a red-cockaded woodpecker? I became very tight with that organization when I created the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” motto that a local t-shirt shop printed. I tore up that stadium in its inaugural season, bring my Cactus League crew there for a game in a luxury suite. Little Bads was there also, but there were no incidents with security. The night ended with one of my buddies getting attacked by a pack of dogs at the train station.

Steve Pelle [General Manager; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] will be running with some bigs dogs in the Low A East as that is the land of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks], Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], and Allan Lawrence [General Manager; Salem Red Sox]. Steve will be rubbing elbows with some minor league royalty, plus Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] is gainfully employed in that league. I bet he will be impressed when he hears I am in first place in the 66ers fantasy football league. I should write him quickly in case my team starts to slide. As you know, future success in fantasy football can be elusive.

Anywhere there is playoff baseball on all day to day, and beer that needs to be iced. The morning rain set my schedule back a bit. Did you guys perform a tarp pull to remain physically fit and mentally sharp? I might have sprained my arch in my right foot doing a plank today. 

Your friend in baseball,


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The Emeralds and I Converse about Golf Polos and Season Tickets

Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds and Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

It seems just like two weeks ago we were playing golf together in one of my most enjoyable rounds of the year. I would like to thank you for the company on that enjoyable day, and inform you that while you might possibly be enjoying some well deserved down time, I have been very busy because the 2022 season really is not that far away. You might have heard that I have started a new endeavor: designing golf polos with MiLB logos, which are sure to be a smashing success in team stores throughout MiLB. Here is the inland Empire 66ers’ polo that has already won the hearts and minds of MiLB front offices and country club pro shops across the land: 


Because I am a giver and grew quite fond of the Emeralds in 2021, I sort of designed one for your organization so Allan does not look like a damn hobo on the links. Can someone take away his puffy sweater vest?

ems golf polo.jpeg

Imagine the Squatch logo on the right sleeve, and a formal Emeralds logo on the left breast. You should get Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer and Game Day Director; Eugene Emeralds] on this right away. I have noticed that since your most recent rebrand, your formal logos appear to be non-existent. 
Look, your organization is poised to be building a new stadium, which means recruiting a season ticket base that has financial capital behind them. I understand that “season ticket holders” is an unpleasant phrase in the Emerald Valley, but a new stadium offers new opportunity to recruit wealth to your stadium. Wealth enjoys flexing its status, and season tickets at a brand new stadium is a way to do that. You have a five year honeymoon period once the stadium is complete, but the time to start recruiting the country club crowd is now, and a sharp polo is a good first step. A good follow up step is to promise them first dibs on seats at the new stadium.

You should probably bring in a season ticket director from out of state to bring a sense of credibility and mystique — a guy who is at ease taking season ticket packages with semi-strangers in just a towel in posh locker rooms, but can also howl back at the night in the common voice when required. Most importantly, a man who has the tools and skillset to work remotely while wooing the Emerald Valley. What do you really have to lose?

I know you are thinking, “Bads85, we concentrate on group sales. Picnics, church groups, corporate parties, whoever will buy tickets in blocks of fifty or more on a Wednesday night. Season ticket holders are an inflexible pain in the ass, especially the old crabby ones.” Sure, you have a valid point, but how did group sales work out for you in the COVID era? While we can hope for a return to normalcy in MuLB next season, the world has changed. People are no longer content to go to a group event with Creepy Bob in accounting, or Tipsy Susie who cannot handle her booze, but tries to drink like a sailor and seduce the handsome, young intern. A strong, wealthy season ticket base offers financial security. Picnic people desire chicken; the country club crowd demands filet mignon, and do not blink an eye at the price, except for Cheap Charlie who inherited his membership.

Anyway, I need to soak my bones in the hot tub. I started trying to get back in shape for the Cactus League next spring, and my body is rebelling.

Your friend in baseball,Bads85

PS: Green beer for Thirsty Thursdays in April!

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Jarret and I Talk Fantasy Football

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Hello Commish! It was good to see you at the Inland Empire 66ers’ Season Ticket Holder Barbecue this week. Since you were busy providing excellent service to ardent fan base who has not seen their team in the playoffs since 2014, I did not have a chance to ask you a pressing question: What is the bet payout schedule in this fantasy football league of yours? As the minor league baseball world knows, I soundly defeated Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] in Week 2 of the season. I do believe my winnings are:

1.     The go ahead to design a 66ers’ golf polo that people alive in this century will flock to buy.

2.     The go ahead to design new 66ers’ shot glasses, even though the old ones are fantastic because variety is the spice of life.

3.     I get to run the 66ers’ Twitter account, which is what MiLB front offices across the nation have been excited about since the bet was announced.

I was not around last week to collect my bet because I was riding with the wolf pack of the Eugene Emeralds in Spokane, Washington — literally. We riding electric scooters throughout town, pursuing drinking establishment that stayed open past midnight. All I could think about was head trauma if I wiped out, but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] led us safely through the nights. I finished the MiLB season in Las Vegas, where Little Bads once again had issues for security, but we will save that story for another time.

Hey, did you know that the Spokane Indians have a disco light in their front office? I promised I would not share any trade secrets, but they turn it on when someone completes a sale. Something like that would do wonders to improve morale in your office space. The Indians averaged about 5,200 a game in 2019, so they know a few things about selling tickets. They do not have any full-service bars in their stadium though, which in the year 2021, is very primitive. They also do not have an acceptable scoreboard. Yes, the rumor is true that I sorted trash in their compost corner. I will have you know I was compensated with copious amounts of draft beer.

But I digress. How is GM Joe doing these days? He still seemed a bit shaken from his bitter defeat to me. It had to be tough knowing that the eyes of front offices around the land were eagerly following the outcome, and I know of a few upper management types in the Pacific Northwest that were actively rooting for me, which had to sting a bit also. Fortunately for him he bounced back in Week 3 – oh wait, he did not, but at least he scored over 100 points. He keeps saying he will see me in the playoffs, but we play each other again the regular season the weekend of December 6th, which concludes on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, which may or may not be symbolic by then. Joe’s team might already be a sunken battleship by then – mine too for that matter. The goddess of Fantasy Football is a fickle mistress.

I play the formidable Sean Peterson [Director of Ticket Operations and Sales] this week. I am very nervous about this match up because despite my team being the only undefeated team in our league, it has been greatly underperforming. I might have to make some trades to bolster my roster. I see you have only three running backs on your roster, which is rather thin. You might want to make me an offer. I think the most important thing about this Sunday is that my bar will be open for any league owners and family who want to stop by.

My social calendar for October is pretty full, so this is one of the few weekends this month it will be open. Next week I will be venturing to SoFi Stadium to see my beloved Browns. Hopefully, I will not be overserved like another league owner who shall remain unnamed earlier this season. The following weekend I will be traveling to Boise to watch football and blue turf, and Halloween weekend, I will be at the Arizona Fall League. You should see if Joe Hudson wants to do a group building activity at the Arizona Fall League that weekend. If not, all league owners are welcome to join my rather savage crew for some fall baseball. We are planning to see four games in three days.

Anyway, it is chow time, and fat people like me need to eat. I am having a salad because I am pretending to be conscious about my weight. Yum Yum. Pass the ranch dressing.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: What is Sean willing to bet?

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I Continue Correspondence With Kyle

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Truth be told, the final game of the last road trip of the 2021 season was a bit anti-climatic. Sure Las Vegas Stadium might be the most aesthetically pleasing park in the minor leagues, but it is still part of the Taxi Squad League, and Triple A Baseball just ain’t got no soul. Yes, nothing could really compare to the three wondrous nights in Spokane at Avista Stadium with your incredible staff, but let’s just say the intensity at the Vegas ballpark was a bit lacking. In fact, the most excitement happened the next day when I went back to the stadium to take some pictures since my phone died the night before. 

When my son and I arrived at the ballpark at two in the afternoon, we immediately noticed an open gate, so we approached thinking we could get to the concourse to get some pictures, but the three teenaged security guards assigned to the gate five hours before game adamantly refused to let us in. When I turned on my diplomacy skills that have enabled me to be one of MiLB’s greatest ambassadors, they became outright hostile.

I was not about to be denied, so we searched for other open gates. We found two other open gates, and five other security guards, which made me think the Las Vegas Aviators must be doing very well this season if they can afford to pay seven security guards to man the gates five hours before game time when they could have just locked the gate. At the back of the stadium, we found another open gate, and this one had no security blocking the way, so in we went.

At this point, I need to preface that my son, Little Bads, was first chased by stadium at the tender age of two at San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers.. It was a late season Saturday night game, and we were sitting a couple of rows behind the 66er’s bullpen. We didn’t have season tickets yet; that would come a few years later. The weather was wild that night; monsoon season was upon The Dino. The wind was howling, and the Devil was in the air as storm clouds blanketed the mountains on the horizon. Like many Saturday nights at San Manuel Stadium, the stands were filled with a drinking crowd.

Throughout the game, Little Bads and his older sister pleaded for the 66ers’ pitchers to toss them a ball. The pitchers did not oblige because California League rules explicitly prohibited that. Because my kids were so damn cute and charismatic, complete strangers in our section we getting in on the act. By time the game was drawing to a close, much of the stadium was paying more attention to what was going on by the bullpen rather than the game.

The game eventually ended with a 66ers’ win and no ball being handed out, but the most of the crowd stuck around because there was a promotion in which a diamond rind had been buried in the infield, and 3000+ women had been handed little shovels to dig up the infield to find the ring. The women we lined up on the left field concourse behind us, Mrs. Bads and I were packing up the kids stuff (well, I was finishing my beer) when we heard an enormous cheer.

We looked up, and Little Bads had snuck into the bullpen, and had taken a ball out of the bullpen bag. When my son heard the roar of the crowd, his expression was priceless. He knew he was busted, and THE MAN would be coming for him shortly. He chose flight, and darted towards second base. By this time my wife and I were both alarmed and embarrassed as security made his way towards him. As the circle tightened, Little Bads tucked a shoulder and tried to run through an enormous security guard. After the collision, the security guard scooped him up, and brought him to us.

After some chagrined apologies and thank yous, we left the stadium. The ball was nowhere to be seen, and we figured security had just confiscated it. When we arrived at the the car, Little Bads, who wasn’t really talking yet, reached into his pants, pulled out an official California League baseball, and shouted triumphantly, “Ball, Daddy, Ball!” I knew then I was raising an outlaw.

Well, that outlaw was by my side when we entered Las Vegas Stadium without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. We were almost immediately noticed, but we were in, and no one seemed to have stun guns, so we moved forward. When we were finally apprehended, I told them my name was Chris Duff, and I was the president to the Spokane Indians and would appreciate some professional courtesy. 

I did not really say that because I was incapable of thinking that fast on my feet after three days of hard drinking with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]’s band of merry men (except for that one loud guy). My son offered some kind of weak story about needing some pictures for an economics project, and security relaxed.

Like I said, things in Vegas just did not live up to Spokane. I hear there are pictures circulating of me working in your compost corner, with double gloves and all. If you run across them, I would appreciate if you could send them my wife because my wife really does not believe I worked the line with the Spokane Indians.

Your friend in baseball,


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I Respond to Kyle

Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Thank you for the best response I have ever received from a minor league front office executive. I do think you misunderstand one important matter though. As one of the most prolific minor league baseball ambassadors, I do not take sides in post season matchups, except when my beloved Inland Empire 66ers qualify for the post season, which has not happened in seven years.

I am like Switzerland, except with F-16 nuclear strike capability (figuratively speaking of course. Having a real F-16 would probably violate your stringent “No Weapons” policy). I like to think of myself as a representative of all of the High A West organizations, except for the Hillsboro Hops because of the poor turf conditions at Tonka Truck Field, and that team in Pasco with disgusting logo that looks like something left in an airport toilet. While I may shoplift Emeralds’ gear from their team store, my rooting loyalties are not partisan – unless I am drinking on Allan Benavides’ tab.

Please allow me a quick request before I continue with my response. It would be a TOTAL BOSS move if you allowed me to throw out a ceremonial first pitch in one of the games this week, The shock on Allan’s face would ignite social media. I apologize for the late request, but I did reach out to one of your staff last week. She probably thought I was some sort of a loon as I used my personal email. I promise I will not drill your mascot with my pitch.

Thank you for answering my questions, especially the diaper bag one. I will make sure the Ems’ staff does not try to bring in an unmanufactured diaper bag. I am sure you will feel better knowing that I left the small xylophone at home because airport security is usually suspicious of a grown ass man having a small xylophone in his computer bag. I will have you know I would have had no problem getting it past security though as I am an outlaw.

I have three children, all grown. My youngest works for the 66ers. Some children grow up to attend Ivy League schools. My son gets to dress up as bacon for the Hotdog Launch, meaning I win at parenting. I do not know what Joe Hudson [General Manager; IE 66ers] will do next year when my son leaves for college – probably hire a replacement at a lower wage.

I am not an Oregon Ducks’ fan, which means our similarity score continues to rise. I do think you are being unduly harsh in regards to Allan’s face. Sure he does not have any chiseled jawline, but it is a face of a man you can trust… to pull a prank on you at any given moment.

Kyle, Happy Hour always deserves further explanation. That is a rookie mistake. If we are going to be having drinks together, do not be a Newb in High A Ball. Does your Happy Hour include a full service bar? If so, how high does the top shelf go? Do you have beers on tap, or do we have to drink beer out of cans like savages? Are there snacks? Say like pretzels?

I am willing to have an open mind about Recycleman, mainly because he is bigger than me. Compost Corner sounds like an ecological disaster in Pasco though. As yes, I beat Mr. Hudson in fantasy football this week. It was a nail biter that went down to Monday night. Had his tight end caught five touchdown passes and my running back fumbled fourteen times, he might have pulled with ten points of me. Instead, I won by about seventy points.

Anyway, the plane is supposed to land soon. I look forward to meeting you soon. I do have one last question. Is your stadium in Spokane or Spokane Valley? There seems to be some confusion.

Your friend in baseball,


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I Make Friends with Another GM

Dear Kyle Day [General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

Good day, Sir. I will be traveling from Southern California to your somewhat famous stadium next week to wake in the High A West Championship Series in all its splendor. I was perusing your organization’s website as part of my exhaustive planning (as one of minor league baseball’s top ambassadors, I certainly understand the importance of logistics), and I have a few questions about your stadium rules. I do not want to get off on the wrong foot due to a simple misunderstanding.

  1. Just what is a manufactured diaper bag? I suppose I should be asking what is an unmanufactured diaper bag? I ask because I will be joining the Eugene Emeralds’ front office contingent making the trip, and fecal incontinence is no laughing matter when traveling with unfamiliar groups of people. It is all fun and games until someone shits their pants.
  2. What exactly is a clear bag? Say I take a one gallon freezer bag and put Squatch stickers all over it to help promote the Emeralds’ brand is that okay? I swear their will not be a flask of Knob Creek Maple Bourbon in there that would be passed around our section. 
  3. Is a small xylophone considered an “excessive noisemaker”? If so, it will not be in the Squatch bag either.
  4. How do you define visibly obscene images? Is that not a judgment in the eye of the beholder thing? Say like with a San Francisco Giants’ logo, which most sane people find extremely offensive. However, there is a batshit crazy element of the human dregs on this planet who not only embrace the team, but proudly wear the logo. Same with the Hillsboro Hops. The mayor of that city actively campaigns against the Beer Batter. I guess what I am asking is who polices the police here?
  5. This is a very important question considering with whom I traveling. Will there be a Happy Hour for the playoff games?
  6. If all your tickets are digital, what is the need for Will Call?
  7. Does your mascot Recycle Man know that most recycled plastic end up dumped in the Pacific Ocean? If so, does he feel like a fraud?

Hey, I know this is your first High A Championship Series, so as a grizzled veteran of the California League I can help you progress on the learning curve. You see, Kyle, I am a giver. In case you do not know, it is common courtesy in High A ball to offer the visiting team’s front office staff a luxury suite for the playoffs. It is also customary for the home team to host the late night parties after the games. I know Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] would return the favor to your staff if the Ems’ were allowed to have home games in this series.

Another tradition in the High A post season is to invite minor league ambassadors like myself into your office for a tall bourbon. We can take a picture that will make Allan and Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] insanely jealous. It is rather cute how the constantly vie for my attention. I am sure you have heard by now that I am in the 66ers’ front office fantasy league and face Mr. Hudson this weekend in head to head competition. An immense amount of spiritual wealth is on the line in form of a wager.

Speaking of wagers, it is a High A Championship tradition that opposing GMs make some sort of bet also, something that usually represents each organization’s city. I am not sure what Spokane has to offer beyond property crime, but I bet you do. Speaking from experience here, you might want to refrain from betting interns because of the stickiness of current human trafficking laws. 

If you have any further questions, feel free to reach out to me before my arrival on Tuesday. I am sure the inaugural High A West Championship Series will be one for the ages.

Your friend in baseball,


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I Send an Inquiry to the Spokane Indians

Dear Gina Giesseman [Partner Service Coordinator; Spokane Indians]:

Hello! I am very excited to be traveling from Southern California for the High A West Championship next week. The last time I was in Spokane, I witnessed a gun battle between local law enforcement officers and some ruffians at a McDonald’s, which sort of soured my view of the city, and the Quarter Pounder with Cheese I had been eating. I have been assured by reputable people that Spokane is a wonderful city, so I am hoping to symbolically cleanse my palate with this trip.

I will be meeting a contingent of the Eugene Emeralds’ front office. You see, I write baseball humor pieces for them because Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is a man of great taste and vision, and thinks my pieces are funny. Well, he used to when he bothered to read them. He does not read them anymore because he is a busy man trying to secure a new stadium for the Emeralds. He just gives me free reign about what I write because our relationship was founded on a deep trust, although I have to be careful what I say to local politicians, especially Eugene Mayor Lucy Vinis.

I have a special request I hope you can help me with. I would like to throw out a ceremonial first pitch before one of the first three games of the series. I have great practice at this as I have thrown out first pitches for the Inland Empire 66ers, Down East Wood Ducks, Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Eugene Emeralds, and probably a couple or teams I am forgetting. I am one of Minor League Baseball’s greatest ambassadors and travel from park to park across the land. You might have heard of me as I am kind of a big deal on certain minor league circuits. Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] gave me a stack of official business cards to solidify my credentials. 

I am asking to throw out the first pitch because the Emeralds’ front office staff wuld be quite astounded if suddenly Bads85 was on the field tossing the rawhide to the catcher. I am trying to convince the staff that they need to expand their brand beyond Lane County, Oregon, but provincialism often takes time to overcome. Tossing out the first pitch would expedite matters greatly. I promise I will not drill the mascot, or launch a ball into the stands as I respect the game too much for those shenanigans, plus I am too old to outrun stadium security these days.

You might be asking what is in this for my organization, and the answer is my eternal gratitude, which is essentially priceless. Also, this will be all over social media outlets, so the Spokane Indians will be getting free facetime with the one and only Bads85. You may have heard that I am poised to become the dude in charge of the Inland Empire 66ers Twitter account once my fantasy football team defeats Joe Hudson’s team this week in one of the most anticipated matchups in, well, forever.

Having me throw out the first pitch would be quite the coup your organization. Just ask Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] what can happen if I throw out a first pitch. He was just a general manager before I traveled to Kinston, North Carolina. Now he is a minor deity.

I have also been known to raise money for the charities of organizations I favor. For example, I raised $1,900 in twenty-four hours for an Ems’ charity this summer. Since we are at the season’s end, I cannot do much for your organization at this time, but Sandpoint, Idaho is one of my target retirement spots, so who know what can happen down the road. Your organization could play a big part in my retirement plans. I hope the restrooms in Avista Stadium are spotless next week.

I hope to see you next week. If I have a flask in my hand, someone else from my group brought it in.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: Did I mention I bleed Dodger Blue?

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I Talk to Allan About Our Upcoming Trip

Dear Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

By now you have certainly heard the news that shook the foundation of Minor League Baseball:  I am playing in the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league, and this week I play Joe Hudson [General Manager and two time Cal League Executive of the Year]. Much is at stake as Mr. Hudson is rumored to be a degenerate gambler, and he put a great deal of spiritual wealth on the line with a wager that his anemic team will score more points than my juggernaut team designed to steal my opponents’ souls. If his team wins, I must wear the bacon costume from the hot dog launch to work. If I win, I get to design new golf polos to be sold in the Team Store, plus I will be in charge of the 66ers’ Twitter account. 

Yes, you read that correctly. Bads85 could be in charge of a MiLB Twitter account as early as next Tuesday. As you well know, this will change the face of social media in MiLB. Right now, there are quite a few sports management and mass communication grads that are whimpering in a fetal position in a dark room somewhere as they know there could be a new sheriff in town.

This missive is not entirely about me, however. It is about our great journey to Spokane next week for the High A West Championship Series. Rumor is that your are bringing much of your front office staff in a brisk seven hour dash across the wasteland of rural Washington. While I am excited to see your wonderful staff again. I must ask, “Are they emotionally ready for a High A Championship Series?” This is not some cuddly short season playoff matchup in which there are friendly mascot wars; LIVES ARE IN THE BALANCE next week. There are two types of fans in the High A Playoffs: the Quick and the Dead.  Fortunately, I will be there for your staff because I am riding this train all the way to the end. 

We should probably go over some basic ground rules to share with your staff:

  1. If the stadium has an organist, no applauding when she pauses. 
  2. No one should be asking for receipts to take to their IRS audit.
  3. No paper towels in public toilets.
  4. No tapping stemware to see if it rings.
  5. Don’t ask what your country can do for you.
  6. Don’t leave long messages on voice mails.
  7. Don’t ask people how they got their limp.
  8. Don’t bite into a stadium delicacy, then say, “All the taste of butter without the calories.”
  9. Don’t forget to sign your Christmas cards.
  10. Don’t belabor a point,
  11. Don’t belabor a point. 

You might be thinking, “Wow, Bads85. That is a great deal of mandates I thought you were footloose and fancy free, not some road trip control freak.” Let me remind you we live in a society, and societies have rules. 

Anyway, I don’t have any really good looking, official looking Emeralds’ gear, just the stuff you guys sell at your hide a bed team shop. Maybe you could find a coupe nice polos around your office and bring them to Spokane so I don’t look like an unkempt slob. I, of course, will reimburse you for this expense. I am sure my Blockbuster video card is a fine way to settle any debts with you.

I need to get some sleep. I have a big weekend in store, plus I need to prepare some Tweets to release shortly after my impending victory.

Your friend in baseball,


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