Dear George Bateman [Ticket Operations Coordinator; Inland Empire 66ers:
Hello, old friend. I know it has been a while since we have talked, but we have passed each other in the stadium many time and really do not need to speak. I do not really have time for pleasantries because as we race towards Memorial Day Weekend, the season has reached critical mass. While the General Manager has been off accepting awards in stylish burgundy suit, attendance at San Manuel Stadium has gone the way of Jon Heder’s career. The 66ers are currently fourth in attendance in the California League this season, even behind the wretched and incompetent Quakes.
It is imperative that the 66ers have a solid draw at the gate this holiday weekend, but starting off with a 1,428 draw for a Thirty Thursday is worrisome. I know the weather was not conducive to drawing large crowds, but it was prime California drinking weather, yet very few people showed up to drink, usually an indication that drink prices are too high. Remember, if you slash beer prices, they will come.
Before we can address the attendance problems, we need to talk about fixing your organization’s webpage. The Stats and Scores column is missing, so it is impossible to track how the team is doing through your website. This is kind of a BIG FUCKING OOPS. Perhaps management does not want the public to see just how bad of a hitting team this group of baseball rejects really is (team OPS .592), but come on man, this is baseball. Easy access to stats is imperative in these troubled times. I beg you to talk to someone to fix this mess immediately.
Now let’s talk improving attendance. El Cucuy Nights would be much popular say if something actually happened, like a monster chasing someone across the field. Maybe El Cucuy race against the little kid in the Mascot Race, but instead of losing in some comical fashion like Bernie does every single night, El Cucuy trounces the kid, then chases to kid into the outfield, scaring the bejeezus out of the kid and parents. The look of horror on all parties’ faces will be an internet sensation – just make sure you have the parents sign a waiver before the race.
Remember George, this is San Bernardino. Dismay and dread is how most people get through the day. Another fun thing to do would be to have an El Cucuy crouching on a shitter, waiting for an unsuspecting rube to open the door to scare the shit out of him. Literally. On El Cucuy Nights, San Manuel Stadium should be transformed into a haunted house type atmosphere. Fear is never boring.
The 66ers crack creative team will not even have to work too hard – just rip off the plot lines of horror movies. Jason can chase Freddy Krueger in the concourse as the start of a vicious game of king of the mountain that El Cucuy eventually wins. Everyone can celebrate by burning Edward Scissorhands in effigy. It is all good, clean fun except for the people shitting themselves in the bathroom – that is just fun.
You could greatly improve attendance on Sundays by doing similar things with religious prophets. Imagine a mascot race against Little Baby Jesus! The kids would not even cry when they lost because there lost to the Son of God. “It’s okay, Darling; you lost to the Christ Child” beaming parents would say on the wat to the ice cream stand. Moses would be a wealth of between inning promotions, including Commandment juggling on the dugouts.
The 66ers are just punting on most Mondays through Wednesdays. Perhaps you should suggest Monopoly Mondays to your bosses, and start with Free Parking. Tie in the railroads with San Bernardino history. I do not really know where to take it from there because I am not much of a board game player, but GM Joe pays certain people to brainstorm ideas. Now that Aris Theofanopoulos has left the building, someone needs to step it up.
That someone could be you.
Your friend in baseball,