Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:
We continue to win the heart and minds of those uninitiated with the Woods Ducks on the West Coast. Sunday, I wore the Wood Ducks shirt you sent me to Disneyland, and found myself being constantly photographed by strangers, many who spoke foreign languages. My children said I am too old to be photo bombing people’s vacations, but what do they really know, being all riddled with teen angst? Those pictures are going to return to Asia, and a great many people live over there, much more than you social media sources are reaching so far.
There was a band playing called Yachtly Crew at Pixar Pier in California Adventure Park. These guys are like soft rock gods, playing really bad music from the 70’s and 80’s while dressed like Ted Knight at the boat christening in Caddyshack. I kept tell them to play some Skynyrd, and I could tell they wanted to, but probably were bound by contract to stick to Toto and Hall and Oates. I was going to jump on stage in my Wood Ducks shirt and save these musicians’ souls by leading them in a rousing rendition of “The Breeze”, but security was itching to tackle my ass and slap the cuffs on, so I went to ride the Guardians of the Galaxy, and left their souls to be damned. I cannot save everyone, Wade.
I did find that the very cool shirt you sent me is kind of subdued which works well on Casual Fridays and Hangover Mondays, but does not exactly stand out in a crowd like Disneyland. I took it upon myself to order something a little more bold, so Amanda McClain, [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportservice] is going to be busy. I also bought a couple of hats for the hot weather because summer is coming. I still have not taken the plunge on the Collard Greens gear though.
I also wore my Woodies jersey to a high school showcase at San Manuel Stadium this weekend. The 66ers staff was a little taken aback with my attire, but I am sure they know realize I am not screwing around with contract negotiations, especially since I spilled mustard on the jersey, so they know I am not returning it.. I fully expect to be offered a fair contract sometime this week. Hopefully, my office will be ready by Sunday’s game once the Los Cucuy bobbleheads are distributed Saturday night. If not, well, I will just have to take over a luxury box until things are ready.
Anyway, we are only a couple of days away from Opening Night. You probably are not ready because no team ever is. Concentrate an keeping the concession limes moving, and the rest will take care of itself.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Does the Wood Ducks’ front office have a facial hair policy?