A Letter to the Fayetteville Observer

Dear Wondrous People of Fayetteville, North Carolina:

It appears that there are those who would like to divide our strong community over the use of the term ‘Pecker is regards to the new baseball team in town. When most people think of ‘Peckers, they think of the red-cockaded woodpeckers indigenous to the reason. For others, their minds make the leap to the Island of Vulgarity as they unwittingly let slip a very telling confession about the dark corners of their minds. The ‘Peckers are not something to be feared; they are to be celebrated in all their glory, a source of civic pride that will stand tall for generations. 

However, certain close minded individuals see concupiscence in every corner, and these people wish to impose their ideals on us all. If we allow them to take away certain liberties with our ‘Peckers, where will they stop? Make no mistake, these fascist power grabs disguised as morality pleas will not stop with our ‘Peckers. Why, they might try to take our wood also! Once they take our wood, well, they will own our souls.

Where is our fearless Mayor Mitch Colvin in this time of crises? Our ‘Pecker Nation turns its lonely eyes to him, and all we see is $10.00 down parking on game day. Instead of taking swipes at history museums, he should investigate how to protect our ‘Peckers’ freedoms from certain members of our community who do not properly respect the ‘Pecker.

We cannot with for leadership that might never come. St. Dymphna is not walking through those stadium gates anytime soon. We must take it upon ourselves to rise in unison against the forces that would rend from us what we hold dear. I must stress retaliating with violence is not the answer. When confronted with those who want to strip our ‘Peckers from us, we must restrain the urge to hit them in their faces with our wood. Hugs are the path to ensuring our ‘Peckers are forever strong. When confronted with hate, offer love (except to the pervs). It is the ‘Pecker way.

Your friend in baseball,


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