Dear Melissa Harkavy [Vice President of Community Relations & Customer Experience; Las Vegas Aviators]:
Good afternoon. I am writing to commend your organization on your new baseball stadium in Summerlin. I have been following the construction of your park on the live camera feed ever since I snuck on the construction site last December. I am pretty sure all photographic evidence of that night has been eliminated, so that can just be our little secret. Anyway, the stadium looks exquisite, and I cannot wait to visit this spring.
Before I journey there from the heart of the California League though, I do have some questions:
- Are towels provided for the outfield pool? I would really like to soak my bones out there, but since I am a man in constant motion, I do not really want to be encumbered by carrying a towel.
- Are special tickets needed to get in this pool? I do not want to be sharing a pool with the unwashed who have stumbled into the park as a respite for their Loser’s Shuffle.
- Is there a bar service in the pool? I am not much for waiting in lines, especially after the Peoria incident in the Arizona Fall League.
- Will there be merchandise stands near the pool? That looks like a very long walk around the stadium. Is there are golf cart service? I have handicap parking tags.
- Will there be any blackjack tables or slot machines in the stadium? Close to the pool?
- Are there any noise ordinances in Summerlin? My likely travel companions, Harold and Dial, have been known to be very vociferous when discussing baseball. Honestly, it is quite embarrassing, but I do not want them to be escorted from the park to the local jail. We all know what goes on in those Nevada jails after watching The Hangover documentaries.
- Are you sure the stadium is facing the correct direction? I know it is late i the game to be changing things, but the setting sun will not be a problem with the batter’s eye, correct?
- How large are those two dollar beers on Thursdays? How many can you order at one time?
- Your Reyes De Plata image is much better than the Aviator thing. Any chance of a full time switch?
- Are you sure you can trust Professional Sports Catering for your concession needs?
I know you are busy person with the new stadium opening soon. I hope to hear from you soon. Remember, the what we do today creates the memories of our future — unless we become senile.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Let’s keep Elvis out of the building.