Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:
I bet you do not want to talk fantasy football this week after your team once again failed to score ninety points, and as a result was soundly trounced by your boss, Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers]. I understand your pain. Well, I really do not because while I have had some bad teams in certain leagues before, I have never had any roster resembling yours, but we will not talk about that any more… until next week.
Hey, if you ever hear Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] walking around the office saying, “When will Bads85 retire so he can come be our Director of Promotions?”, tell him the answer is sooner than later. In fact, everything is negotiable. I am sure we could reach an agreement that would allow me to assume the position as early as next week. I am pretty sure Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] says something similar, but he doesn’t even have a stadium to offer me a permanent office, nor does he let me run his organization’s Twitter account.
One of my first responsibilities Director of Promotions would be to restore Thirsty Thursday to its former splendor. Let’s have a REAL TALK right now. The special connection between the fans and Thirsty Thursday has been lost for a myriad of reasons, and this can be seen with the three-year attendance trend on Thursdays. We do not have time to point fingers of blame, but only move forward.
We must re-establish the emotional connection between the fans and this special day, and since upper management will probably frown upon slashing beer prices, we need to flood our social media platforms of pictures of 66ers’ fans having a wonderful time on Thursdays at San Manuel Stadium. We probably should avoid using our season ticket holders because almost all of them besides myself are not very photogenic because of their genetics.
Breaking news – the Hillsboro Hops just informed me that Thirsty Thursdays are even necessary. What does that even mean? I didn’t wake up thinking that I would enter in a Twitter war over Thirsty Thursday with the Hillsboro Hops, but here we are on the precipice, as I contemplate sending them a clown shoes image. I mean, just get the bulldozers and wrecking balls in motion and knock Tonka Truck Field into Washington state. Better yet, we should just nuke it from orbit because the lifeforms around the place must be warped beyond saving.
But enough talk about the numbnuts of the north. We have Thirsty Thursday to reinvigorate, and we must attract THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE to do that. As you must certainly know, the 66ers only have one Thirsty Thursday in April — the 21st. Sure we could curse the schedule makers for this bitter fate, but that is counter productive. We need to make this a social even that people will talk through May. We need to couple this Thirsty Thursday with another promotion — maybe a Thirsty Thursday hat giveaway. Maybe something that involves fire or loud bangs. Not too good though, or will will attract the Nitro circus zombie crowd.
Anyway, I have to go work out because the Director of Promotions has to be in better shape than my pathetic body right now.
Your friend in baseball,