Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:
Good day, sir. I felt compelled to compliment the genius behind the “Whit” Goodman Bobblehead giveaway on Dodgeball Night on June 22nd at Daniel S. Frawley Stadium. If you were not the person who brought this wonderful idea into this world, steal the credit and plaster this accomplishment on your resume, and strap yourself into to the rocket ride to greatness.
This promotion is brilliant on multiple levels. First of all, Dodgeball is one of the underrated comedies of our time, and any attempt to bring attention to this finely crafted film is cause for a celebration. Secondly, your semi-tribute to one of the greatest screen villains of all time, White Goodman, is just outstanding. There is a little Goodman in all of use, even if he is a morally repugnant creature. However, had he received more hugs in his formative years, perhaps he would have grown up differently. Who cannot say that about themselves?
Morphing Goodman with Whit Merriman is what us old timers in the minor league circuit call FUCKING FULGENT, the type of thinking would receive a full salute from the great promotion wizard Ron McKee, the dude who copyrighted Thirsty Thursdays. By combining the evil of White with the greatness of Whit, you have created a damn near perfect metaphor for humanity. Add the purple uniform, and you have created art that will be dispelled at the Louvre long after you have left this world. I bet you did not even realize the full force of your work — true geniuses often do not — that is what critics are for. Plus, you found a way around the copyright infringement!
Obviously, I desire one of these bobbleheads, but alas, I will be in Europe on the date of your giveaway. I know it is customary for ticket holders to be present at the game to receive a giveaway, but I was wondering if you could make an exception for me in this case. You see, I am the West Coast Ambassador for the Carolina League, even though I am the unofficial special assistant of General Manager Joe Hudson of the Inland Empire 66ers. In recent months, I have become pretty tight with Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] and Austin Schwartz [Vice President; Sales & Marketing’ Fayetteville Woodpeckers], so it is not like you are awarding the bobblehead to some transient who is going to sell it for a vial of crack.
I am planning a Carolina League tour in July after the Society of American Baseball Research Convention in San Diego. Wade has invited me to Kinston to throw out a first pitch, which as you well know, is an esteemed honor. We are going to sit in the duck blind in the bullpen and drink pitchers of local craft beer like real minor league executives do. I was planning on heading to Fayetteville to check out their new digs and slam gorilla farts with Austin in a luxury suite, even though they are going to have a massive parking problem on their hands. Wilmington was not on my initial plans because, you know, Delaware, but now this Whit Goodman bobblehead changes everything. Maybe you can you keep one on your desk until I arrive, and we can drink whatever you locals drink in Delaware. Maybe in return, I can make a donation to your favorite charity.
Hey, what is with all the phallic symbols in the Carolina League? That Winston-Salem Dash insignia is a raging boner. Fayetteville’s battle cry is “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” Down East is all about the wood too. I suggested to Wade and Austin that they should name the series between their teams the Wood Cup. So far Wade has been receptive, but I believe Austin thinks there is too much at stake. Even your organization’s Blue Stones is a bit naughty.
I understand you are a busy man with the season’s beginning just in front of us. I hope to hear from you soon.
Your friend in baseball,