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I Talk To Jarrett About Thirsty Thursday


Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

I bet you do not want to talk fantasy football this week after your team once again failed to score ninety points, and as a result was soundly trounced by your boss, Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]. I understand your pain. Well, I really do not because while I have had some bad teams in certain leagues before, I have never had any roster resembling yours, but we will not talk about that any more… until next week.

Hey, if you ever hear Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] walking around the office saying, “When will Bads85 retire so he can come be our Director of Promotions?”, tell him the answer is sooner than later. In fact, everything is negotiable. I am sure we could reach an agreement that would allow me to assume the position as early as next week.  I am pretty sure Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] says something similar, but he doesn’t even have a stadium to offer me a permanent office, nor does he let me run his organization’s Twitter account.

One of my first responsibilities Director of Promotions would be to restore Thirsty Thursday to its former splendor. Let’s have a REAL TALK right now. The special connection between the fans and Thirsty Thursday has been lost for a myriad of reasons, and this can be seen with the three-year attendance trend on Thursdays. We do not have time to point fingers of blame, but only move forward.

We must re-establish the emotional connection between the fans and this special day, and since upper management will probably frown upon slashing beer prices, we need to flood our social media platforms of pictures of 66ers’ fans having a wonderful time on Thursdays at San Manuel Stadium. We probably should avoid using our season ticket holders because almost all of them besides myself are not very photogenic because of their genetics.

Breaking news – the Hillsboro Hops just informed me that Thirsty Thursdays are even necessary. What does that even mean? I didn’t wake up thinking that I would enter in a Twitter war over Thirsty Thursday with the Hillsboro Hops, but here we are on the precipice, as I contemplate sending them a clown shoes image. I mean, just get the bulldozers and wrecking balls in motion and knock Tonka Truck Field into Washington state. Better yet, we should just nuke it from orbit because the lifeforms around the place must be warped beyond saving.

But enough talk about the numbnuts of the north. We have Thirsty Thursday to reinvigorate, and we must attract THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE to do that. As you must certainly know, the 66ers only have one Thirsty Thursday in April — the 21st. Sure we could curse the schedule makers for this bitter fate, but that is counter productive. We need to make this a social even that people will talk through May. We need to couple this Thirsty Thursday with another promotion — maybe a Thirsty Thursday hat giveaway. Maybe something that involves fire or loud bangs. Not too good though, or will will attract the Nitro circus zombie crowd.

Anyway, I have to go work out because the Director of Promotions has to be in better shape than my pathetic body right now. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Talk To Allan About the New Alex and Twitter


Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello GOOD FRIEND! Sorry I have not been in contact over the last couple of weeks, but I have been quite busy jaunting off to the Arizona Fall League and running the Inland Empire 66ers’ Twitter account. I have been so preoccupied that my golf game has suffered to the point in which I can feel how the game must feel for you. You are stronger than I imagined, carrying that pain around the links.

I see you have hired a replacement for Alex Stimsom [Former Whatever He Was; Eugene Emeralds] — literally a NEW ALEX. Can I have this Alex Naveja’s official Emeralds’ email address? I think I should reach out and welcome him to Minor League baseball. Does he have all of the old Alex’s job responsibilities? I could give him a few tips on how to run the Ems’ Twitter account now that I am a grizzled veteran in MiLB social media platforms. It is quite the story really. Who knew that that skinny kid from Cleveland, Ohio would grow up to win control of a minor league baseball team’s Twitter account through a fantasy football bet?

The only downside so far has been listening to other clubs whine and moan about the baseball season being so far away. I want say, “Shut and and plan those promotions! Group sales might be slow coming back in 2021, so you are going to have to embrace the old fashioned way of getting asses in the seats. I know they did not teach your that in your sports management classes, but your brand ain’t shit unless you have people coming through those gates. Give the people what they want: a chance to TOUCH THE NIGHT.” I don’t say anything though; I just quietly plan THE REVOLUTION with independent teams.

I must admit I was a little hurt that you did not consult me about who would be Stimson’s replacement, but then I realized you were probably shielding me from the pain of his departure. Yes, a clean break is the best avenue, which is why you should update your front office staff page and get his name and smiling face off there. He is not coming back through those doors at PK Park anytime soon — as an Ems’ employee anyway. Did he have to sign a non-disclosure clause when he left?

Hey, did you see the Hillsboro Hops admitted they do not like the Beer Batter on Twitter? How are those clowns even still in the league? I have it it on very good authority that certain Low A West executives were upset enough to drive to Tonka Truck Field to torch the place (figuratively speaking of course since arson is one of those things that is frowned upon in this society), but then they were informed that Hillsboro is even further than my mad dash last summer, so we all went out for tacos — well, most of us. We didn’t tell that one guy because he always brings up that time he had backstage passes to a Nelson concert.

Are you coming to Southern California for the holidays? Perhaps you can bring my 2021 Eugene Emeralds Championship gear with you sine the postman hates your office (you know who does not hate your office — the donut delivery guy). We can get together and throw back some shots of Jim Beam like wizened minor league executives do when they have not seen each other in a while. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Talk to Poor Jarret About His Lousy Fantasy Team and Christmas Lights


Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

It is Mister Miracle’s World, and we are just living in it – well, at least in fantasy football. For all I know, he might live in a cardboard box behind the scrapyard. He is killing the league and crushed me this week because Joe Burrow played like an anemic infant in the Battle of Ohio this weekend. Hey, I have a pointer for you though. Cut your team and pick up random guys on the waiver wire without even looking to see who they are. Maybe then you could break 100 points a week. You might win this week while scoring less than ninety points, but you are playing a guy whose starting defense has a bye, which actually hurt you because his other defense had negative points. I really should not talk because my team is floundering, and Jimmy’s Stuck has passed me for the division lead

But enough talk about fantasy football. What is the word on the street about the Inland Empire 66ers’ revamped Twitter feed? Hs there been a sudden spike in merchandise sales? I think we have over a hundred new followers since that new guy took over posting duties. Some new friends have been made in the independent leagues, but the affiliated teams’ reaction have been a bit tepid, probably because they still resent us for being beautiful. Of course, most teams really are not cranking out quality content on Twitter during November because Christmas decorations are on everyone’s mind.

It looks like our old friend, Steve Pelle [General Manager; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] has some sort of light show gala extravaganza for charity going down at Segra Stadium soon. Local businesses can sponsor Christmas trees in a tree decorating contest to raise money for charities. It is too bad that the local environment around San Manuel Stadium will not allow the 66ers to do that, but let’s face it, the “G” Street hobos are not exactly merry gentlemen. Maybe we could have a tree decorating contest on Joe Hudson’s front lawn as he lives in a safe, high foot traffic area, and we all know Joe is filled with the holiday spirit. I would volunteer my lawn, but I have close to forty inflatables, including a new Millennium Falcon that should nicely complement my R2-D2 with Santa hat in a X-Wing. I would ask Pelle more details about his event, but his team website is not listing his email address yet. If you know it, I would appreciate it if you could send it my way so I could surprise Steve and the ‘Peckers with some holiday cheer.

I have been working with certain other teams on developing mascot holiday inflatables, and I have noticed that certain artistic representations of our Bernie make him appear soft. Bernie is an outlaw, not a plush toy. I think we should rectify this immediately with a slight makeover over the offseason. I mean we will not touch the costume because that costs big money, but we can make Bernie’s image a bit edgier to reflect his true spirit of the old soul mascot who has been around the block more than a few times. Maybe get him a fedora or a Viking helmet. I still think the “Mom” tattoo would work, but obviously upper management still disagrees.

Hey, did you know the Hillsboro Hops do not like the Beer Batter? I mean, what the hell is wrong with them? I wonder if they kick little bunnies also. Or put ketchup on vanilla ice cream. Or make their parents pay for dinner at the Golden Corral.  Not liking the Beer Batter is some real comic book villain stuff, like when the Joker gave that poisoned cotton candy to those Cub Scouts. I wonder what other skeletons are buried underneath their poorly maintained artificial turf field.

Anyway, I am taking trade offers in all my fantasy leagues because my teams are sputtering – not as bad as yours that has been dead in the water for weeks now, but still underperforming.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Talk To Patrick About the Importance of Donuts


Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Pardon my delay in responding. Contrary to vicious rumors that have been circulating, the news of Alex Stimson [former Media Relations, Eugene Emeralds] leaving the organization did not put me in the fetal position, listening to GnR’s “Cold November Rain” on an endless loop. Grizzled minor league veterans realize that personnel departures are just the nature of the profession, and everyone continues to march forward because TOUCHING THE NIGHT waits for no one (you should advocate that Stimson’s name be removed from the team website and your contact information be put back on). I have been very busy with other MiLB endeavors, including running the Twitter account of a certain MiLB organization, plus the golf polo designs, a college football road trip to Boise, and other things that really should not be discussed outside of a dark bar.

During the time between our missives, I did design a season ticket plan that targets the country club crowd who have no qualms spending copious amounts of money at the ballpark of expensive booze. This plan would involve myself formally working with the Emeralds in a remote fashion, preferably with a national membership at Eugene Country Club. When I presented it to Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds], he responded with an encouraging, “Fuck off, Bads85!” which is code for “Abracadabra! Make some magic happen!” Last time he told me that, I raised $1900.00 for his pet charity in twenty-four hours, mostly while sleeping as a quite mad hockey analyst drove to Eugene through the dark California night. I am sure he will come around completely soon, especially with a little prodding.

You mentioned that the Emeralds’ employ the democratic method in the front office when shaping promotions. I have found that voting in MiLB front offices is greatly influenced by donuts. A Boston Kreme or Maple Glaze can move mountains in terms of a co-worker’s opinion. I am sure a couple of you comrades cannot be bribed with a donut, but I am sure we can get Anne Cullane [Director of Community Relations] on our side in The Hulk versus Squatch cage match idea if we promote Sluggo joining Doctor Strange in some psychedelic promotion night (get that Dead tribute band back at PK Park). Once Anne is on our side, Grumpy Allan and Pragmatic Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager] will probably be the only ones who need convincing, and the chocolate sprinkles should get Allan to relax.

Anything new on the promotions front beyond the Marvel Entertainment deal? Word on the street is that the Danville Otterbots have a flame thrower. I have yet to confirm that from a reputable source, bit how cool would it be to have one of those a PK Park? If you supply enough donuts to the front office, I bet they would vote to let you have flame thrower duties. Get some interns to make paper mache’ facsimiles of the opposing team’s mascots, and GO TO TOWN. If you melt a little turf, or set the outfield wall on fire, who cares? The Ems are getting evicted from PK Park anyway. Do not burn the intern though because the paperwork is fierce when that happens. Ask me how I know!

Anyway, I have to pack for the big Arizona Fall League trip this weekend. As always, I am confused about what I should wear. Unfortunately, the Ems have not released their 2021 Championship gear yet, so the struggle is real. Check the 66ers’ Twitter feed for live updates from the road.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Talk To Allan About a Job Opportunity


Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

I see you are searching to hire an Account Executive; Ticket Sales, and that person’s number one job responsibility is to generate revenue through season ticket sales. I am glad to see that you are investing in building a season ticket base, no doubt a result of my last missive, which was a while ago. I must admit I was initially a bit hurt that you did not reach out to me personally to offer me the job. After all, we shared a hotel room on the road together. However, my son, a grizzled minor league baseball employee, informed me that you probably did not think I was interested in such a position. Well, Allan, it is time for me to embrace the next chapter in my profession journey, so I am officially announcing myself as a candidate.

Before we talk hard numbers, let’s take some time to reacquaint ourselves with each other. Spokane was quite sometime ago. How has life been treating you? I bet you have been busy designing those championship rings (I will send you my ring size). As you have probably heard, I have been very busy since MiLB announced its partnership with Marvel Entertainment. I have also been tearing up the Inland Empire 66ers’ fantasy football league because I am a winner. Joe Hudson [General Manager; IE 66ers] has the potential to have the worst team in fantasy football history. I fear he is a broken man at this point. Maybe you should fly down to visit him. We can play golf and make him whole again.

I know you are probably thinking more about me working with you than Joe Hudson’s fragile psyche, and so let’s talk about me selling season tickets. All I need is an official Eugene Emeralds email address and a health plan, and much of Eugene will have 2022 season tickets as stocking stuffers this year. I do not have to live in the Eugene area to successfully cold call prospective customers, especially since most initial contacts will be through electronic missives, which the cool cats these day call “emails”. For instance an initial correspondence might look something like this:

Dear Rich Spurlin [General Manager; Eugene Country Club]:

I had the immense pleasure of playing your fine course this past summer, and it was a highlight in a wonderful year for golf at places like Sawgrass, Harbourtown, and Couer d’Alene. As the newly appointed Season Ticket Director of the Eugene Emeralds, I would like to extend a person invitation to you and your members to become a season ticket holder of the Eugene Emeralds. As you have probably heard, our organization is in the process of constructing a new, state of the art baseball stadium, and all season ticket holders will have first rights to purchase season tickets… blah blah blah, add something about how you, Allan Benavides {General Manager; Eugene Emeralsds} should take up tennis because your slice in incurable, blah blah. Perhaps we can meet on the links to discuss this.

Your friend in golf (and baseball)

Bads85

I know you are thinking, “Bads85, quit fucking with me! You are so overqualified to be an Account Executive, and you really don’t want this position. I cannot afford to pay you what you deserve, plus I need some on game days.”

Allan, my good friend, compensation is always negotiable, as are job responsibilities. Strong minds can find common ground, especially when we live in a glorious time in which technology allows us to bridge vast distances. Besides, what do you have to lose by letting me officially pursue season tickets accounts through an official Emeralds’ account? I promise I will not use it to contact the Myrtle Beach Pelicans… unless you tell me to do so.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: When will the championship merchandise be released?Modify message

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I Have A Hard Talk With Jarrett About His Shitty Fantasy Team


Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Have you ever thought of pursuing bowling as a hobby instead of fantasy football? This week was your fourth loss in a row, and your margin of defeat was so large that as the Monday night game waned, I was rooting for your wide receiver to start making catches, even though you were my opponent. Look at the bright side though: your team has scored more points than Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]’s. You are also third in the waiver wire, so you can bolster your team to stave off Hudson, who might be inactive by now (he has only made one transaction all year).

Sorry I have not been communicating much recently, but ever since MiLB announced its partnership with Marvel Entertainment, my creative services have been in demand. I did have an idea for the 66ers: Knocker Ball with Joe Hudson vs. Marvel’s Captain America. Joe is the Inland Empire’s version for Captain America, so a cage match between the two should bolster attendance and the coffers of the 66ers’ charities. Do the 66ers have a Director of Promotions for next year? Should I throw my hat in the ring for the position? Rumor has it that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is looking for a Director of Season Ticket sales, but I would rather stay local.

Hey, when is Hudson going to pay off his bet to me? Have the golf polos been ordered? There has not been a tweet on the 66er’s Twitter account since September 15th, and that was not even an original tweet. Do you know how many Bernie pics I could have tweeted by now? Turn Bads85 loose! If word gets out around MiLB that Hudson does not pay his bets, well, that could get dark. Real dark.

Are you stoked for the Nitro Circus on November 19th? I am not, but will probably go anyway because any excuse to go the ballpark after the Arizona Fall League works for me, plus Little Bads is going to work it. Of course, it the Aguilas de Mexicali are home that weekend, I might go there instead. Life is open choices. Some doors open. Some doors close. Some doors have security cameras and should be avoided.

Are you going to be at the 66ers’ World Series party tonight? I sure hope so because no one from my crew is going now. Sigh, I had such high hopes for this group. Perhaps I need to start looking for recruits that are more dedicated after summer’s end. I bet the local drunk tank is full of candidates.

Gotta run. You and Joe should have a big hug for emotional support since the fantasy football gods are so cruel to poor drafts.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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Graphic Design is My Life.. and Danny’s.


Dear Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer and Game Director; Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, Sir! The last time we were together, we were closing a hipster speakeasy in the wee hours of the morning in Spokane, and the Eugene Emeralds were on their way to a High A West Championship. We were slamming some Norwegian liqueur that really made my head throb the next morning. A couple of nights night prior, we were daredevils riding electric scooters to bars on the distant horizon. I will have you know you have become somewhat of a legend in certain Low A West front offices because of a circulating video of someone with your likeness finishing a Beer Bat with one long pull in the Spokane Indians’ front office.

I am writing you to compliment you on the design of the Emeralds’ new jerseys for next season. Both the Green Retro and the Script Home are CRISP. I was going to order one of each today, but I was wondering if some championship merchandise will be coming soon also. Let’s face it, the postman has a hard time leaving the Ems’ front office in a quick manner, so I do not want him to have to make too many trips. Did Allan Benavides [General Manager] tell you of my t-shirt idea? The shirt would have a picture of Squatch on an electric scooter with the caption “I Risked HEAD TRAUMA to Ride with the Emeralds on their 2021 Championship Run.” Even if Allan does not let you print them in large quantities to see to the masses, perhaps you can print a few for those who were there in Spokane that week. Just bill my account.

Speaking of designing things, I bet you are excited with MiLB’s partnership with Marvel Entertainment. You will probably be able to create some killer t-shirt designs of Squatch kicking The Hulk’s ass, or Iron Man stuffing the Spokane’s Indians’ Recycle Man into a blast furnace. Perhaps Doctor Strange can teach Sluggo some arcane arts. Maybe you can cook up something with Loki and Allan Benavides, sporting his sweater vest. Thanos obliterating Hillsboro has charming possibilities also.

I can hear All now muttering, “Jesus Christ, it is not even Halloween and, Bads85 wants us to push the trademark limits with Marvel Entertainment.” Well, Allan, we really are not pushing anything; your graphic designer is creating art. Marvel will probably be very impressed and want to pursue your graphic designer’s vision even further. The very worst thing they will do is send your organization a strongly worded cease an desist letter. Ask me how I know! I get those all the time.

Hey, maybe Marvel Entertainment would be interested in being a corporate sponsor for the Emeralds’ new stadium. If we started circulating that rumor now, it would probably drum up some season ticket sales. More importantly, pressure could be applied to fine folk at the Lane Events Center to get the ball rolling in terms of stadium land. After all, Iron Man and Captain America have more clout than Squatch and Sluggo… for now.

Anyway, I have to run for now. The Wichita Wind Surge just will not leave me alone. I hope to discuss future Marvel plans soon. Give Allan a hug for me. He seemed a little down in the news release today.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Talk To a Man About Squatch vs. The Hulk


Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions’ Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good man. The last time we saw in each other was that tearful good bye in the hotel in Spokane during the High A West Championship Series. Perhaps you were not crying, but I certainly was because my head was throbbing from a vicious hangover from that Norwegian liqueur I was pounding with your compatriots until two in the morning. I hope I was appropriately dressed at the time as things are still a bit fuzzy on my end from that morning. I do remember stumbling to a hobo encampment when I was trying to purchase a Powerball ticket, which undoubtedly jinxed my chances of winning.

Thank you for sending me that news release concerning MiLB’s new partnership with Marvel Entertainment. My immediate reaction was “Squatch vs The Hulk! Zajac has to make this happen!” I am sure you are already thinking of turning PK Park a giant WWE style event for one magical night this summer, but are concerned that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] will be a grumpy monkey, and say, “You know, I am not really sure we want that.” Believe me, I feel your apprehension. If I had a dollar for every promotion idea of mine that he has shot down, ground would already be broken on the Emeralds’ new stadium.

Squatch kicking The Hulk’s ass on a live stream is just what the Ems need to promote their brand nationally. Every kid in America is going to want a Squatch hat after The Hulk is disposed. You do not even have to worry about the outcome because pro wresting is fixed. Squatch will become so popular that you can put his image on pool toys, and Little Eric from Dothan, Alabama will demand that his mother buy him the Squatch on a Unicom pool inflatable. Eric’s mom might even get a Squatch Tattoo right above her “Rock of Dothan” tattoo.  Grown ass men will want Squatch decals for their golf carts.

I am sure there are some people in your front office that want Sluggo involved in this, and sure why not? You will need to fill the undercard with something. Sluggo versus Captain Underpants will certainly entertain the kids, maybe not as much as exploding dinosaurs, but we cannot always have ice cream for dinner. Yes, I know that Captain Underwear is not in the Marvel Universe (yet), but Sluggo just doesn’t have the cannons to take on an Avenger. Sluggo is going to have to stay in his lane on this one.

I know you are thinking, “But what about Allan? How are I am going to get him to sign off on this thing?” Well, do not mention my name for starters. He seems to think my visons are too bold to be practical. I think he is still bent about my constructive criticism about the lack of freshly squeezed lemonade at PK Park, plus I am a much better golfer than he is, despite his vanity handicap, which is sad because I am not very good at that frustrating endeavor. Just tell him he cannot have Grateful Dead tribute bands play every night, and that he needs to trust you. Tell him you heard the Kings of Leon want to play at the event.

This Marvel partnership is the gift that is going to keep on giving for many years. I look forward to collaborating with you in the future. I would share more today, but I have a flight to Boise to catch because Air Force vs. Boise State, only happens once a year. My presence has been requested at certain pre-game ceremonies and tail gates around town – and the after parties, oh how my liver quakes.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Get on this quick! I heard Spokane want to do Iron Man verses Recycle Man!

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I Talk To Kyle About Saving Cracker Jack


Dear Kyle Day {General Manager; Spokane Indians]:

I apologize for not being in touch for a while. As you have probably heard, I inadvertently became a golf polo designer for select MiLB clubs. It all started with the Inland Empire 66ers when I defeated their general manager in fantasy football in Week Two of the season and earned the spoils of victory and a piece of their general manager’s soul. The polo is so crisp that other organizations have been requesting my services. I even designed one the Spokane Indians as a token of appreciation for your hospitality a few weeks back, which was not easy considering the shade of blue of your team colors. That blue looks great on brick dust, but not so much on the country club scene. With your permission, I will share my design with your graphic guru.

I do have some bitter news to report. I will not be going undefeated in the 66ers fantasy football league after getting crushed in Week Five. Football is pain, Kyle. I might have lost my spleen this weekend. However, there is no looking back only, forward. 

When your organization graciously let the Eugene Emeralds in the outfield bar for Game Three of the High A West Championship Series, you gave our group a mountain of snacks, including what seemed like fourteen cases of Cracker Jack. Allan Benavides [General Manager] commented that whoever makes Cracker Jack these days is shorting their customers with peanuts. We tore open about twenty bags of Cracker Jack, and once again Allan was correct.

You know what is in a package of Cracker Jack though? Memories, which is why people keep buying them even though the caramelized popcorn is a morass of grossness. By time they are done with the package, they realize nostalgia is not what it used to be. The other problem with Cracker Jack is the cheesy, but terribly fun prized have been replaced by QR code stickers for an online game. Once again Corporate America is shitting on our childhood, Kyle.

I am sure your astute baseball mind is sniffing a possible promotion here, but I am two steps ahead because, well, I am just wired that way I suppose. Save Cracker Jack Night is sure to be a rousing success. Here is how it will shake out:

  1. Give free Cracker Jack packages to everyone in attendance. A MiLB organization never sells al the Cracker Jack that gets shipped to them over a season anyway. If the TOP BRASS rumbles about “free”, charge fifty cents. Or tell them you will spend more on labor than the price of the Cracker Jack you are giving away.
  2. Set up QR Codes all over Avista Stadium of cultural icons and popular fads of the past. Fans can shoot the codes and see Rubik’s Cubes, Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and Manson, pet rocks, Atari 2400s, Slinkys, conical bras, etc. Maybe put a coonskin cap on Recycle Man and give him a squirrel rifle and let him roam the stands. Stage a panty raid in the press box. 
  3. Put the images on your digital scoreboard…. wait, you do not have one of those, despite this being 2021. Do not worry; I can possibly help you rectify that, but that is a topic for a later missive. Worst case scenario is just to build a new stadium with a state of the art scoreboard included. Or we get one that fell off a truck.
  4. Create a stellar playlist of songs that evoke nostalgia, like The Scorpions’ “Bad Boys Running Wild, Huey Lewis’s “I Want a New Drug”, Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” and anything Michael Jackson and Madonna.
  5. At some point in the game, fans are going to start realizing that the QR Code game is just that a gimmick, just like a Cracker Jack prize. When they grow restless, your minions will start taping QR codes with real prizes with cool prizes around the stadium – flat screen TVs, other assorted electronics, bass boats, ponies, convertible sports cars, whatever is in the budge. TVs are really cheap at Best Buy these days.
  6. I am sure we can think of other things, but I am still smarting from my fantasy football losses, so we can kick that can down the road for now. Blowing up Ninja Turtles always entertains the kids though. And dinosaurs. Anything that bring back childhood memories helps make this a successful promotion.

Speaking of dinosaurs, now that I am bringing your organization national recognition, many of my readers want to know just what the hell is up with the ears of your dinosaur mascots, OTTO and Doris. I have deflected these rather angry questions with tales of Ribby the Red Redband Trout’s little move that drives the crowd wild, and how some of your staff have been known to say it has something to do with the fertilization of the eggs during spawning season. An explanation of those dinosaur mascot ears would be helpful because trout spawning videos will only hold people’s attention for so long.

Have to run. Golf polos do not design themselves.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Talk To Jarrett About His Fantasy Woes and the New GM of The ‘Peckers


Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on setting the record for fewest points ever in the history of all fantasy football leagues. If this were golf, I would strongly recommend you sell your clubs and take up tennis. It is not golf though, so you have to keep playing, hoping last week’s disaster was an anomaly. However, you already have two players that underperformed in the Thursday night game, so you might want to think about changing your team name to PARADISE LOST. Excuse me if I sound a little bitter, but you let my division rival, Jimmy’s Stuck, off the hook. Sigh, let’s just look forward, shall we?

I bet Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] was in a much better mood at the office this week since his team finally had a strong winning performance. Maybe it is now a good time to inquire about my authorship of the 66ers’ Twitter page. His good mood might not be lasting much long as this week he plays the probable best team in the league, Mr. Miracle. I am apprehensive that my good fortune will end this week as I play Kevin Shaw’s Merry Band of Convicted Felons.

Hey did your hear that Steve Pelle [Former Assistant Genera Manager; IE 66ers] is now the general manager of the Fayetteville Woodpeckers? The ‘Peckers are the reason the missive writing thing went BIG TIME. I wrote them years ago, imploring them to change their name to the Peckerheads because who wants to support a red-cockaded woodpecker? I became very tight with that organization when I created the now famous “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” motto that a local t-shirt shop printed. I tore up that stadium in its inaugural season, bring my Cactus League crew there for a game in a luxury suite. Little Bads was there also, but there were no incidents with security. The night ended with one of my buddies getting attacked by a pack of dogs at the train station.

Steve Pelle [General Manager; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] will be running with some bigs dogs in the Low A East as that is the land of Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks], Ryan Moore [President; Myrtle Beach Pelicans], and Allan Lawrence [General Manager; Salem Red Sox]. Steve will be rubbing elbows with some minor league royalty, plus Hunter Horenstein [Director of Fan Engagement; Myrtle Beach Pelicans] is gainfully employed in that league. I bet he will be impressed when he hears I am in first place in the 66ers fantasy football league. I should write him quickly in case my team starts to slide. As you know, future success in fantasy football can be elusive.

Anywhere there is playoff baseball on all day to day, and beer that needs to be iced. The morning rain set my schedule back a bit. Did you guys perform a tarp pull to remain physically fit and mentally sharp? I might have sprained my arch in my right foot doing a plank today. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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