Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
Hello GOOD FRIEND! Sorry I have not been in contact over the last couple of weeks, but I have been quite busy jaunting off to the Arizona Fall League and running the Inland Empire 66ers’ Twitter account. I have been so preoccupied that my golf game has suffered to the point in which I can feel how the game must feel for you. You are stronger than I imagined, carrying that pain around the links.
I see you have hired a replacement for Alex Stimsom [Former Whatever He Was; Eugene Emeralds] — literally a NEW ALEX. Can I have this Alex Naveja’s official Emeralds’ email address? I think I should reach out and welcome him to Minor League baseball. Does he have all of the old Alex’s job responsibilities? I could give him a few tips on how to run the Ems’ Twitter account now that I am a grizzled veteran in MiLB social media platforms. It is quite the story really. Who knew that that skinny kid from Cleveland, Ohio would grow up to win control of a minor league baseball team’s Twitter account through a fantasy football bet?
The only downside so far has been listening to other clubs whine and moan about the baseball season being so far away. I want say, “Shut and and plan those promotions! Group sales might be slow coming back in 2021, so you are going to have to embrace the old fashioned way of getting asses in the seats. I know they did not teach your that in your sports management classes, but your brand ain’t shit unless you have people coming through those gates. Give the people what they want: a chance to TOUCH THE NIGHT.” I don’t say anything though; I just quietly plan THE REVOLUTION with independent teams.
I must admit I was a little hurt that you did not consult me about who would be Stimson’s replacement, but then I realized you were probably shielding me from the pain of his departure. Yes, a clean break is the best avenue, which is why you should update your front office staff page and get his name and smiling face off there. He is not coming back through those doors at PK Park anytime soon — as an Ems’ employee anyway. Did he have to sign a non-disclosure clause when he left?
Hey, did you see the Hillsboro Hops admitted they do not like the Beer Batter on Twitter? How are those clowns even still in the league? I have it it on very good authority that certain Low A West executives were upset enough to drive to Tonka Truck Field to torch the place (figuratively speaking of course since arson is one of those things that is frowned upon in this society), but then they were informed that Hillsboro is even further than my mad dash last summer, so we all went out for tacos — well, most of us. We didn’t tell that one guy because he always brings up that time he had backstage passes to a Nelson concert.
Are you coming to Southern California for the holidays? Perhaps you can bring my 2021 Eugene Emeralds Championship gear with you sine the postman hates your office (you know who does not hate your office — the donut delivery guy). We can get together and throw back some shots of Jim Beam like wizened minor league executives do when they have not seen each other in a while.
Your friend in baseball,