Dear Jason Estes [Director of Marketing; Wilmington Blue Rocks]:
I have some outstanding news: I will definitely be attending a Wilmington Blue Rocks game this July as the Epic Carolina League Road Trip transitions into the NY Penn League Run to Shelter Road Trip. The only question now is will the game be before or after we march on New Jersey like General Sir Henry Clinton did in the Revolutionary War. Yes, I will be making it to Daniel S. Frawley Stadium because there should be a bobblehead waiting for me — you know, the Walt Goodman Dodgeball Bobblehead that I have coveted since the bitter darkness of winter.
I am targeting either the July 3rd or one of the games on the homestead the next week, depending on the answers you have to the following questions:
- Do you have Thirsty Thursdays, or does Dogfish Head have some tight gripped monopoly on the night? I am sure $3.00 Dogfish’s are wonderful, but Thirsty Thursdays are the backbone of the minor leagues, and it is not the same as Beer 30 Night, which sounds like a rejected Jimmy Buffet lyric that Brooks and Dunn recorded. I hope you have not sold out Thirsty Thursdays to a corporate non union sponsor, especially one that just merged with those Samuel Adams frauds.
- These Little League nights — are those little plate breakers and curtain climbers kept on a leash or in a pen? And what Little Leagues are still playing in July? Or is this one of those things where any child in his/her uniform shows up, they get in free? I hope these beasts are kept in the cheap seats.
- I see Wednesdays are $2.00 Miller Lite nights from 5:30-7:00 PM, which is something I can get fully behind. How much are those beers after 7:00 PM? Do you sell hard liquor at your stadium? I have been known to drink shots at ballgames. Does security frisk for flasks? If so, their hands will not linger too long on sensitive areas, right?
- Will the Moon Landing t-shirt on July 13th giveaway have the correct date, which is July 20th? Are 1000 enough? As you know, t-shirts are cheaper in bulk. What color will the shirt be?
- What are the chances you get me a media pass just so I feel official? Perhaps you can mail it to me before my trip commences so I can use it in other parks.
- I see for a fee, one can throw out the first pitch. How much is this fee? Wade Howell [Vice President; Down East Wood ducks and Hickory Crawdads] is letting me do it for free out of professional respect. While you and I do not have that sort of relationship yet, I bet you could get me on that mound. I would be forever grateful, especially since I could use it to get on the mound in Fayetteville and Salem.
- This Bluewinkle Diamond Club… is it pricey enough to keep out the riff raff? Are steamed clams and mussels on the menu? Can one get a good scotch in there? Natty Light?
- Your luxury suites are incredibly inexpensive, which makes me wonder if they have private bathrooms. I’ve been told that at certain Carolina League stadia, fans just shit on the floor. That is not the case in Wilmington, correct?
- Is there a dry cleaners or laundry mat near the stadium? Do you have a lackey or intern that could do my family’s laundry while we watch the game?
- Will I be awarded early entrance to the stadium like full season ticket holders?
BTW, I am making the trip up north this weekend for some Cal League action. Stockton is wearing Stormtrooper uniforms for their Star Wars Night. We are supposed to make it to San Jose, but the city is charging $15.00 to park this season, which is an affront to everything decent in minor league baseball. Now wonder the Giants are last in the league in attendance.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: I assume that Blockbuster video cards are acceptable means of payment at your concession stands.