Dead Religions

Dear George Bateman [Ticket Operations Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers:

Hello, old friend. I know it has been a while since we have talked, but we have passed each other in the stadium many time and really do not need to speak. I do not really have time for pleasantries because as we race towards Memorial Day Weekend, the season has reached critical mass. While the General Manager has been off accepting awards in stylish burgundy suit, attendance at San Manuel Stadium has gone the way of Jon Heder’s career. The 66ers are currently fourth in attendance in the California League this season, even behind the wretched and incompetent Quakes.

It is imperative that the 66ers have a solid draw at the gate this holiday weekend, but starting off with a 1,428 draw for a Thirty Thursday is worrisome. I know the weather was not conducive to drawing large crowds, but it was prime California drinking weather, yet very few people showed up to drink, usually an indication that drink prices are too high. Remember, if you slash beer prices, they will come.

Before we can address the attendance problems, we need to talk about fixing your organization’s webpage. The Stats and Scores column is missing, so it is impossible to track how the team is doing through your website. This is kind of a BIG FUCKING OOPS. Perhaps management does not want the public to see just how bad of a hitting team this group of baseball rejects really is (team OPS .592), but come on man, this is baseball. Easy access to stats is imperative in these troubled times. I beg you to talk to someone to fix this mess immediately.

Now let’s talk improving attendance. El Cucuy Nights would be much popular say if something actually happened, like a monster chasing someone across the field. Maybe El Cucuy race against the little kid in the Mascot Race, but instead of losing in some comical fashion like Bernie does every single night, El Cucuy trounces the kid, then chases to kid into the outfield, scaring the bejeezus out of the kid and parents. The look of horror on all parties’ faces will be an internet sensation – just make sure you have the parents sign a waiver before the race.

Remember George, this is San Bernardino. Dismay and dread is how most people get through the day. Another fun thing to do would be to have an El Cucuy crouching on a shitter, waiting for an unsuspecting rube to open the door to scare the shit out of him. Literally. On El Cucuy Nights, San Manuel Stadium should be transformed into a haunted house type atmosphere. Fear is never boring.

The 66ers crack creative team will not even have to work too hard – just rip off the plot lines of horror movies. Jason can chase Freddy Krueger in the concourse as the start of a vicious game of king of the mountain that El Cucuy eventually wins. Everyone can celebrate by burning Edward Scissorhands in effigy. It is all good, clean fun except for the people shitting themselves in the bathroom – that is just fun.

You could greatly improve attendance on Sundays by doing similar things with religious prophets. Imagine a mascot race against Little Baby Jesus! The kids would not even cry when they lost because there lost to the Son of God. “It’s okay, Darling; you lost to the Christ Child” beaming parents would say on the wat to the ice cream stand. Moses would be a wealth of between inning promotions, including Commandment juggling on the dugouts.

The 66ers are just punting on most Mondays through Wednesdays. Perhaps you should suggest Monopoly Mondays to your bosses, and start with Free Parking. Tie in the railroads with San Bernardino history. I do not really know where to take it from there because I am not much of a board game player, but GM Joe pays certain people to brainstorm ideas. Now that Aris Theofanopoulos has left the building, someone needs to step it up.

That someone could be you.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Jerry Mac [Yellow Crayons Graphic Designs Shop; Fayetteville, NC]:

I apologize for my delay in sending you a detailed response to your fantastic picture of the “Fear the Wood! Respect The ‘Pecker!” t-shirt. I have been busy building an ark as it has not stopped raining in California since the bottle of Angel’s Envy on my desk was full. For discussion’s sake, let’s say last Wednesday. I know that natural disasters that cause hobos to float down major thoroughfares really should not hinder a discussion about one of the greatest t-shirts to ever be created, so please understand going forward you have my full atten – hey look, there is an airplane in the sky!

V1.0 of the shirt truly does look outstanding. The bat as an exclamation point is a subtle plus, and the shirt gets the message across without even hinting of a copyright infringement that would earn your business a quick cease and desist letter from the Fayetteville ‘Pecker lawyers when the throngs of fans wearing the shirt start entering the stadium. The lettering is not an affront to the eyes, like the atrocity known as Comic Sans, but it clearly allows the slogan to speak rather than the font. The coloring is just about perfect.

I cannot wait to see v.2.0 which I assume will have the red cockayed woodpecker on the back. I have been giving a great deal of thought to that ‘Pecker, and I am wondering just how bad ass it would look if that little ‘Pecker were dropping a napalm stream on the opposing Carolina League mascots and a mayor who oppose the funding of a Civil War museum. Imagine DEWD of the Down East Ducks, Mr. Celery of the Wilmington Bluestones, and Mayor Mitch getting torched from the sky. Throw a random dinosaur on there, and every kid in Fayetteville will be clamoring to get one.

Of course, the napalm might be a bridge too far, and detract from the overall theme of the shirt. I mean, we want the shirt to be taken seriously, and a T-Rex and Mugsy the lovable St Bernard of the Salem Beer Mongers scurrying to escape of wall of fire might make people forget about fearing the wood and respecting the wood. Sure, a great many people through the Carolinas and Virginia want to see Mugsy roast, but perhaps that idea is best saved for another t-shirt. This is why I defer to your expert judgment.

Have you been to a game yet at Segra Stadium? I am curious to how long the beer lines are since Professional Sports Catering is in charge of concessions, and those guys have a reputation for being real dillfucks when it comes to making people wait in line for their beer.

Again thank you for embracing this endeavor. I am very pleased with your initial results and am greatly looking forward to seeing the next step in your creation.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:

I am sorry I missed you last weekend on my trip to that beacon of prosperity known as Stockton last weekend. As you know, the series was rained out, which means I drove a long way to watch a Warriors’ playoff game in an empty bar with some bartenders that were almost certainly prostitutes, giving new meaning to the term “tip jar.” It would have been nice to meet up and exchange some minor league war stories, but you did not respond to my overtures, so I drank with some dude named Peacock instead.

I will admit I was initially a little bit hurt at your rebuffs, even though I am a wizened minor league journeyman who understands the responsibilities and commitments of the job. I was taking your silence personally until I saw the hobo encampment in the bushes beyond right field along the waterfront, and I realized you probably had more important thing to worry about than hanging out with the social event of the minor leagues (me). I wondered briefly if I should march into the encampment to see if you had been abducted since it is dangerously close to what appears to be the employee parking lot, but I decided this really was not my fight, and I might miss the Star Wears jerseys.

I will say this, after peering through your locked gates, Banner Island Ballpark certainly offers things that other Cal League seats do not. I do worry about the adequacy of the scoreboard though. I was also a bit concerned with the unhealthy breakfasts for employees were showing to work with on Sunday morning. I am sure a couple of them were viciously hungover, and while Dean Wormer was incorrect when he said, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life,” you might want to counsel your underlings on the importance of a healthy breakfast.

As you should know, your Stockton Ports travel to San Manuel Stadium this weekend after they are done playing in front of the speed freaks in Lake Elsinore. It is going to be a pretty wild weekend at the best stadium in the California League. For starters, it will have something your place did not: good weather accompanied by gentle sunshine. Secondly, Friday is El Cucuy Night, which is one of the top tier Copa La Diversion identities, and the night is a double header to make up one of the games your organization lost due to inclement weather. El Cucuy is the boogeyman that permeates Mexican culture in a way like leprechauns tango with the American Irish, but a bit more sinister, but not as creepy as drunk Uncle Seamus wanting you to sit on his lap during the parade.

Saturday is one of the High Holy Days of minor league baseball as the Beer Mile will be completed after the game. To ensure there will be record vomiting, the 66ers have paired this with California Burrito Night, which are carne asada burritos stuffed with French fries, guacamole, and sour cream. It is also a Mike Trout Bobblehead Giveaway, but that will pale in comparison to my American Gothic Bobblehead last week in Fresno. Sunday is Who The Fuck Cares Day as no one goes to games on Sunday, especially on the day of the Indy 500.

Anyway, I hope you make the trip down this weekend. The 66ers sure could use your attendance as their numbers are slumping for a myriad of reasons. When you order a shot at the bar, the better value is to order a double. The booze will be flowing this weekend because that is what we do down here on Memorial Day Weekend after we are done with all our retail shopping.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sam Hansen [Director, Marketing Creative; Fresno Grizzlies]:

Imagine my chagrin when I arrived to your fine stadium last Friday night and discovered it was not Growler Night, but Grower Night! Holy Ghost of Tom Joad, what a blunder on my part. I also spelled you surname incorrectly in my first missive, and I apologize for that. As you well know though, stuff like that happens in the minor leagues, and we can only go forward because there is no going back.

We really did enjoy the ambiance of Chukchansi Park as the 12,000 really seemed to be enjoying themselves rather than grumpily eating steaming hot bowls of phlegm like one might see the Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ fan base do. The tri-tip throwdown was amazing, and one did not have to wait in the extremely long and slow Professional Sports Catering lines. The concourse was truly a place where my traveling companion, Peacock, had room to fly. The bar in left field is outstanding, although the set up for your employees there leaves a great deal to be desired. Overall though, I had such a positive experience that I changed my rankings of Pacific Coast League parks I have visited:

Bads85’s new ranking of PCL Parks in terms of AMBIANCE:

El Paso

Memphis

OKC

Round Rock

Fresno

Albuquerque

Sacramento

Reno

SLC

San Antonio

Tacoma

New Orleans

Colorado Springs (no longer AAA0

I will be going to Las Vegas and Nashville later this season, so I will pass along further updates when they become available.

I do have some questions after visiting your park:

1. I saw two tractors on opposite side of the concourse. Do they ever race, say like before the gate open? Just a few employees standing around, placing bets, then then someone drops their arm, and the tractors tear through the concourse.
2. Why have you not built a statue of Michael Baker yet? The man slashed beer prices and made the left field pavilion a destination spot. Erect a statue! Make sure you put it inside the gates though so no hobos will molest it. 
3. Speaking of hobos, Fresno is full of them. Do you guys ever just turn on the fountains in right field, open the gate, and let those poor folk bathe? I am sure studies will indicate that a clean homeless population leads to economic growth.
4. Any chance of the team store getting some Grizzlies’ shot glasses? This is very important if you want to expand your brand. Adam Franey [former Director of Promotions; Inland Empire 66ers] found this out too late and now he works for a macro beer company. Sometimes I miss Adam.
5. I see the Taco Truck Throwdown is on August 17th, and the team will be in Tacoma. As the immortal Pepper Brooks once said, “That is a bold strategy, Cotton.” Having a promotion while the team is on the road is mad genius, kind of like early Duran Duran before that “Wild Boys” bullshit. 

Anyway, I hope to make it back to Fresno this summer for another game, but I do have so many more commitments because I am a guy in high demand. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Sam Hansen [Director, Marketing Creative; Fresno Grizzlies]:

Good day, sir. It is a pleasure to be communicating with a minor league legend, and I know you’re a very busy individual filled with creative genius (I mean, you are the guy who invented the Taco Truck Throwdown), but I am coming to your stadium this weekend and have a few quick questions about the promotions Friday night. Normally, I do not venture to AAA games because if I wanted to see taxi squads compete, I would journey to a large metropolitan airport with briefcases of cash and demand the fastest one way trip ride to Las Vegas.

You see, while I am a minor league lifer who is a smoke jumpier in the devil’s arcade, I normally stick to the lower levels where the sheep are not so nervous and other furry creatures do not walk backwards in a human’s presence, especially after that incident in El Paso a few years back. Sure, the local authorities’ official story was that was a fox squirrel, but I know a javelina when I see it. But I digress. I am kind of a big thing in the lower minors because I travel from park to park, offering advice on how to improve customer service and entertainment value all while educating the fan bases on the nuances of minor league baseball. Later this summer, I will be heading to the Carolina League to help those poor savages, but first I am heading up the Great Agriculture Highway to Stockton this weekend for their Stormtrooper jersey night, and we are going to visit your park because no sane person would spend two consecutive days in Stockton.

So Friday night at your park is Fresno Growlers’ Night. Your website does realty explain what that entails, so now we come to the question part of my missive:
1. Is this some of chugging contest? I am not very good at that.

2.Do we just purchase Fresno Growlers and fill them at the stadium? Are there other places in town that fill them? Are we allowed to leave the stadium with full growlers? How stringent is the open container enforcement in your fair city?

3.Will we have the opportunity to fill the growlers with solid, union made beers like Natty Light or Milwaukee’s Best, or do we have to stick with that expensive craft beer?

4. Do you serve Ballast Point products at your stadium? I have a friend who is some sort of weirdo who thinks society should no longer consume Ballast Point products because they sold out to MACROBEER. He is not coming on this trip, but I like to send him pictures of Ballast Point products being served at large venues to remind him what a complete failure he is.

5. The American Gothic Bobblehead is absolute genius. However, the sections where those tickets are offered are peasant seats. Can one purchase the bobblehead seats, then upgrade?

6.Can anyone in my party get those Child ID bracelets in case we get separated. We could put the hotel address on them for the Uber/Lyft driver.

7.How cool is your bar? It really is not marketed too well on your website. You might want to put an underling on that task. Are shots served there? Can our underage designated driver enter? She is probably the most mature one in our party (she is my daughter).

8. Speaking of my daughter, if you can spare the time, I would really be honored if you talked to her about her career. She is all hellbent on going to an Ivy League school, then going onto medical school. Unfortunately, she has the GPA/SAT scores/class ranking, and determination to do just that instead of pursuing a more fulfilling career in a minor league front office. You do you best to raise your kids to make the correct choices, but sometimes they are stubborn. Maybe if she saw how the minors have treated you, she would modify her career goals. What would really impress her is if we did a couple of Prairie Fire shots in your office around the third inning.

9. Are the agricultural uniforms for sale to the general public? I am not sure if I want one yet, but as a consumer, I like having options.

10. My good friend Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] really wants a picture of the two of us. He is pretty much a genius also (he is letting me throw out a first pitch at a Woodies’ game later this summer), so I hope we can make him happy, plus I can use it for leverage with the Elmore Sports Mafia to get paid what I deserve. Right now, I am the unofficial assistant to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] only because contract negotiations have stalled.
11. One last question: I am the creator of one of the greatest minor league battle cries ever. Last winter, the Fayetteville Woodpeckers were in the midst of their rebranding, and I suggested they just go with the ‘Peckers because no one fears a woodpecker, but people respect a ‘Pecker. That morphed into “Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!”, which as your shrewd mind instantly realized, is a cash cow. Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] loved the idea, but the big brass thought it would violate some family values code and have suppressed this sure money maker. A local graphic design shop in Fayetteville partnered with me to design from shirts, but I think the ‘Peckers big brass sent some goons to their shop to make them cease and desist. I am not asking you to design the shirts because you are a busy man, but since the team colors are back and red, what primary color would you choose to be on the bulk of the shirts?

Anyway, I hope to see you this weekend. I hope the beer lines are short, but since your organization contracted their concessions to Professional Sports Catering, I will expect long, slow lines complete with a slave master cracking a whip.

Your friend in baseball,
Bads85

PS: Is the residue from those smelly Giants’ fans eradicated from your stadium yet?

Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:

It has been a while since we corresponded, but I am the guy who immediately recognized the brilliance of Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales and Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports]. I am sure he is quickly climbing up the minor league ladder, soon to be assuming the role of an assistant general manager very soon. I hope the sudden rise to greatness does not make Owen forget his humble roots and the little people that helped him along the way.

I am sorry for my lack of correspond this season, but I am a busy guy, and to be frank, the California League North does not really inspire me. I did think of you and Owen briefly when The Ports came to San Bernardino last weekend, but there was some really strange shit afloat at San Manuel Stadium, so you sort of drifted from my mind. You know it is going to be a crazy weekend at the park when you arrive to the stadium to find some crazed, old white haired dude with a Delorean on the sidewalk by the main gate, and stadium employees ensuring the crowd that police are on the way.

I do have some exciting news: I am making the drive north this weekend to Stockton for your Star Wars Night on Saturday as the promise of Stormtrooper jerseys is just too much to resist. I am looking forward to absorbing in the splendor of Banner Island Park while mingling with the local fans and sharing the oral tradition of the Cal League. As it has been a while since I have been there, I do have a few questions:

1. I am planning on staying at the University Plaza Waterfront Hotel because it is close to the stadium. However, it is safe to walk from the park to the hotel, or will I be accosted by legions of hobos looking for money for their cheap wine and meth? Do you have other recommendations for lodging?
2. Is there a bicycle taxi service between the hotel and the park? I have found that hobos usually will not chase bikes. The mean ones will, but they will chase anything. If there is not a bicycle taxi service, maybe you can put Owen on it to remind him he is not an assistant general manager quite yet.
3. Is there a place in the park where my friend and I can drink shots? Will it be more expensive than the hotel bar? Price really does not matter, but it would be cool to take the bicycle taxi back to the hotel bar for a quick shot in the third inning, then back to the park, especially if Owen is pedaling.
4. I just checked the weather forecast, and much to my dismay, it is supposed to rain Saturday night. I do not think I could live with the pain of driving all the way to Stockton to be denied a game by a rainout. If the game is called, can we sit in the stadium and drink some beer, pretending there is a game. Maybe Owen and another underling can play catch so we can hear the pop of the glove. Oh, the PA music should be blaring too – the good stuff, not the stuff for the ignorant masses. If you would like, I could make a killer playlist as that is one of my many talents.
5. Can I be an honorary Anchor Club member? I feel I have sort of earned it, being one of minor league baseball’s greatest ambassadors.
6. I see coolers and outside beverages are not allowed in the park, but I see nothing about firearms. Do people come to your games packing heat? Because that would certainly alter the way we heckle.
7. Speaking of heckling, how would you rate the heckling atmosphere at Banner Island Park? Is the home team off limits, or is it a mad free for all like middle school dodgeball? Are there any sacred cows?
8. Since this is a walking park, where is the best place to sit? Where are the shortest beer lines?

I am sure I will have other questions before my arrival because my mind never really stops. I understand you will probably be busy and may not be able to share stories of the road during the game, but perhaps after the game you can tell me what is like to run a team in the other city in California that filed bankruptcy.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: They cracked the Voynich Code! Have Owen come up with a promotion for that.

Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:

I have some outstanding news: I will definitely be attending a Wilmington Blue Rocks game this July as the Epic Carolina League Road Trip transitions into the NY Penn League Run to Shelter Road Trip. The only question now is will the game be before or after we march on New Jersey like General Sir Henry Clinton did in the Revolutionary War. Yes, I will be making it to Daniel S. Frawley Stadium because there should be a bobblehead waiting for me — you know, the Walt Goodman Dodgeball Bobblehead that I have coveted since the bitter darkness of winter.

I am targeting either the July 3rd or one of the games on the homestead the next week, depending on the answers you have to the following questions:

1. Do you have Thirsty Thursdays, or does Dogfish Head have some tight gripped monopoly on the night? I am sure $3.00 Dogfish’s are wonderful, but Thirsty Thursdays are the backbone of the minor leagues, and it is not the same as Beer 30 Night, which sounds like a rejected Jimmy Buffet lyric that Brooks and Dunn recorded. I hope you have not sold out Thirsty Thursdays to a corporate non union sponsor, especially one that just merged with those Samuel Adams frauds.
2. These Little League nights — are those little plate breakers and curtain climbers kept on a leash or in a pen? And what Little Leagues are still playing in July? Or is this one of those things where any child in his/her uniform shows up, they get in free? I hope these beasts are kept in the cheap seats.
3. I see Wednesdays are $2.00 Miller Lite nights from 5:30-7:00 PM, which is something I can get fully behind. How much are those beers after 7:00 PM? Do you sell hard liquor at your stadium? I have been known to drink shots at ballgames. Does security frisk for flasks? If so, their hands will not linger too long on sensitive areas, right?
4. Will the Moon Landing t-shirt on July 13th giveaway have the correct date, which is July 20th? Are 1000 enough? As you know, t-shirts are cheaper in bulk. What color will the shirt be?
5. What are the chances you get me a media pass just so I feel official? Perhaps you can mail it to me before my trip commences so I can use it in other parks.
6. I see for a fee, one can throw out the first pitch. How much is this fee? Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood ducks and Hickory Crawdads] is letting me do it for free out of professional respect. While you and I do not have that sort of relationship yet, I bet you could get me on that mound. I would be forever grateful, especially since I could use it to get on the mound in Fayetteville and Salem.
7. This Bluewinkle Diamond Club… is it pricey enough to keep out the riff raff? Are steamed clams and mussels on the menu? Can one get a good scotch in there? Natty Light?
8. Your luxury suites are incredibly inexpensive, which makes me wonder if they have private bathrooms. I’ve been told that at certain Carolina League stadia, fans just shit on the floor. That is not the case in Wilmington, correct?
9. Is there a dry cleaners or laundry mat near the stadium? Do you have a lackey or intern that could do my family’s laundry while we watch the game?
10. Will I be awarded early entrance to the stadium like full season ticket holders?

BTW, I am making the trip up north this weekend for some Cal League action. Stockton is wearing Stormtrooper uniforms for their Star Wars Night. We are supposed to make it to San Jose, but the city is charging $15.00 to park this season, which is an affront to everything decent in minor league baseball. Now wonder the Giants are last in the league in attendance.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: I assume that Blockbuster video cards are acceptable means of payment at your concession stands.

Dear Kayla Keegan | Merchandise & Special Events Manager | Salem Red Sox

Dear Jerry McDonald {Yellow Crayons Graphic Designs Shop; Fayetteville, NC]:

I hope all is well with you, but fear you might have run afoul of the Morality Goons who wish to ensure Peckerville never rises. I mean, we were all set to make you boatloads of money, like Korean coal tanker type amounts of cash, but you have dropped off the radar this week. Perhaps you have gone underground, chased by dangerous purists backed by faceless corporate money. Perhaps they reached you already, scaring you into silence. Perhaps your corpse is rotting in a landfill. Perhaps you are just on a wicked cocaine bender, washing that blow down with scotch and shots of gorilla pukes like real graphic designers are prone to do. Or perhaps you just think that Bads85 might be a little bit dangerous, unhinged in a scary sort of way.

I will tell you this, Jerry. I wake up every morning feeling dangerous these days — that is just the Cleveland Browns’ fan in me. It is a curse, passed on from generation to generation, but that really does not have much to do with our possible business venture. Plus, I really want those shirts. I mean, I could get them made at any t-shirt place, but I do not want to step on the turf of the genius behind Peckerville — professional courtesy and all. 

If you do not want to go forward with the shirts, I understand and will find someone else. When I am in Fayetteville later this summer in July, I will stop by the Yellow Crayon and purchase a “Peckerville” shirt — I will be wearing my “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!” shirt , and most likely have a legion of fans following me like I am a prophet of something. Maybe we will chit chat. My wife says I am the Forrest Gump of the minor leagues, but deep down she is excited that she is married to a smoke jumper of the Devil’s Arcade.

If you want to get busy designing shirts and making enough money to pay for Elizabeth Warren’s college debt forgiveness, well, let’s start taking. I have other ideas also — big ideas, but let’s start with this very nice sounding slogan: “Fear the Wood! Respect the Pecker!”

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

Dear Wondrous People of Fayetteville, North Carolina:

It appears that there are those who would like to divide our strong community over the use of the term ‘Pecker is regards to the new baseball team in town. When most people think of ‘Peckers, they think of the red-cockaded woodpeckers indigenous to the reason. For others, their minds make the leap to the Island of Vulgarity as they unwittingly let slip a very telling confession about the dark corners of their minds. The ‘Peckers are not something to be feared; they are to be celebrated in all their glory, a source of civic pride that will stand tall for generations. 

However, certain close minded individuals see concupiscence in every corner, and these people wish to impose their ideals on us all. If we allow them to take away certain liberties with our ‘Peckers, where will they stop? Make no mistake, these fascist power grabs disguised as morality pleas will not stop with our ‘Peckers. Why, they might try to take our wood also! Once they take our wood, well, they will own our souls.

Where is our fearless Mayor Mitch Colvin in this time of crises? Our ‘Pecker Nation turns its lonely eyes to him, and all we see is $10.00 down parking on game day. Instead of taking swipes at history museums, he should investigate how to protect our ‘Peckers’ freedoms from certain members of our community who do not properly respect the ‘Pecker.

We cannot with for leadership that might never come. St. Dymphna is not walking through those stadium gates anytime soon. We must take it upon ourselves to rise in unison against the forces that would rend from us what we hold dear. I must stress retaliating with violence is not the answer. When confronted with those who want to strip our ‘Peckers from us, we must restrain the urge to hit them in their faces with our wood. Hugs are the path to ensuring our ‘Peckers are forever strong. When confronted with hate, offer love (except to the pervs). It is the ‘Pecker way.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85