I Give Austin Some Tips about Tin Tits

Dear Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers]:

It has been a very long time since we have communicated, but please know that you and the Woodpeckers have never really left my heart. I see the inside of your stadium is very close to being complete while the outside is still a magnificent work in progress. The inside looks absolutely amazing, and I cannot wait until my visit this July. I am glad your soft opening was successful, and I hope Mayor Mitch did not have to grease too many palms to get the proper permits to allow fans in the stadium.

I also witnessed the introduction of your outstanding new mascot, Bunker. You might not know this about me, but it has been said I am hypercritical of minor league mascots, imposing unreachable standards on the costumed folk who provide us in game entertainment to distract us from the sometimes poor play on the field. Bunker passes my rigorous standards, and I tip my hat to your organization. I cannot wat to see Bunker embark on strafing runs throughout Segra Stadium – and BEYOND.

I do have one bit of advice for you guys though – you named Bunker after a distinguished general who had the nickname of both “Tin Tits” and “Old Iron Tits”. In this age of social media, opposing fans and internet trolls might have a field day with the tits monikers, so I would suggest you be very proactive. General Ridgway earned those nicknames because he always had two grenades pinned to his chest. I strongly you suggest you add grenades to Bunker’s chest before any internet wisenhammers start running amok with this knowledge. Just imagine how badass Bunker will look with two grenades on his chest! Plus, for shits and giggles he can toss then above the crowd and confetti can explode with a delightful boom!

Be advised that other organizations are going to challenge Bunker to combat. Aggressively answer these calls lest Bunker be labeled a pacifist. Besides, have you seen the Carolina League mascots? Bunker can easily whup all of them. In fact, he would be doing society a great favor if he used that DEWD thing’s face an eraser. That is one creepy fellow that could give Stephen King night terrors. If those upstarts down east challenge your mascot to some Mexican style wrestling, seize the day and beat some ass. And down the road, get Bunker two little sidekicks named Pyro and Napalm. They can ignite rallies on the dugout with aerosol cans and a lighter. Oh, how the fans will cheer!

Oh, one other piece of advice: during the soft opening, your guys allowed Ms. Victoria Huggins [Manager, Community & Media Relations; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] to walk on the infield in high heels. Silly ‘Peckers! You just evoked a horrible curse from the baseball gods by doing that. There are no heels in baseball, Austin!  I know you only have a few days until the stadium opener, but you are going to have to demolish the stadium and start over. You might get away with sacrificing a live chicken or hobo, but only before Opening Night.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Because I know you have misses this: “Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker!”

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