I Inform Wade About Tin Tits

Dear Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads]:

History was made this weekend, but it will most certainly be dwarfed by Tiger Wood’s Masters victory. Last night, for what I am pretty sure was the first time ever, a Woodies jersey was worn in Dodger Stadium. I must say, I looked really good wearing that jersey, and the Dodgers’ faithful were swooning every time I walked up the aisle to go to the restroom, which was a great deal because the beer was flowing last night. However, our successes on the Western Front are not much more than moral victories as the real war has been waging at Historic Grainger Stadium.

As you certainly know, 16% of your home games for the 2019 season are now complete. While the sample size is small, I think it is safe to say that the Wood Ducks are not going to lead the league in attendance in 2019, something that will not change until the Texas Rangers build the city of Kinston a brand new stadium an a large manufacturing plant that builds THE FUTURE. Until then, well, you take the small victories and build upon them. 

Good news! Your home opener was up 17% from 2018. Only three other Carolina League teams had higher tickets sold this year from 2018 (Wilmington, Frederick, and Salem), and your organization had the highest increase. While weather certainly played a factor, I am going to take the liberty to say the primary reason for this increase was your dedication and brilliance — and the fact your organization cleaned up that online merchandise presentation.  Yes Wade, I noticed that, and the new merchandise pops with the improved presentation.

The talk of the Carolina League this week will be the ‘Peckers stadium opener, even though the outside of the stadium looks like 1980’s Beirut, and word on the street is that Mayor Mitch had to grease an inspector’s palms to get a permit to ensure the soft opener went on a planned.  The ‘Peckers introduced their new mascot at the soft opening, a creature named bunker who wears clothing a bit too tight, undoubtedly too overcompensate for a tiny male appendage.

Sometimes the baseball gods give us gifts completely out of the blue. Wade, the ‘Peckers named their mascot after a general who had the nickname “Tin Tits”. Yes, General Matthew Bunker Ridgeway was a legendary bad ass, but naming a mascot after a guy was called Tin Tits is a precarious decision in this brave new world of social media. Imagine the fun that Carolina League fans can have with this. 

I believe a showdown between DEWD and Tin Tits is inevitable. The ‘Peckers are going not do everything to avoid this because mascot uniforms are expensive, and they want that fresh whiteness to last through August. They will certainly ignore any overtures for a rumble, which plays into the Wood Ducks’ hands as your fans can label Tin Tits a pacifist, which will not sit well in a military town. Oh, they will not be happy with Wood Ducks fans, but those guys are not going to make the 83 mile drive out to Kinston. Instead, they will pressure Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] and his bosses to have Tin Tits enter hand to hand combat with DEWD.

Now for the good part, the type marketing genius I should be paid handsomely one day when a minor league team signs me to a contract once I retire from the teaching profession. Schedule the throw down on a Patos Joyuyos game, and have Lucha Libre wresting and make the mascots the main event. That deafening roar you are hearing right now? Those are cash registers singing at the top of their lungs. Sometime I give myself goosebumps.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Mongolian Metal Night! Embrace it.

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