Dead Religions

Dear Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive]; Stocton Ports:

I know you are making your last minute preparations for the game after Opening Night in a few hours, but I have an urgent merchandise request. If I order a t-shirt fromyour online shop, will it be delivered to Redlands, California by the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes home opener on April 11th? You see, I am a new season ticket holder for the Quakes, but their merchandise is garbage, and a man of my fashion sense would never wear clothing that atrocious. I want to have some Cal League cred for Opening Night, but do not want to wear any of my 66ers’ gear to the game because of mistakes by multiple parties in the past. 

I would not be in this bind, but Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks] failed to respond to my initial request earlier this week. I turn to you to in my most desperate hour. Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack, and I’m afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.

I need a Ports’ shirt fast, man. However, if I do not receive it by next Thursday, it does me no good. If I get by Thursday though, I can slip past the Quakes’ security as if I am just another California League fan searching for a great ballpark adventure. Why security will be looking for me is not important at this time, but it is a long story that involves corrupt concessions corporations, and you and I do not have to get into the details of that right now.  Can you come through for me, Owen?

Also, when looking at your online merchandise, I came across “209 Tough” shirts. What in the holy hell is that nonsense? Just because your hockey arena bankrupted your city does not mean your city is tough. Man, you guys have an Asparagus Night, and you want your fans to strut around town in a “209 Tough” shirts. You want to be tough? Have a Yuppie Biker Night at your park, and let the real bikers show up to beat their asses. That might be really bad for fan retention, but at least you can back up the tough part.That shirt would still be shank bait in the 909, but at least you would have some street crew on the streets of Stockton.

Hey, do you know you guys drew the least of any home opener in the Cal League last night? How does it feel to be outdrawn by Visalia? Has to hurt, right?

Your friend in baseball

Bads85

PS: Try this for a shirt slogan: “Stockton! At least we aren’t Modesto!”

Dear Melissa Harkavy [Vice President of Community Relations & Customer Experience; Las Vegas Aviators]:

Good afternoon. I am writing to commend your organization on your new baseball stadium in Summerlin. I have been following the construction of your park on the live camera feed ever since I snuck on the construction site last December. I am pretty sure all photographic evidence of that night has been eliminated, so that can just be our little secret. Anyway, the stadium looks exquisite, and I cannot wait to visit this spring.

Before I journey there from the heart of the California League though, I do have some questions:

1. Are towels provided for the outfield pool? I would really like to soak my bones out there, but since I am a man in constant motion, I do not really want to be encumbered by carrying a towel.
2. Are special tickets needed to get in this pool? I do not want to be sharing a pool with the unwashed who have stumbled into the park as a respite for their Loser’s Shuffle.
3. Is there a bar service in the pool? I am not much for waiting in lines, especially after the Peoria incident in the Arizona Fall League.
4. Will there be merchandise stands near the pool? That looks like a very long walk around the stadium. Is there are golf cart service? I have handicap parking tags.
5. Will there be any blackjack tables or slot machines in the stadium? Close to the pool?
6. Are there any noise ordinances in Summerlin? My likely travel companions, Harold and Dial, have been known to be very vociferous when discussing baseball. Honestly, it is quite embarrassing, but I do not want them to be escorted from the park to the local jail. We all know what goes on in those Nevada jails after watching The Hangover documentaries.
7. Are you sure the stadium is facing the correct direction? I know it is late i the game to be changing things, but the setting sun will not be a problem with the batter’s eye, correct?
8. How large are those two dollar beers on Thursdays? How many can you order at one time?
9. Your Reyes De Plata image is much better than the Aviator thing. Any chance of a full time switch?
10. Are you sure you can trust Professional Sports Catering for your concession needs? 

I know you are busy person with the new stadium opening soon. I hope to hear from you soon. Remember, the what we do today creates the memories of our future — unless we become senile.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Let’s keep Elvis out of the building.

Dear Jeff Di Giorgio [Vice President of Sales, San Jose Giants]:

I have been instructed by Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks] to drive to San Jose to purchase Budweiser for your consumption in exchange for a bobblehead his organization is giving away. I am not sure if he was implying you corporate credit card privileges had been suspended, but I suppose a trip to San Jose is now in order. I do not know if a person your age really drinks Budweiser, but Pabst Blue Ribbon is where the action really is. An April trip will not work though because my social calendar is full.

I was looking at your May schedule and the games seem to coincide with Stockton, so if I travel that distance, at least I will see a game in one modern ballpark, although I am sure your staff has worked diligently to improve the atmosphere at San Jose Municipal Stadium since I was last there. Besides, it is not where you see the game (unless you are stranded in Potomac), but who you see the game with, and I will be bringing at least one grizzled minor league veteran, probably a guy named Whiskey Jack as long as his Hippy Hippy Shakes allow him to travel. Perhaps Mr. Cheery will meet us also. Do not worry; these guys pay for their own freight.

I understand your duties might not allow you to spend a great deal of time with us during the game, and Mr. Orum [President and CEO; San Jose Giants] and Mr. Wilson [General Manager; San Jose Giants] probably frown upon you drinking beer like a longshoreman when you are on the company dime, so we will put you one a precarious situation. After the game though, well, we can watch the big orange globe rise in the east while drinking tequila sunrises.

As for target dates, man, I do not know if I can resist San Jose Water Awareness Night because when I think of America’s pastime, I naturally thing of learning about how to conserve water while munching on peanuts. Here is an idea: what don’t you Northern California water wasters invest in food control, reservoirs, and canals rather than just waving at excess water heading to the ocean? Plus, the hobos will have a place to bathe. Maybe you should pass out pictures of the Seven Oaks Dam Project to the first 2000 in attendance to promote education on the matter. There are fireworks that night — do not pul lan Lancaster and set your outfield wall on fire, then have to use all that water you just saved to save your stadium for the netx home stand.

Let’s focus on some positives, shall we? Star Wars Night looks solid, although I have a question. Suppose my Padawans are already full Jedi because they are prodigies? Do they still get to participate in the activities? Your Star Wars Night coincides with the Ports’ Asparagus Weekend though, and you know how those in the 209 love their vegetables. Hotel rooms will be impossible to get there that weekend and the San Joaquin Valley will seep into town for the big shindig, especially since the Modesto Nuts are going to be in town. Perhaps Stockton is just a bridge too far. Perhaps we will just focus on San Jose, and eagerly wait for your organization to impress us. I am confident you guys are up for the task, especially if you give the best looking guy in the group (me) dibs on one of those Churros jerseys.

Well, tomorrow is Opening Night for certain California League clubs, so I will let you go, plus it is my last hockey night of the season. I will update you on our plans as they develop. First, we must get home safely this weekend.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I see you have put the STEAM in Eduction Day. I hope that means lots of live music. Loud live music. Make their little ears bleed!

Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:

Thank you for your response. Allow me to get this straight, you want me to drive to San Jose to watch a game in arguably the worst California League stadium now that Bakersfield and the High Desert have ceased operations, and buy Jeff Di Giorgio [Vice President of Sales, San Jose Giants] beer to get my bobblehead? Did he get his corporate credit card privileges revoked? You drive a hard bargain, but that is an inner circle Hall of Fame bobblehead, so I begrudgingly accept your deal, although Jeff is going to drink Pabst Blue Ribbon and like it. Is not Wilmington the San Bernardino of Delaware though? I do not want to get shanked. 

Some cursory research tells me that you are a former California Leaguer, so there must be a little outlaw left in your soul, even if you are only taking credit for 34% of the Whit Goodman Bobblehead, which is going to look so good with all my other bobbleheads. The Cal League never really leaves you, much like Herpes II except without the embarrassing topical sores. The Cal League leaves dignified scars on our souls, especially if your season tickets are next to people named Bongwater and Bacon Hag. I am sure we have many stories to exchange as San Jose Stadium has its share of miscreants also.

I must say I find the idea of a lack of sales tax intriguing, but I have found that if one just walks out of the store without paying for the merchandise, sales tax is not applied. Your way seems less likely to involve tasers though. More importantly, I have always wanted to meet Mr. Celery as he has tantalized my dreams for quite sometime. I am not sure if he is a savior or a vessel of destruction, but I believe our paths were destined to cross.

I really do not know what to wear to your stadium in July. I am sure the humidity will be oppressive, and I do not want to sweat through any of my minor league jerseys. I perused goods on your online store, and I must sat, your choice of selections is outstanding, unlike some of kinky dink organization like the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes or the Lancaster JetHawks (those clowns do not return emails either). I cannot really decide what to purchase — paralysis by analysis. Perhaps you could advise me. 

I see your home opener is this Thursday, so I will let you go. Those boxes of wall calendars your organization is giving away Saturday night are not going to unpack themselves.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Remember, hugs are better than drugs, unless the cocaine is high quality.

Dear Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks]:

I have a simple inquiry: if I order a Lancaster JetHawks t-shirt on 04/01/2019, will it arrive at my house in Redlands by 04/11/2019? It is imperative I have a JetHawks t-shirt for the Rancho Quakes’ home opener. I am a new season ticket holder for the Quakes, but I refuse to wear their ugly team gear because my personal appearance is very important to me. Also, I am pretty certain that the Quakes’ front office has alerted security to be looking for a guy wearing an Inland Empire 66ers or Down East Wood Ducks shirt, and I really do not want to have to go through the embarrassing hassle of an anal cavity search — at least not on Opening Day.

I assure you this is not an April Fool’s Day joke. Can your organization get that shirt delivered to  me by April 11th? The CA-138 is one of the most treacherous highways in California, only being two lanes through some of those most desolate land not found on the moon. Yahoos pass with reckless abandon, plus the meth addicted banditos in Phelan are growing more bold. There are also the ghosts of the Mormon cavalry that brought the white man to the Inland Empire who haunt the top of the Cajon Pass, and the sirens in Big Rock Inn call so, so sweetly. 

Also, looking at your merchandise online, I get a strong feeling that your organization is not a big fan of selling things online. Not very much is offered. It has been a while since I have waltzed into the Antelope Valley, but do you offer more merchandise at your team store? You offer seven men’s shirts online, one being a jersey and the other being a polo shit that seems to  be in a wrestling match to the death with the mannequin it supposed to be on. 

Hey, I was looking at your promotion schedule, and I did not see what fireworks night is the one where your organization annually lights the left field wall on fire. That really is one of the best traditions in the minors, and I hope you are continuing it. When I was there in 2014 when it happened, it really seemed to unify the crowd. We could hears howls in the distance, so the local wildlife seemed to like it, although we could not tell if those were coyotes or hobos howling.

I know you are very busy since your home opener is this Thursday and the Sugar Skull Bobblehead giveaway on Friday, so I will not take anymore of your time now, even though I have so many more questions.  I wish you a great start to the season and am happy to see that there are no published reports of vermin infestation in your concessions.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: When will you give KaBoom the napalm he rightfully deserves?

Dear Jeff Di Giorgio [Vice President of Sales, San Jose Giants]:

Good afternoon. I am writing to inquire about the complimentary tickets that are usually distributed by Rotten Robbie’s Gas Stations. Is this program continuing during the 2019 season, which starts next week? I figured it would since your organization was seventh in attendance last season in a ten team league, barely outdrawing Modesto and Visalia, both farm towns with small stadiums. 

My friend, Mr. Cheery, disagrees even though he is an eternal optimist. He figures any minor league organization that charges $100 for a PSL in a stadium that was built in 1942 is not really interested in saving it fans any money, especially when it already has the highest ticket prices in the California League.

Mr. Cheery does have a point about your stadium, which belongs in the Northwest or Pioneer League rather than High A Ball. I tell Mr. Cheery that every club cannot have the comfort of Banner Island Park, the charismatic fans of San Manuel Stadium, or the hospital sterility of LoanMart Field (fuck the Quakes!), but Mr, Cheery is a local, and I am not. I am just a minor league vagabond, happy to travel from town to town to enjoy the oral tradition of minor league ball, except in Adelanto or Potomac because those stadiums are cruel and inhumane (and thankfully out of commission after the 2019 campaign).

It is rather surprising that the city of San Jose hasn’t built a new, state of the art facility, maybe one even large enough to snare a AAA affiliation. I suppose graft runs deep in the Silicon Valley, and any money earmarked for a new stadium is better off lining a politician’s pocket. Besides, we all know how sports facilities sent the city of Stockton into bankruptcy, and maybe San Jose never really grew out of the agricultural shadows, so it perhaps it is best that the Giants’ High A team plays in a stadium that opened months after FDR’s “Day That Will Live In Infamy Speech.”

So are Rotten Robbie’s going to have the free tickets or not? Mr. Cheery needs to know. For the last few decades, the law of supply and demand has been kicking your organization’s ass, but by all means, keep dry humping that hockey model that your organization seems to be embracing. You probably should keep throwing the freebies to the gas stations just so you have a reason to keep the concession stands open on the early weekdays ((we know you cannot give them away at Orchard Supply Hardware anymore because of that pesky Chapter 11 Bankruptcy they field). Joey Bart has a big appetite, man. That frame is not going to feed itself.

Mr. Cheery eagerly awaits your response. I probably will not make it up to San Jose this season because I am heading off to Carolina League for an excursion this summer, plus a venture into the NY Penn and Eastern Leagues. Here is wishing you guys a strong season in ticket sales though.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Have you acquired extra fire retardant for Heliot Ramos upcoming flameout?

Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:

Good day, sir. I felt compelled to compliment the genius behind the “Whit” Goodman Bobblehead giveaway on Dodgeball Night on June 22nd at Daniel S. Frawley Stadium. If you were not the person who brought this wonderful idea into this world, steal the credit and plaster this accomplishment on your resume, and strap yourself into to the rocket ride to greatness.

This promotion is brilliant on multiple levels. First of all, Dodgeball is one of the underrated comedies of our time, and any attempt to bring attention to this finely crafted film is cause for a celebration. Secondly, your semi-tribute to one of the greatest screen villains of all time, White Goodman, is just outstanding. There is a little Goodman in all of use, even if he is a morally repugnant creature. However, had he received more hugs in his formative years, perhaps he would have grown up differently. Who cannot say that about themselves?

Morphing Goodman with Whit Merriman is what us old timers in the minor league circuit call FUCKING FULGENT, the type of thinking would receive a full salute from the great promotion wizard Ron McKee, the dude who copyrighted Thirsty Thursdays. By combining the evil of White with the greatness of Whit, you have created a damn near perfect metaphor for humanity. Add the purple uniform, and you have created art that will be dispelled at the Louvre long after you have left this world. I bet you did not even realize the full force of your work — true geniuses often do not — that is what critics are for. Plus, you found a way around the copyright infringement!

Obviously, I desire one of these bobbleheads, but alas, I will be in Europe on the date of your giveaway. I know it is customary for ticket holders to be present at the game to receive a giveaway, but I was wondering if you could make an exception for me in this case. You see, I am the West Coast Ambassador for the Carolina League, even though I am the unofficial special assistant of General Manager Joe Hudson of the Inland Empire 66ers. In recent months, I have become pretty tight with Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] and Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing’ Fayetteville Woodpeckers], so it is not like you are awarding the bobblehead to some transient who is going to sell it for a vial of crack.

I am planning a Carolina League tour in July after the Society of American Baseball Research Convention in San Diego. Wade has invited me to Kinston to throw out a first pitch, which as you well know, is an esteemed honor. We are going to sit in the duck blind in the bullpen and drink pitchers of local craft beer like real minor league executives do. I was planning on heading to Fayetteville to check out their new digs and slam gorilla farts with Austin in a luxury suite, even though they are going to have a massive parking problem on their hands. Wilmington was not on my initial plans because, you know, Delaware, but now this Whit Goodman bobblehead changes everything. Maybe you can you keep one on your desk until I arrive, and we can drink whatever you locals drink in Delaware. Maybe in return, I can make a donation to your favorite charity.

Hey, what is with all the phallic symbols in the Carolina League? That Winston-Salem Dash insignia is a raging boner. Fayetteville’s battle cry is “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” Down East is all about the wood too. I suggested to Wade and Austin that they should name the series between their teams the Wood Cup. So far Wade has been receptive, but I believe Austin thinks there is too much at stake. Even your organization’s Blue Stones is a bit naughty.

I understand you are a busy man with the season’s beginning just in front of us. I hope to hear from you soon.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager/Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]:

As a new season ticket holder, I would like to inquire why the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes offer such bone chilling ugly apparel in the year of 2019. The homeless and the destitute would turn their noses in the air at what your organization offers in terms of fans gear. Most of the t-shirts make me wonder who many families in Tijuana are missing their drapes — well, the ones that are not black. Your organization sits on the edge of the desert. What is the fascination for black shirts, especially since a large part of your season ticket base suffers from acute dandruff?

There is a giant mall that serves as downtown for your city. Does anyone from your organization stroll through and perhaps take note of current styles? Perhaps if they did, something other than MTV wardrobes from the 1990’s would be offered as team swag. This is Southern California, man. People dress for success. Your organization offers rube clothes that scream, “Remember Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray in Kingpin Well, we went to look like that with a little Randy Quaid thrown in!” 

Why is it the fans of Lake Elsinore and those bastards from San Bernardino get to purchase nice merchandise while Quakes’ fans have to select from things that Goodwill would not even offer? I have money to spend, Grant, but I am not going to cruise the freeways looking like a rodeo clown or one of your dinosaur mascots. Speaking of which, it is probably time to retire those sad things unless a stegosaurus was to mount them and insert some personality into through them through a random orifice. 

Your parent affiliate, the Los Angeles Dodgers, is known for its crisp merchandise. Meanwhile, Kars 4 Kids would reject your gear for being too much of a shit show. You offer one style of polo shirts, and it looks like a FIFA referee jersey. Nothing says Casual Friday like a guy dressed to give his office mates a yellow card. And your other sports apparel? It is the stuff that only early 1990’s wrestling coaches would wear.

Create a task force to investigate this problem and determine solutions. I realize that a solution by Opening Night or even the 4th of July is not possible, but I plan on being around for life.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: You guys even mangle Under Armour!