Dear Ms. Katie Woods [Assistant General Manager; Lancaster JetHawks]:
I must express my sincere gratitude for your quick delivery of my JetHawks shirt. Sending it Priority Mail was well above the call of duty, and I sincerely appreciate the effort. I regret being a bit late with my expression of gratitude, but the minor league season is off to a raucous start, and I pounced on the tail of that dragon this season. This is no excuse, but please accept my delayed gratitude and know that your parcel handily beat the one from Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports]. For this, I award you the Amanda McClain [Retail Supervisor; Delaware North Sportsservice] Outstanding Service Award.
If you have not heard of the most excellent Amanda McClain, well, she sets the bar for beyond excellent customer service. It is a great honor to be mentioned in the same breath as Amanda, but you have deserved it! That being said, I wore the shirt Owen sent me to the Quakes’ home opener rather than yours because he did act first. I plan on wearing your shirt to the first Storm game I am attending this weekend so those broken human beings who represent their fan base will think my crew is from Lancaster and will not send a posse of meth head vigilantes to Redlands looking for me.
I was sorry to see the foul weather wreaked some havoc on your attendance this past weekend. Hopefully the Michelada Festival at the end of the month will make up for that. That is something I would really like to attend, especially since I am pretty sure my father invented Michelada’s decades ago as a hangover cure. He just called them Bloody Beers though, which of course, is a complete marketing failure. The Henley Hoodie Giveaway looks intriguing also because I am confident I would look smashing in one of those. Unfortunately, my social calendar is booked that weekend though, and I am a man who honors commitments.
I am going to have cut this short because I am typing this from my phone at LoanMart Field while waiting in a very long beer line, and I am finally nearing the front of the line. Professional Sports Catering has failed me again.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Mongolian Metal Night! Make it happen!