Dead Religions

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

It has been a very long time since we have communicated, but please know that you and the Woodpeckers have never really left my heart. I see the inside of your stadium is very close to being complete while the outside is still a magnificent work in progress. The inside looks absolutely amazing, and I cannot wait until my visit this July. I am glad your soft opening was successful, and I hope Mayor Mitch did not have to grease too many palms to get the proper permits to allow fans in the stadium.

I also witnessed the introduction of your outstanding new mascot, Bunker. You might not know this about me, but it has been said I am hypercritical of minor league mascots, imposing unreachable standards on the costumed folk who provide us in game entertainment to distract us from the sometimes poor play on the field. Bunker passes my rigorous standards, and I tip my hat to your organization. I cannot wat to see Bunker embark on strafing runs throughout Segra Stadium – and BEYOND.

I do have one bit of advice for you guys though – you named Bunker after a distinguished general who had the nickname of both “Tin Tits” and “Old Iron Tits”. In this age of social media, opposing fans and internet trolls might have a field day with the tits monikers, so I would suggest you be very proactive. General Ridgway earned those nicknames because he always had two grenades pinned to his chest. I strongly you suggest you add grenades to Bunker’s chest before any internet wisenhammers start running amok with this knowledge. Just imagine how badass Bunker will look with two grenades on his chest! Plus, for shits and giggles he can toss then above the crowd and confetti can explode with a delightful boom!

Be advised that other organizations are going to challenge Bunker to combat. Aggressively answer these calls lest Bunker be labeled a pacifist. Besides, have you seen the Carolina League mascots? Bunker can easily whup all of them. In fact, he would be doing society a great favor if he used that DEWD thing’s face an eraser. That is one creepy fellow that could give Stephen King night terrors. If those upstarts down east challenge your mascot to some Mexican style wrestling, seize the day and beat some ass. And down the road, get Bunker two little sidekicks named Pyro and Napalm. They can ignite rallies on the dugout with aerosol cans and a lighter. Oh, how the fans will cheer!

Oh, one other piece of advice: during the soft opening, your guys allowed Ms. Victoria Huggins [Manager, Community & Media Relations; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] to walk on the infield in high heels. Silly ‘Peckers! You just evoked a horrible curse from the baseball gods by doing that. There are no heels in baseball, Austin!  I know you only have a few days until the stadium opener, but you are going to have to demolish the stadium and start over. You might get away with sacrificing a live chicken or hobo, but only before Opening Night.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Because I know you have misses this: “Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker!”

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

History was made this weekend, but it will most certainly be dwarfed by Tiger Wood’s Masters victory. Last night, for what I am pretty sure was the first time ever, a Woodies jersey was worn in Dodger Stadium. I must say, I looked really good wearing that jersey, and the Dodgers’ faithful were swooning every time I walked up the aisle to go to the restroom, which was a great deal because the beer was flowing last night. However, our successes on the Western Front are not much more than moral victories as the real war has been waging at Historic Grainger Stadium.

As you certainly know, 16% of your home games for the 2019 season are now complete. While the sample size is small, I think it is safe to say that the Wood Ducks are not going to lead the league in attendance in 2019, something that will not change until the Texas Rangers build the city of Kinston a brand new stadium an a large manufacturing plant that builds THE FUTURE. Until then, well, you take the small victories and build upon them. 

Good news! Your home opener was up 17% from 2018. Only three other Carolina League teams had higher tickets sold this year from 2018 (Wilmington, Frederick, and Salem), and your organization had the highest increase. While weather certainly played a factor, I am going to take the liberty to say the primary reason for this increase was your dedication and brilliance — and the fact your organization cleaned up that online merchandise presentation.  Yes Wade, I noticed that, and the new merchandise pops with the improved presentation.

The talk of the Carolina League this week will be the ‘Peckers stadium opener, even though the outside of the stadium looks like 1980’s Beirut, and word on the street is that Mayor Mitch had to grease an inspector’s palms to get a permit to ensure the soft opener went on a planned.  The ‘Peckers introduced their new mascot at the soft opening, a creature named bunker who wears clothing a bit too tight, undoubtedly too overcompensate for a tiny male appendage.

Sometimes the baseball gods give us gifts completely out of the blue. Wade, the ‘Peckers named their mascot after a general who had the nickname “Tin Tits”. Yes, General Matthew Bunker Ridgeway was a legendary bad ass, but naming a mascot after a guy was called Tin Tits is a precarious decision in this brave new world of social media. Imagine the fun that Carolina League fans can have with this. 

I believe a showdown between DEWD and Tin Tits is inevitable. The ‘Peckers are going not do everything to avoid this because mascot uniforms are expensive, and they want that fresh whiteness to last through August. They will certainly ignore any overtures for a rumble, which plays into the Wood Ducks’ hands as your fans can label Tin Tits a pacifist, which will not sit well in a military town. Oh, they will not be happy with Wood Ducks fans, but those guys are not going to make the 83 mile drive out to Kinston. Instead, they will pressure Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and his bosses to have Tin Tits enter hand to hand combat with DEWD.

Now for the good part, the type marketing genius I should be paid handsomely one day when a minor league team signs me to a contract once I retire from the teaching profession. Schedule the throw down on a Patos Joyuyos game, and have Lucha Libre wresting and make the mascots the main event. That deafening roar you are hearing right now? Those are cash registers singing at the top of their lungs. Sometime I give myself goosebumps.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Mongolian Metal Night! Embrace it.

Dear Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks]:

I must express my sincere gratitude for your quick delivery of my JetHawks shirt. Sending it Priority Mail was well above the call of duty, and I sincerely appreciate the effort. I regret being a bit late with my expression of gratitude, but the minor league season is off to a raucous start, and I pounced on the tail of that dragon this season. This is no excuse, but please accept my delayed gratitude and know that your parcel handily beat the one from Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports]. For this, I award you the Amanda McClain [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportsservice] Outstanding Service Award. 

If you have not heard of the most excellent Amanda McClain, well, she sets the bar for beyond excellent customer service. It is a great honor to be mentioned in the same breath as Amanda, but you have deserved it! That being said, I wore the shirt Owen sent me to the Quakes’ home opener rather than yours because he did act first. I plan on wearing your shirt to the first Storm game I am attending this weekend so those broken human beings who represent their fan base will think my crew is from Lancaster and will not send a posse of meth head vigilantes to Redlands looking for me.

I was sorry to see the foul weather wreaked some havoc on your attendance this past weekend. Hopefully the Michelada Festival at the end of the month will make up for that. That is something I would really like to attend, especially since I am pretty sure my father invented Michelada’s decades ago as a hangover cure. He just called them Bloody Beers though, which of course, is a complete marketing failure. The Henley Hoodie Giveaway looks intriguing also because I am confident I would look smashing in one of those. Unfortunately, my social calendar is booked that weekend though, and I am a man who honors commitments.

I am going to have cut this short because I am typing this from my phone at LoanMart Field while waiting in a very long beer line, and I am finally nearing the front of the line. Professional Sports Catering has failed me again.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Mongolian Metal Night! Make it happen!

Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:

Thank you for your response. I apologize for the delay in my reply, but the life of a minor league road warrior is often intense. I have not had much time to come up for air since the start of the season. After the California League Opening Weekend, Monday night after an Angels’ game, I found myself eating chili cheeseburgers a burger stand in Anaheim where the waitresses still wear roller skates, and draft beers come in 32 ounce cups. Place like this used to be everywhere in Southern California, but then Applebee’s made the scene, severely wounding our cultural fabric. But I digress.

It warms my heart to see a minor league executive eager to hit the road to travel to new parks, so I am excited that you are coming this way. I do not believe I told you I am a long time season ticket holder of the 66ers. It is a rather long story as to how I came to have season tickets for both the 66ers and Quakes this year, but the gist is I wanted to spook the hell of out of some certain obnoxious Quakes’ season ticket holders by having ticket in their section, and they cannot call their little usher friends to get me to move. I can fill in the details while we take a game at the outstanding San Manuel Stadium, although perhaps he should look to the future instead of the past.

While Banner Island Park is the jewel of the California League, San Manuel Stadium is the soul of the league due to the fan experience — except on Monday nights, which just suck because of a weekly promotion the locals will never embrace. Sundays blow also. I hope you plan to attend on Thursday or Friday to capture the full savagery of a fan base who marched to the edge and backed away from the abyss multiple times, and now see minor league baseball as their beautiful reward. The Quakes’ stadium is nice, especially if one has a sterile hospital fetish, but it is at best the fourth most desirable place to see a Cal League game.

Bads85’s Subjective California League Stadium Rankings, Overall Ballpark Experience:

San Manuel Stadium (66ers)

Banner Island Ballpark (Ports)

The Diamond (Storm)

The Epicenter (Quakes)

The Hangar (JetHawks)

John Thurman Field (Nuts)

Recreation Park (Rawhide)

San Jose Muni (Giants0

Perhaps if you send General Manager Joe Hudson a missive announcing your arrival, he will let us sit in the new, double wide luxury suite remodeled this offseason, and we can wave to the peasants in Section 102 named Bongwater, Bacon Hag, Shackles, and Cruel Crimson. We cannot wave to One Hitter anymore because he passed from this earth this past off season, but I am sure his ghost will see us lift a glass to his memory. We can drink GM Joe’s top shelf bourbon and exchange stories from the road like real minor league executives do. After all, I think you would agree that our relationship has progressed from sneaking shots in your office. Maybe we will even let Joe join us if he brings us some of those pigs in a blanket thingies. 

How is that stellar employee Owen doing? If his head becomes too big, you can inform him while he certainly beat Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks] to the punch with his initial fulfillment of my request, Ms. Woods sent her merchandise Priority Mail, and her shipment beat Owen’s by two days. I think we all can tip our hats to Ms. Woods’ outstanding commitment to customer service. Do not fret though. I still plan on wearing the Port’s shirt to the Quakes’ home opener in a couple of hours.

I am happy to see your attendance woes dissipated with the bad weather. Guess who leads the California League in attendance now? Why, it is your organization! 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Don’t you agree that every minor league organization should have a Repo Man Night?

Dear Chris Dillon [Director of Promotions & Community Relations Hickory Crawdads]:

I hope the new season finds you well as you prepare for your home opener this Thursday. As an unofficial assistant to numerous minor league executives, I have a question about your Church Bulletin Sunday promotion. Does it work? Do church goers fill the stadium on a Sunday afternoon? And you do recycle all these bulletins, or do they sit molting in a trash fill? And how do you ensure there is no church bulletin fraud? Suppose a rather bold hobo went to a local a grabbed a stack of bulletins, then passed them out in his camp? You can never be too careful these days.

You know what would be another great Sunday promotion? Day Drinking Sunday. Your church goers might not like it, but have a Resist Temptation section in an outfield bleacher section away from the taps. However, there really is not many things better than day drinking on a Sunday while watching baseball. Well, the Indy 500 is, but that is the greatest spectacle in racing and only happens once a year. I have been told that there are some wonderful craft breweries in your area, but I do not think they are union shops, plus craft beer can make you fat. However, everyone should have the choice to drink what they want, so make all the beer cheap and keep it flowing.

I see your organization is having a Mother/Son Date Night in July. While there is not much stronger than the bond between a mother and her son, I would strongly advise dropping the “Date” part of that promotion to avoid ridicule on social media. You can still promote mother and son coming to the game together; just do not call it a date. When Child Protective Services is interested in your promotions, the is usually a sign a re-tooling is in order.

Hey, I bet you did not know I was the President/Dictator of the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. It is kind of a long story of how this came to be, and I do not want to drop any names, but Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston to throw out a first pitch in my Woodies’ jersey and Patos Joyuyos hat. It does not look like I can see a game in Hickory this trip, but I will be passing through town from Asheville (Ms. Sam Fischer [Director of Marketing & Fan Relations; Asheville Tourists] wants me to stop by and take a picture with her in front of their Thirsty Thursday trademark). Perhaps I can stop by the stadium, and we can pound some Jungle Juice in the team store like real minor league executives do.

I hope everything is in order for your home opener, and things go smoothly this week with good weather. Remember, it is never too late to have a Mongolian Metal Night.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: How come Mark and Douglas wear t-shirts under their polos?

Dear Sam Fischer [Director of Marketing and Fan Relations; Asheville Tourists]:

Thank you for your response as I know you are a very busy individual this time of year, with the start off the 2019 campaign just a week away. Your news has filled my mouth with the bitter taste of disappointment, but copious amounts of bourbon will remedy that. I understand this is not your fault; nothing is enduring in the minor leagues. Sand castles last longer in hurricanes than promotional shirts in the South Atlantic League.

I am not really interested in a “Beer City” shirt because every city thinks it is Beer City. Why, my little burgh in the foothills of the San Bernardini Mountains has four breweries, all making outrageous claims. Any unemployed biologist these days who can front some capital can start churning out beer. I am interested in bidding on the jersey though because I collect jerseys, but most importantly, I am a great giver. What charity will “Beer City” support? And will the jerseys class with my natural golden highlights?

I completely understand that the Asheville Tourists possess the trademark for Thirsty Thursday, You see, Ron McKee is a bit of an idol of mine. The man pretty much saved minor league baseball in Asheville in the 1980’s, but across the country. Outside of Asheville, he is almost forgotten, but the minors were dying then until McKee’s revolutionary promotions were embraced by other teams.

While the Tourists have the trademark for Thirsty Thursdays, that does not necessarily mean they were the first organization to use this promotion, which actually originated on college campuses. As they say out West though, then the legend becomes fact, print the legend. McKee had the sense to trademark the expression, so that part of history belongs with him while the ghosts of Seals Stadium have no voice these days because of wrecking balls and the passing of time.

I will definitely take a picture next to Thirsty Thursday trademark though. BTW, what are beers going for these days at McCormick Field on Thirsty Thursday? The natives are restless at San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

Brandiose! Get out my head! When we were not solving the world’s problems between pitches this weekend at San Manuel Stadium, we were discussing if Brandiose had jumped the shark and was losing their touch (well, when we weren’t playing Gypsy Curse, a game were an angry gypsy puts some of her bad magic on you, and you can only talking in pop cultural references). Make no mistake, Jason and Casey are goddamned geniuses that completely changed the face of minor league marketing, making it big business. Almost all of their work is brilliant with a couple of misses along the way. I mean, even those guys cannot bat 1.000

However, one can only go to the same creative well so many times, and when a big part of your schtick is angry, cute things, well, eventually you are going to design a pissed off Sod Poodle or an ugly raccoon masquerading as a rocket panda. The bad ass, determined look is cool and all, but when every logo/promo across the league involves some bulked up scowling creature, then things start to blend. Brandiose designed the 5 O’clock Dock character for the Stockton Ports’ Asparagus Alternative Uniforms, which is basically a really mad longshoreman branding a giant asparagus as weapon. Eat you asparagus or get an ass whipping!

Your Collard Greens Dude is refreshing because he is smiling and not all about sharp angles to make him look tough. He looks like he is happy to be at the ballpark rather than waiting to shank someone in the parking lot over a minor league turf dispute. Plus, the color scheme is very, very crisp. I am glad that the merchandise is moving. Hopefully, you will ordering more.

The 66ers had their first Copa thingy last night. Last year, they had one of the most successful Copa programs, mainly because of the large Hispanic population in the area, and El Cucuys are poignant creatures in Hispanic culture — the monster under the bed type thing that scares the bejeezus out of little kids. However, the 66ers started running it into the ground, and they need to more than just play traditional Mexican music before the games to hold fan interest. Te paid attendance last night was over 3,800, but many people appeared to come get their Cucuy bobbleheads and leave.

Well, Opening Weekend is closing? Do you get to do this again in Hickory this week? I don’t realize Hickory s so far away from Kinston. That church bulletin promo they do on Sundays seems brilliant on paper, does it work?

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Viva PATOS JOYUYOS!

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

I hope Opening Weekend is going well for you. You guys led the Carolina League in attendance last night! Of course there were only two games because of inclimate weather, but technicalities do not matter in the minors. The weather looks better tonight, so hopefully some Pepsi guzzling fools will flock to Historic Grainger Stadium to chase that sugar high. Giving away t-shirts usually helps too.

The weather has put a damper on the start of the California League also. Only one game in the league has cracker 4,000 in attendance, and that was those fools in Lancaster who were hoping the fireworks would light the outfield wall on fire again. GM Joe of the 66ers was sort of grumpy last light. Not at me because I bring light to his world, but at his employees and life in general. I think he misses Bongwater. Some nights Bongwater used to sing.

It did not help that the bartender in the first base dugout bar (called The Garage because the 66ers are all about cars because of Route 66) dropped a full bottle of tequila shortly after the season ticket holders’ gate open at 5:30 PM. All that wasted liquor brought tears to our eyes, but we did not start sobbing until we found out were were being charged twelve bucks for a shot of Gentlemen’s Jack. We were strong soldiers though and had two!

I know this is your quiet time before the game when yo catch your breath, the time after the gates open, but before the National Anthem when you feel confident the fry cook isn’t going to light his hair on fire. Stay well and don’t forget to send fan pictures.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: My buddy Whiskey Jack bought a Woodies jersey the other night. The West Coast Movement grows!

Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager, Stockton Ports]:

I am writing to inquire if there are any plans to construct a statue in the likeness of Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports] in front of Banner Island Park anytime soon. This man appears to be the patron saint of customer service in the minor leagues, and your organization should recognize him. If a statue is not possible, you should at least slip him a bonus or put his picture on the wall in the employee break room. 

Yesterday I was at one of life’s nadirs, teetering on the brink of despair because I did not think I would have the proper California League gear for the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ home opener on April 11th. A minor league veteran like myself understands the importance of looking stellar on Opening Night, but as a new season ticket holder of the Quakes, I refuse to wear any of their bling because is quite hideous. I thought I was going not have to settle for something old, but as I was reaching to the aspirin bottle to kill the hangover from the Inland Empire 66ers’ Opening Night (San Manuel Stadium now has a full liquor license), Owen not only assured me that he could get my coveted shirt to me in time, but he shipped it that afternoon. Jeff Bezos should take note of Owen.

While I have not talked long to Owen because he is the model of efficiency, I believe we bonded well enough for me to understand that Owen is probably the modest type and would not want a great deal of attention brought to himself for his heroics. It is all in the line of duty for Owen, and leaping over tall buildings is just something the does in stride. Guys like Owen do not stay in the California League long, so enjoy him while you can.

I was not planning on traveling to Stockton for a game this season because of my planned Carolina League trip, but that zany Jeff Di Giorgio [Vice President of Sales, San Jose Giants] is adamant that I come to his stadium, so I am putting a Cal League road trip together. My fellow disciples refuse to drive to San Jose Stadium alone though (I believe the consensus was “Why are we going to that shithole?”), but they are very interested in the trip if a stop at Banner Island, the jewel of the California League, is involved. We do not have any firm dates because organization with this crew is like herding cats through sprinklers on a mouse farm. We know it cannot be Memorial Day weekend because that is the Beer Mile at San Manuel Stadium, and we have been training for that since college.

Perhaps when we firm up the dates, we can confirm with you and set top something discreet with Owen for recognition of his stellar work. I am thinking something like slamming some shots in your office like real minor league executives do when they greet road warriors from other lands.

I hope your 2019 attendance woes improve. 1,703 for a Friday night game. Ouch.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Ditch the “203 Tough” shirts. People all over California are going to laugh at those.

Dear Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks]:

Thank you for your response. As a grizzled veteran of the minor league circuit, I completely understand the insanity of opening week, especially when the week stats with April Fool’s Day. Life moves at you pretty fast in the California League — I believe Gandhi said that — or maybe if was Ferris Bueller. I often get those great men confused.

My situation was desperate, so yesterday I turned to Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports] to rescue me from the dire straits on which I had found myself. He stepped up and delivered, but hey you know, it is Stockton. What else did he have to do? It is not as if if was Asparagus Weekend. Still, what he did was amazing — real Darren Pitra [Director of Marketing, Quad City River Bandits] type hero stuff. Owen shipped me a Ports’ t-shirt yesterday afternoon, less than thirty minutes from my initial request. 

Have no fear though — I still want a JetHawks shirt to wear to a Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ game to sit in my season ticket seats on their first bobblehead night. Oh, how those long time Quakes’ fans will scowl, seeing someone with a Lancaster shirt getting one of their precious bobbleheads. Plus, a JetHawk is much cooler than a Port — their sailor dude in their logo looks live a very maladjusted sailor on leave who was ejected for a Singapore brothel. That city seems to have toughness issues. Why would a team want some mean dude as the face of their franchise? “Come to our ballpark and leave as pissed off as this guy!”

I know you are busy today so I will let you go for now. You guys were the first Cal League team to crack 4000 in single game attendance last night, so the Sugar Skull Bobblehead was a rousing success, plus the fireworks did not set the outfield wall on fire. Splendid night!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I went with the Copa Viento Nike Shirt because like the wind, I am free!