Dear Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks]:
I have a simple inquiry: if I order a Lancaster JetHawks t-shirt on 04/01/2019, will it arrive at my house in Redlands by 04/11/2019? It is imperative I have a JetHawks t-shirt for the Rancho Quakes’ home opener. I am a new season ticket holder for the Quakes, but I refuse to wear their ugly team gear because my personal appearance is very important to me. Also, I am pretty certain that the Quakes’ front office has alerted security to be looking for a guy wearing an Inland Empire 66ers or Down East Wood Ducks shirt, and I really do not want to have to go through the embarrassing hassle of an anal cavity search — at least not on Opening Day.
I assure you this is not an April Fool’s Day joke. Can your organization get that shirt delivered to me by April 11th? The CA-138 is one of the most treacherous highways in California, only being two lanes through some of those most desolate land not found on the moon. Yahoos pass with reckless abandon, plus the meth addicted banditos in Phelan are growing more bold. There are also the ghosts of the Mormon cavalry that brought the white man to the Inland Empire who haunt the top of the Cajon Pass, and the sirens in Big Rock Inn call so, so sweetly.
Also, looking at your merchandise online, I get a strong feeling that your organization is not a big fan of selling things online. Not very much is offered. It has been a while since I have waltzed into the Antelope Valley, but do you offer more merchandise at your team store? You offer seven men’s shirts online, one being a jersey and the other being a polo shit that seems to be in a wrestling match to the death with the mannequin it supposed to be on.
Hey, I was looking at your promotion schedule, and I did not see what fireworks night is the one where your organization annually lights the left field wall on fire. That really is one of the best traditions in the minors, and I hope you are continuing it. When I was there in 2014 when it happened, it really seemed to unify the crowd. We could hears howls in the distance, so the local wildlife seemed to like it, although we could not tell if those were coyotes or hobos howling.
I know you are very busy since your home opener is this Thursday and the Sugar Skull Bobblehead giveaway on Friday, so I will not take anymore of your time now, even though I have so many more questions. I wish you a great start to the season and am happy to see that there are no published reports of vermin infestation in your concessions.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: When will you give KaBoom the napalm he rightfully deserves?