Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:
It has been a while since we corresponded, but I am the guy who immediately recognized the brilliance of Owen Hopkins [Ticket Sales and Merchandise Executive; Stockton Ports]. I am sure he is quickly climbing up the minor league ladder, soon to be assuming the role of an assistant general manager very soon. I hope the sudden rise to greatness does not make Owen forget his humble roots and the little people that helped him along the way.
I am sorry for my lack of correspond this season, but I am a busy guy, and to be frank, the California League North does not really inspire me. I did think of you and Owen briefly when The Ports came to San Bernardino last weekend, but there was some really strange shit afloat at San Manuel Stadium, so you sort of drifted from my mind. You know it is going to be a crazy weekend at the park when you arrive to the stadium to find some crazed, old white haired dude with a Delorean on the sidewalk by the main gate, and stadium employees ensuring the crowd that police are on the way.
I do have some exciting news: I am making the drive north this weekend to Stockton for your Star Wars Night on Saturday as the promise of Stormtrooper jerseys is just too much to resist. I am looking forward to absorbing in the splendor of Banner Island Park while mingling with the local fans and sharing the oral tradition of the Cal League. As it has been a while since I have been there, I do have a few questions:
- I am planning on staying at the University Plaza Waterfront Hotel because it is close to the stadium. However, it is safe to walk from the park to the hotel, or will I be accosted by legions of hobos looking for money for their cheap wine and meth? Do you have other recommendations for lodging?
- Is there a bicycle taxi service between the hotel and the park? I have found that hobos usually will not chase bikes. The mean ones will, but they will chase anything. If there is not a bicycle taxi service, maybe you can put Owen on it to remind him he is not an assistant general manager quite yet.
- Is there a place in the park where my friend and I can drink shots? Will it be more expensive than the hotel bar? Price really does not matter, but it would be cool to take the bicycle taxi back to the hotel bar for a quick shot in the third inning, then back to the park, especially if Owen is pedaling.
- I just checked the weather forecast, and much to my dismay, it is supposed to rain Saturday night. I do not think I could live with the pain of driving all the way to Stockton to be denied a game by a rainout. If the game is called, can we sit in the stadium and drink some beer, pretending there is a game. Maybe Owen and another underling can play catch so we can hear the pop of the glove. Oh, the PA music should be blaring too – the good stuff, not the stuff for the ignorant masses. If you would like, I could make a killer playlist as that is one of my many talents.
- Can I be an honorary Anchor Club member? I feel I have sort of earned it, being one of minor league baseball’s greatest ambassadors.
- I see coolers and outside beverages are not allowed in the park, but I see nothing about firearms. Do people come to your games packing heat? Because that would certainly alter the way we heckle.
- Speaking of heckling, how would you rate the heckling atmosphere at Banner Island Park? Is the home team off limits, or is it a mad free for all like middle school dodgeball? Are there any sacred cows?
- Since this is a walking park, where is the best place to sit? Where are the shortest beer lines?
I am sure I will have other questions before my arrival because my mind never really stops. I understand you will probably be busy and may not be able to share stories of the road during the game, but perhaps after the game you can tell me what is like to run a team in the other city in California that filed bankruptcy.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: They cracked the Voynich Code! Have Owen come up with a promotion for that.