Dear Taylor McCarthy [General Manager; Stockton Ports]:
I am sorry I missed you last weekend on my trip to that beacon of prosperity known as Stockton last weekend. As you know, the series was rained out, which means I drove a long way to watch a Warriors’ playoff game in an empty bar with some bartenders that were almost certainly prostitutes, giving new meaning to the term “tip jar.” It would have been nice to meet up and exchange some minor league war stories, but you did not respond to my overtures, so I drank with some dude named Peacock instead.
I will admit I was initially a little bit hurt at your rebuffs, even though I am a wizened minor league journeyman who understands the responsibilities and commitments of the job. I was taking your silence personally until I saw the hobo encampment in the bushes beyond right field along the waterfront, and I realized you probably had more important thing to worry about than hanging out with the social event of the minor leagues (me). I wondered briefly if I should march into the encampment to see if you had been abducted since it is dangerously close to what appears to be the employee parking lot, but I decided this really was not my fight, and I might miss the Star Wears jerseys.
I will say this, after peering through your locked gates, Banner Island Ballpark certainly offers things that other Cal League seats do not. I do worry about the adequacy of the scoreboard though. I was also a bit concerned with the unhealthy breakfasts for employees were showing to work with on Sunday morning. I am sure a couple of them were viciously hungover, and while Dean Wormer was incorrect when he said, “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life,” you might want to counsel your underlings on the importance of a healthy breakfast.
As you should know, your Stockton Ports travel to San Manuel Stadium this weekend after they are done playing in front of the speed freaks in Lake Elsinore. It is going to be a pretty wild weekend at the best stadium in the California League. For starters, it will have something your place did not: good weather accompanied by gentle sunshine. Secondly, Friday is El Cucuy Night, which is one of the top tier Copa La Diversion identities, and the night is a double header to make up one of the games your organization lost due to inclement weather. El Cucuy is the boogeyman that permeates Mexican culture in a way like leprechauns tango with the American Irish, but a bit more sinister, but not as creepy as drunk Uncle Seamus wanting you to sit on his lap during the parade.
Saturday is one of the High Holy Days of minor league baseball as the Beer Mile will be completed after the game. To ensure there will be record vomiting, the 66ers have paired this with California Burrito Night, which are carne asada burritos stuffed with French fries, guacamole, and sour cream. It is also a Mike Trout Bobblehead Giveaway, but that will pale in comparison to my American Gothic Bobblehead last week in Fresno. Sunday is Who The Fuck Cares Day as no one goes to games on Sunday, especially on the day of the Indy 500.
Anyway, I hope you make the trip down this weekend. The 66ers sure could use your attendance as their numbers are slumping for a myriad of reasons. When you order a shot at the bar, the better value is to order a double. The booze will be flowing this weekend because that is what we do down here on Memorial Day Weekend after we are done with all our retail shopping.
Your friend in baseball,