I Inquire Why the Quakes Are So Ugly

Dear Grant Riddle [Vice President/General Manager/Rancho Cucamonga Quakes]:

As a new season ticket holder, I would like to inquire why the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes offer such bone chilling ugly apparel in the year of 2019. The homeless and the destitute would turn their noses in the air at what your organization offers in terms of fans gear. Most of the t-shirts make me wonder who many families in Tijuana are missing their drapes — well, the ones that are not black. Your organization sits on the edge of the desert. What is the fascination for black shirts, especially since a large part of your season ticket base suffers from acute dandruff?

There is a giant mall that serves as downtown for your city. Does anyone from your organization stroll through and perhaps take note of current styles? Perhaps if they did, something other than MTV wardrobes from the 1990’s would be offered as team swag. This is Southern California, man. People dress for success. Your organization offers rube clothes that scream, “Remember Woody Harrelson and Bill Murray in Kingpin Well, we went to look like that with a little Randy Quaid thrown in!” 

Why is it the fans of Lake Elsinore and those bastards from San Bernardino get to purchase nice merchandise while Quakes’ fans have to select from things that Goodwill would not even offer? I have money to spend, Grant, but I am not going to cruise the freeways looking like a rodeo clown or one of your dinosaur mascots. Speaking of which, it is probably time to retire those sad things unless a stegosaurus was to mount them and insert some personality into through them through a random orifice. 

Your parent affiliate, the Los Angeles Dodgers, is known for its crisp merchandise. Meanwhile, Kars 4 Kids would reject your gear for being too much of a shit show. You offer one style of polo shirts, and it looks like a FIFA referee jersey. Nothing says Casual Friday like a guy dressed to give his office mates a yellow card. And your other sports apparel? It is the stuff that only early 1990’s wrestling coaches would wear.

Create a task force to investigate this problem and determine solutions. I realize that a solution by Opening Night or even the 4th of July is not possible, but I plan on being around for life.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: You guys even mangle Under Armour!

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