Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager, Stockton Ports]:
I am writing to inquire if there are any plans to construct a statue in the likeness of Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales & Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports] in front of Banner Island Park anytime soon. This man appears to be the patron saint of customer service in the minor leagues, and your organization should recognize him. If a statue is not possible, you should at least slip him a bonus or put his picture on the wall in the employee break room.
Yesterday I was at one of life’s nadirs, teetering on the brink of despair because I did not think I would have the proper California League gear for the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ home opener on April 11th. A minor league veteran like myself understands the importance of looking stellar on Opening Night, but as a new season ticket holder of the Quakes, I refuse to wear any of their bling because is quite hideous. I thought I was going not have to settle for something old, but as I was reaching to the aspirin bottle to kill the hangover from the Inland Empire 66ers’ Opening Night (San Manuel Stadium now has a full liquor license), Owen not only assured me that he could get my coveted shirt to me in time, but he shipped it that afternoon. Jeff Bezos should take note of Owen.
While I have not talked long to Owen because he is the model of efficiency, I believe we bonded well enough for me to understand that Owen is probably the modest type and would not want a great deal of attention brought to himself for his heroics. It is all in the line of duty for Owen, and leaping over tall buildings is just something the does in stride. Guys like Owen do not stay in the California League long, so enjoy him while you can.
I was not planning on traveling to Stockton for a game this season because of my planned Carolina League trip, but that zany Jeff Di Giorgio [Vice President of Sales, San Jose Giants] is adamant that I come to his stadium, so I am putting a Cal League road trip together. My fellow disciples refuse to drive to San Jose Stadium alone though (I believe the consensus was “Why are we going to that shithole?”), but they are very interested in the trip if a stop at Banner Island, the jewel of the California League, is involved. We do not have any firm dates because organization with this crew is like herding cats through sprinklers on a mouse farm. We know it cannot be Memorial Day weekend because that is the Beer Mile at San Manuel Stadium, and we have been training for that since college.
Perhaps when we firm up the dates, we can confirm with you and set top something discreet with Owen for recognition of his stellar work. I am thinking something like slamming some shots in your office like real minor league executives do when they greet road warriors from other lands.
I hope your 2019 attendance woes improve. 1,703 for a Friday night game. Ouch.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Ditch the “203 Tough” shirts. People all over California are going to laugh at those.