Dear Sam Hansen [Director, Marketing Creative; Fresno Grizzlies]:
Good day, sir. It is a pleasure to be communicating with a minor league legend, and I know you’re a very busy individual filled with creative genius (I mean, you are the guy who invented the Taco Truck Throwdown), but I am coming to your stadium this weekend and have a few quick questions about the promotions Friday night. Normally, I do not venture to AAA games because if I wanted to see taxi squads compete, I would journey to a large metropolitan airport with briefcases of cash and demand the fastest one way trip ride to Las Vegas.
You see, while I am a minor league lifer who is a smoke jumpier in the devil’s arcade, I normally stick to the lower levels where the sheep are not so nervous and other furry creatures do not walk backwards in a human’s presence, especially after that incident in El Paso a few years back. Sure, the local authorities’ official story was that was a fox squirrel, but I know a javelina when I see it. But I digress. I am kind of a big thing in the lower minors because I travel from park to park, offering advice on how to improve customer service and entertainment value all while educating the fan bases on the nuances of minor league baseball. Later this summer, I will be heading to the Carolina League to help those poor savages, but first I am heading up the Great Agriculture Highway to Stockton this weekend for their Stormtrooper jersey night, and we are going to visit your park because no sane person would spend two consecutive days in Stockton.
So Friday night at your park is Fresno Growlers’ Night. Your website does realty explain what that entails, so now we come to the question part of my missive:
1. Is this some of chugging contest? I am not very good at that.
2.Do we just purchase Fresno Growlers and fill them at the stadium? Are there other places in town that fill them? Are we allowed to leave the stadium with full growlers? How stringent is the open container enforcement in your fair city?
3.Will we have the opportunity to fill the growlers with solid, union made beers like Natty Light or Milwaukee’s Best, or do we have to stick with that expensive craft beer?
4. Do you serve Ballast Point products at your stadium? I have a friend who is some sort of weirdo who thinks society should no longer consume Ballast Point products because they sold out to MACROBEER. He is not coming on this trip, but I like to send him pictures of Ballast Point products being served at large venues to remind him what a complete failure he is.
5. The American Gothic Bobblehead is absolute genius. However, the sections where those tickets are offered are peasant seats. Can one purchase the bobblehead seats, then upgrade?
6.Can anyone in my party get those Child ID bracelets in case we get separated. We could put the hotel address on them for the Uber/Lyft driver.
7.How cool is your bar? It really is not marketed too well on your website. You might want to put an underling on that task. Are shots served there? Can our underage designated driver enter? She is probably the most mature one in our party (she is my daughter).
8. Speaking of my daughter, if you can spare the time, I would really be honored if you talked to her about her career. She is all hellbent on going to an Ivy League school, then going onto medical school. Unfortunately, she has the GPA/SAT scores/class ranking, and determination to do just that instead of pursuing a more fulfilling career in a minor league front office. You do you best to raise your kids to make the correct choices, but sometimes they are stubborn. Maybe if she saw how the minors have treated you, she would modify her career goals. What would really impress her is if we did a couple of Prairie Fire shots in your office around the third inning.
9. Are the agricultural uniforms for sale to the general public? I am not sure if I want one yet, but as a consumer, I like having options.
10. My good friend Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood Ducks and Hickory Crawdads] really wants a picture of the two of us. He is pretty much a genius also (he is letting me throw out a first pitch at a Woodies’ game later this summer), so I hope we can make him happy, plus I can use it for leverage with the Elmore Sports Mafia to get paid what I deserve. Right now, I am the unofficial assistant to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] only because contract negotiations have stalled.
11. One last question: I am the creator of one of the greatest minor league battle cries ever. Last winter, the Fayetteville Woodpeckers were in the midst of their rebranding, and I suggested they just go with the ‘Peckers because no one fears a woodpecker, but people respect a ‘Pecker. That morphed into “Fear the Wood! Respect the ‘Pecker!”, which as your shrewd mind instantly realized, is a cash cow. Austin Schwartz [Vice President, Sales & Marketing; Fayetteville Woodpeckers] loved the idea, but the big brass thought it would violate some family values code and have suppressed this sure money maker. A local graphic design shop in Fayetteville partnered with me to design from shirts, but I think the ‘Peckers big brass sent some goons to their shop to make them cease and desist. I am not asking you to design the shirts because you are a busy man, but since the team colors are back and red, what primary color would you choose to be on the bulk of the shirts?
Anyway, I hope to see you this weekend. I hope the beer lines are short, but since your organization contracted their concessions to Professional Sports Catering, I will expect long, slow lines complete with a slave master cracking a whip.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Is the residue from those smelly Giants’ fans eradicated from your stadium yet?