Dear Jarrett Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:
How is your boss holding up? You know, the two-time California League Executive of the Year who lost to my team in fantasy football last week by 83.70 points. Do you think he will play in this league next year? Will he even still be your boss? If I ever lost like that, I would enlist in the Merchant Marines and drop out of certain social circles for a while, maybe forever. I hope for your front office’s sake he attended the MiLB winter Meetings in Orlando and paid no attention to football this past weekend.
But we do not need to belabor Mr. Hudson’s loss. Instead, let’s talk about your upcoming matchup this week against… (checks notes) me! Somehow you have clawed yourself back into playoff contention while I clinched a playoff berth last week. You need to beat me to keep your meager playoff hopes alive. The matchup really means nothing to me other than pride, but since I am a narcissist, I plan on doing whatever ever it takes to ensure fantasy football makes a grown man like yourself suffer this weekend. It is really nothing personal. My son think that last statement was a bit over the top, but he is young and naive. One day he will truly experience the pain that is fantasy football.
Word on the mean streets of The Dino is that the 66ers are going to sell Beer Bats this year. I would suggest season ticket holders receive one dollar refills on Thirsty Thursday. Remember my good friend, fan appreciation leads to fan retention. Plus, the 66ers will probably need to entice fans to come to return to San Manuel Stadium this year because there are only so many entertainment dollars to go around in the INFLATION ERA.
Hey, it looks like a tarp pull type of day! Will the crew at San Manuel Stadium be rolling the tarp? Perhaps I can stop by for pictures to post on Twitter. We can always re-create the tarp pull so I can get some great angles of the expression of exertion on the faces of the 66ers’ staff. As you well know, tarp pulls are wonderful for staff bonding. In fact, a tarp pull just might brighten your boss’s day, and help him forget his fantasy football team will not be in the playoffs.
Hey, does anyone in the front office even read the 66ers’ Twitter? I am sort of developing a cult like following, although my daughters say some of the memes I employ are Dad memes. I do not even know what that means, but their tone is disapproving. I have to remind them who pays for their car insurance and how to properly offer constructive criticism to adults, lest their tuition checks bounce. I do think we need some video of dancing El Cucuy to freshen things up a bit. I bet the “G” Street hobos would be willing to wear a costume and dance a bit to get out of the rain.
This foul weather is making me desire a burrito or three. Before I set out to satisfy that craving, should we have a wager for our matchup? Maybe the loser has to suit up in the Slick costume and sing the victor’s praises?
Your friend in baseball,