Introducing Myself to the Hickory Crawdads

Dear Chris Dillon [Director of Promotions & Community Relations Hickory Crawdads]:

I hope the new season finds you well as you prepare for your home opener this Thursday. As an unofficial assistant to numerous minor league executives, I have a question about your Church Bulletin Sunday promotion. Does it work? Do church goers fill the stadium on a Sunday afternoon? And you do recycle all these bulletins, or do they sit molting in a trash fill? And how do you ensure there is no church bulletin fraud? Suppose a rather bold hobo went to a local a grabbed a stack of bulletins, then passed them out in his camp? You can never be too careful these days.

You know what would be another great Sunday promotion? Day Drinking Sunday. Your church goers might not like it, but have a Resist Temptation section in an outfield bleacher section away from the taps. However, there really is not many things better than day drinking on a Sunday while watching baseball. Well, the Indy 500 is, but that is the greatest spectacle in racing and only happens once a year. I have been told that there are some wonderful craft breweries in your area, but I do not think they are union shops, plus craft beer can make you fat. However, everyone should have the choice to drink what they want, so make all the beer cheap and keep it flowing.

I see your organization is having a Mother/Son Date Night in July. While there is not much stronger than the bond between a mother and her son, I would strongly advise dropping the “Date” part of that promotion to avoid ridicule on social media. You can still promote mother and son coming to the game together; just do not call it a date. When Child Protective Services is interested in your promotions, the is usually a sign a re-tooling is in order.

Hey, I bet you did not know I was the President/Dictator of the Southern California Down East Wood Ducks Backers, Sons of Vengeance Chapter. It is kind of a long story of how this came to be, and I do not want to drop any names, but Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] has invited me to Kinston to throw out a first pitch in my Woodies’ jersey and Patos Joyuyos hat. It does not look like I can see a game in Hickory this trip, but I will be passing through town from Asheville (Ms. Sam Fischer [Director of Marketing & Fan Relations; Asheville Tourists] wants me to stop by and take a picture with her in front of their Thirsty Thursday trademark). Perhaps I can stop by the stadium, and we can pound some Jungle Juice in the team store like real minor league executives do.

I hope everything is in order for your home opener, and things go smoothly this week with good weather. Remember, it is never too late to have a Mongolian Metal Night.

Your friend in baseball,


PS: How come Mark and Douglas wear t-shirts under their polos?

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