I Talk to Poor Jarret About His Lousy Fantasy Team and Christmas Lights

Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

It is Mister Miracle’s World, and we are just living in it – well, at least in fantasy football. For all I know, he might live in a cardboard box behind the scrapyard. He is killing the league and crushed me this week because Joe Burrow played like an anemic infant in the Battle of Ohio this weekend. Hey, I have a pointer for you though. Cut your team and pick up random guys on the waiver wire without even looking to see who they are. Maybe then you could break 100 points a week. You might win this week while scoring less than ninety points, but you are playing a guy whose starting defense has a bye, which actually hurt you because his other defense had negative points. I really should not talk because my team is floundering, and Jimmy’s Stuck has passed me for the division lead

But enough talk about fantasy football. What is the word on the street about the Inland Empire 66ers’ revamped Twitter feed? Hs there been a sudden spike in merchandise sales? I think we have over a hundred new followers since that new guy took over posting duties. Some new friends have been made in the independent leagues, but the affiliated teams’ reaction have been a bit tepid, probably because they still resent us for being beautiful. Of course, most teams really are not cranking out quality content on Twitter during November because Christmas decorations are on everyone’s mind.

It looks like our old friend, Steve Pelle [General Manager; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] has some sort of light show gala extravaganza for charity going down at Segra Stadium soon. Local businesses can sponsor Christmas trees in a tree decorating contest to raise money for charities. It is too bad that the local environment around San Manuel Stadium will not allow the 66ers to do that, but let’s face it, the “G” Street hobos are not exactly merry gentlemen. Maybe we could have a tree decorating contest on Joe Hudson’s front lawn as he lives in a safe, high foot traffic area, and we all know Joe is filled with the holiday spirit. I would volunteer my lawn, but I have close to forty inflatables, including a new Millennium Falcon that should nicely complement my R2-D2 with Santa hat in a X-Wing. I would ask Pelle more details about his event, but his team website is not listing his email address yet. If you know it, I would appreciate it if you could send it my way so I could surprise Steve and the ‘Peckers with some holiday cheer.

I have been working with certain other teams on developing mascot holiday inflatables, and I have noticed that certain artistic representations of our Bernie make him appear soft. Bernie is an outlaw, not a plush toy. I think we should rectify this immediately with a slight makeover over the offseason. I mean we will not touch the costume because that costs big money, but we can make Bernie’s image a bit edgier to reflect his true spirit of the old soul mascot who has been around the block more than a few times. Maybe get him a fedora or a Viking helmet. I still think the “Mom” tattoo would work, but obviously upper management still disagrees.

Hey, did you know the Hillsboro Hops do not like the Beer Batter? I mean, what the hell is wrong with them? I wonder if they kick little bunnies also. Or put ketchup on vanilla ice cream. Or make their parents pay for dinner at the Golden Corral.  Not liking the Beer Batter is some real comic book villain stuff, like when the Joker gave that poisoned cotton candy to those Cub Scouts. I wonder what other skeletons are buried underneath their poorly maintained artificial turf field.

Anyway, I am taking trade offers in all my fantasy leagues because my teams are sputtering – not as bad as yours that has been dead in the water for weeks now, but still underperforming.

Your friend in baseball,


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