Dear Diana Jones [Program Supervisor; Board of Lane County Commissioners]:
I wrote you yesterday concerning the Eugene Emeralds and the fairgrounds project. Upon further reflection, I realized my missive probably created some unanswered questions. Please allow me some time from your busy day to elaborate. For starters, yes, I am as gorgeous in real life as I sound in my letters. Once we get past that, well, we can tackle the substantial issues concerning the possible partnership of the beloved Ems and whatever the hell we are calling the Lane County Fairgrounds these days.
Let’s start with what happens if the Ems do not get a new stadium soon. They will probably be purchased by the sports conglomerate Endeavor for pennies on the dollar, and moved to a region that will support the construction of a new minor league baseball stadium. Since there are only six teams in the High A West, this could put the entire league and professional baseball in the Pacific Northwest in jeopardy. A failure on Lane County’s part to secure a new stadium will also negatively affect Hillsboro. Major League Baseball could pull up stakes in this region and relocate the six High A West franchises elsewhere where spring weather and long travel would not be problematic.
Just what type of hellscape would Eugene be without professional baseball? Did you ever see John Carpenter’s Escape From New York? Allan Benavides; [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] is many things, but he is not Snake Plissken, even if he does like to sometimes wear a patch over his eye to pretend he is a pirate. We are not talking about tent communities of hobos sprouting up by freeway overpasses. We are talking about an invasion of hardcore felons and reprobates who have no intention of ever returning those overdue library books. White collar crime will certainly spike also as emboldened accounts realize they can steal more with a briefcase than a gun.
Do you know who wants to live in that type of environment, Diana? Californians. If the Ems leave town, you can count on convoys disgruntled Californians moving to Oregon for cheap gas prices, greatly exacerbating the housing shortage, which brings us back to an expanding hobo population. Soon, Eugene will look like Gresham – Gresham with tanks rolling through the street as the National Guard will have to be permanently activated to maintain order.
Hopefully, you know see the importance of this partnership. It is more than soft serve ice cream in a baseball helmet on a Saturday night. It is more than your child spilling mustard on her shorts and not caring because you are at a baseball game. It is more than the smell of brick dust; the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the catcalls directed to the umpires, and the mascot dancing on the dugout. It is about maintain a quality of life that we have come to expect in Eugene.
I do not know about you, but I am feeling kind of hungry. I am thinking about burritos.
Your friend in baseball,