Dear Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive]; Stocton Ports:
I know you are making your last minute preparations for the game after Opening Night in a few hours, but I have an urgent merchandise request. If I order a t-shirt fromyour online shop, will it be delivered to Redlands, California by the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes home opener on April 11th? You see, I am a new season ticket holder for the Quakes, but their merchandise is garbage, and a man of my fashion sense would never wear clothing that atrocious. I want to have some Cal League cred for Opening Night, but do not want to wear any of my 66ers’ gear to the game because of mistakes by multiple parties in the past.
I would not be in this bind, but Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks] failed to respond to my initial request earlier this week. I turn to you to in my most desperate hour. Years ago, you served my father in the Clone Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against the Empire. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request to you in person, but my ship has fallen under attack, and I’m afraid my mission to bring you to Alderaan has failed.
I need a Ports’ shirt fast, man. However, if I do not receive it by next Thursday, it does me no good. If I get by Thursday though, I can slip past the Quakes’ security as if I am just another California League fan searching for a great ballpark adventure. Why security will be looking for me is not important at this time, but it is a long story that involves corrupt concessions corporations, and you and I do not have to get into the details of that right now. Can you come through for me, Owen?
Also, when looking at your online merchandise, I came across “209 Tough” shirts. What in the holy hell is that nonsense? Just because your hockey arena bankrupted your city does not mean your city is tough. Man, you guys have an Asparagus Night, and you want your fans to strut around town in a “209 Tough” shirts. You want to be tough? Have a Yuppie Biker Night at your park, and let the real bikers show up to beat their asses. That might be really bad for fan retention, but at least you can back up the tough part.That shirt would still be shank bait in the 909, but at least you would have some street crew on the streets of Stockton.
Hey, do you know you guys drew the least of any home opener in the Cal League last night? How does it feel to be outdrawn by Visalia? Has to hurt, right?
Your friend in baseball
PS: Try this for a shirt slogan: “Stockton! At least we aren’t Modesto!”