I Talk To The Ems About The Future

Dear Patrick Zajac [Director of Partnerships & Promotions; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good man. Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] had a big announcement yesterday at the Lane County Commissioners’ Big Brunch Party. He announced that the Emeralds would be retiring Mike Schmidt’s jersey next season since 2022 will be the 50th anniversary of when Schmidt played in Eugene. This is the type of promotion that will make Eugene a MiLB travel Mecca. My baseball writing friends are already imploring me to plan a trip that will bring many of us together from all around North America to the Eugene/Springfield area for this gala. You are probably too young to remember Mike Schmidt in his prime, but he was a deity to children of the 1970’s, just like Farrah Fawcett. 

As you well know, I am a meticulous planner, and an event this special requires more than just hopping in the car to make a mad dash up I-5 to Eugene. I understand that the Ems’ promotion schedule is not finalized, but do you have a date for the Schmidt jersey retirement? My wife expects me to traipse all over Europe next summer to places like Madrid, Rome, Paris, London, etc. I told her all I want to do is go to Wichita to see the Wind Surge’s new stadium, and then she gave me her look, so I told her we can go to Wichita when we return. I do not want to be in some godforsaken place like the Netherlands when the Mike Schmidt thingy is happening, so I would greatly appreciate it you could get me a tentative date.

Hey, I have been thinking about possible Marvel Entertainment promotions, and I am firmly convinced that someone from your organization needs to steal the Spokane Indians’ Recycle Man costume. Send your new road announcer up there to take it in the dark of the night. While he is up there, maybe you can have him drop by the pro shop at the Creek at Qualchan to see if my lost range finder has shown up. Yes, I know, I lost it at the Arizona National Golf Club, but sometimes those things migrate.

But I digress. Once the Ems have the Recycle Man costume, you guys can have your own Save the Planet Night where Recycle Man gets tossed by Squatch into a trash compactor. Have a Wall-E Night and preach about sorting trash, then have Luke Skywalketr and Han Solo show with blasters blazing, and watch the crowd go wild. Create some plot line where Recycle Man is a just a grifter in cahoots with China — okay, maybe this one is over the top. Still send your new guy to Spokane to check on my range finder — that is kind of important.

Does Allan have any plans to take the front office to the Cactus League this year? My normal crew will be there, even if MLB is still locked out. The Rite of Spring Training will not be halted by billionaires squabbling with millionaires, at least for our group anyway. We can always find a t-ball field to heckle (the parents, not the players). In fact, we could use a man with your heckling talents. You essentially shut down an entire fan base by yourself during the High A West Championships (I would have had your back had that old man tried to physically assault you). You can ride with us anytime – Allan to as long as he isn’t Grumpy Allan.

Gotta run – much planning ahead. I cannot wait to travel to the Emerald Valley to use the Eugene Loo over the Mike Schmidt Extravaganza Weekend.

Your friend in baseball,


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