Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Hello, old friend. It has been a while since we have communicated. Did you know that the Ems’ median home game duration was only 141 minutes this season, and that was the shortest in MILB? It was also 14 minutes the shorter that the longest of the Northwest League. I know these things because knowledge is power (I also know the exact amount of PPP loans every MiLB team received).
I am sure you have heard by now that I will be coming to Eugene next week for the post season. Vicious rumors are circulating about my arrival. I can assure you that Mayor Lucy Vinis and I will not be pitching a tent on your front lawn to bring attention to the homeless plight in the Emerald Valley. These old bones need a bed, and I hear the mayor is into tiny houses these days. As you well know, I need space.
I can confirm one rumor you have probably heard by now: yes, Dillon T. Pickle will be my guest for at least one of the games at PK Park next week. You might be wondering just how that happened, and the short answer is OPPORTUNITY. You see, the Pickles’ General Manager, Ross Campbell actually reads my emails and responded positively to my invitation. Do not be alarmed when a seven foot pickle enters the gates with me. Of course, you are probably saying, “Bullshit, Bads85, no pickle is coming to the game with you”, but ask yourself when does Bads85 not come through with what he promises.
I am pretty sure that Dillon is coming in peace and to support the Emeralds against the Canadian Scourge, but I have no control what happens on the streets of Eugene after the game. I think Pickles’ front office is coming down also, so once again, my arrival in Eugene is boosting your attendance figures. I plan on extending other invitations, so this might get big as things I plan often do. By time the dust settles, this might go down as the Great Mascot Mashup of 2022. People might sing ballads about this long after you and I are dead. I checked the Emeralds’ fan code of conduct, and there is nothing in there that states premium season ticket holders like myself cannot bring mascots to the games as guests.
Dillon is requesting to throw out the first ceremonial pitch. I think it is everyone’s best interest that we honor this request. We do not want to anger the Pickle gods with the Northwest League championship. I will keep this short because I know your mind wanders .
I did hear from a reputable source that every Vancouver Canadian batter is a Beer Better during the playoffs.
Your friend in baseball