The Foundation of a Bet is Laid


Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Congratulations on your first week win in the Inland Empire 66ers Front Office League. Winning on the first week is an exhilarating feeling, and something half the league will never feel this season. Do not let anyone try to diminish your win by saying you played the team that scored the lowest point total of the week. A win is a win. Honestly though, this missive is not about you. It is about the epic match-up between Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] and myself.

Reverberations of this long awaited contest will echo throughout Minor League Baseball, all the way to the Hartford Yard Goats and down to the Myrtle Beach Pelicans. If GM Joe takes down Bads85, well, that is worth ten Golden Bobble Heads. If I win, well it is just another Executive of the Year for my collection. The was a great disturbance in The Force when I agreed to play in your league as certain organizations were crestfallen that I did not join their leagues. Reports of grown men openly weeping filled my inbox.

Having Bads85 is a MiLB front office league is quite the coup for the 66ers as it keeps the organization relevant through the bleak days of winter. It is pretty much the equivalent of having a billboard of the 66ers on Space Mountain at Disneyland. Your social media people should be all over this. I am pretty sure there are members of the Eugene Emeralds’ front office dying to crash this rapidly growing shindig, but lack the constitution to drive 1800 miles in a mad dash for glory.

There have been numerous inquiries across MiLB about the wager between Hudson and me. Are you two playing for Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]’s soul? Of course not. We already possess his heart. We do not need his soul. Others have asked if the position of Director of Promotions for the 66ers on the line. To be truthful, I am not sure what we are playing for yet as Mr. Hudson has made no overtures about a wager.

I do know that my bar is open to the 66ers’ staff this Sunday. Come early; stay late. As you have probably heard, get togethers at my house are very special, and certainly not for the meek I actually have two bars in my backyard because I built the second one in case I feel like going on a pub crawl. The only rule I have is no Rancho Cucamonga Quakes’ crust fuckers are allowed. Those people’s body oils wreak havoc with the pool filters. Maybe one of you can bring me my Cherubs’ jersey I won in the auction last week – and some 66ers shot glasses if any are still around. People swipe those from my house all the time because they are quite the status symbol.

Perhaps you can bring the hot dog launchers. I know GM Joe loves those things. We will let him fire stuff into my neighbor’s yard every time one of his players finds the endzone, which should not be that often because his team is going to shit the bed this week after than big offensive explosion last week. We can also play Sniper Dodgeball across the pool with the launchers while most of you guys wait and wait for your team to score. You should leave the knocker balls at San Manuel Stadium though. My rose garden will eat those up.

I just had an idea for a bet with GM Joe – if my team somehow scores fewer points than his this week, I will wear the Bacon costume to school for a day (I get to take it to the dry cleaners first though because I have seen who wears that). If I win, you and I get to design some new 66ers golf polos to sell in the Team Shop so the loyal fan base does not have to look like a troupe of hobos on the links. I will do all the work on this because I really want to look good. Perhaps I could design some new shot glasses also. Or many if I win, I get to run the 66ers’ Twitter account.

Anyway, I need to study the player pool as my waiver wire request was denied, given to some first week loser.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Open Discourse with the Mayor of Springfield, Oregon


Dear Sean VanGordon [Mayor; Springfield. Oregon]:

Good day, Sir. We have not formally met, but you have been haunting my vivid dreams of a late as you force my good friend, Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] to rebrand his team to the Glenwood Hobos as part of a land deal for a new minor league baseball stadium. In the distance, the ghost of Dirty Dick searches for Little Nell. Is my vision prescience? Or the result of dining too late, then falling asleep to Mark Knopfler?  I write this missive in hopes you will answer a few questions to ensure you get out of my head in the dark hours of the night. 

Do you like minor league baseball, Mr. Mayor? You know, in the sense that MiLB can be a viable economic force for a local community? Or in the sense of the crack of the bat, the flashing of the leather, carnage and glory sense? Just what is motivating you to be open overtures to bring the beloved Emeralds to your fair city? Pecuniary gains? Fame? Groupies? Increases In per capita income of the citizens of Springfield? Multi-collinearity in regression analysis? What makes you tick, Mr. Mayor? I need to know.

You might be wondering just who I am, even though I am a pretty big deal in your neighbor city, Eugene after the splash I made this summer. The short answer is that I am a minor league baseball ambassador who travels from city to city, bringing inspiration and cheer. Some say I am a prophet. Others say I am a lunatic. I did raise $1,900 in a twenty-four hour period for the Boys and Girls’ Club of the Emerald Valley during the now quite famous Bads85 Mad Dash to Eugene in which a road companion and I raced through the night to make it to Eugene for a Thirsty Thursday at PK Park, play a round of golf at Eugene Country Club, then turn around to make it to California Burrito Night at San Manuel Stadium, home of the Inland Empire 66ers. It was an exciting trip, and I made lifelong friends long the way because in the end, that is what MiLB is all about.

What assurances can you give me that the Emeralds will be in good hands in Springfield, Oregon? This goes well beyond poachers taking pot shots at the beloved Squatch and Sluggo. What is your plan to provide an enduring home for the Emeralds so generations of future fans can enjoy professional baseball in the Emerald Valley? Sure, the gift of land is a wonderful start, but what is happening on your end to help promote the Emeralds on a national level to ensure the team becomes a travel destination of fans all across the minor league landscape? Hint: ensure the MiLB Hall of Fame is part of the stadium. The Federal and state government are much more likely to kick your city funds if a museum is involved.

And please tell me, Mr. Mayor, what does Springfield offer in terms of a historical theme for the new stadium? I must confess I have not been to Springfield much in my visits to Eugene, but I was denied entrance to the Roaring Rapids Pizza Company back in the very dark days of COVID. I also stayed at the TRU by Hilton, which may or may not be in Springfield, but the guys I drank with in that parking lot sure seemed to be, but they did not really offer me any other local information other than lumber, trains, and how the Emeralds’ old stadium burned down. I am facing a rare knowledge hole here beyond the television show, so any pertinent information you can share would be greatly appreciated.

Hey, do you have any idea on how to solve the homeless problem that affects your region? Rather than emulating most politicians who project false compassion, perhaps you can start with providing these human beings running, hot water instead of punitively denying basic needs in hopes the problem goes away. Or you can just slap a tent tax on the city, and send them to live by the freeway in Gresham. Your choice, Mr. Mayor.

Whoa, I did not mean to get so serious on what is essentially a social call. Let’s stay focused on the big prize, which is a new baseball stadium that will put your fine city on the map. I must say, your city’s Chamber of Commerce’s web page is excellent but it would really POP with some stadium pictures – pictures that include boatloads of people spending money.

I look forward to your future correspondence.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Respond to Commissioner Jarret


Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for your quick, professional response. If only other MiLB teams displayed this type of professionalism, well, I would have my Eugene Emeralds’ press pass by now. My financial advisor is thrilled to hear that this is indeed a money league. My advisor knows I am much more focused on a league when hard cash is on the line.

While you more than adequately answered my previous questions, I do feel I must clarify something. I do not want a merch store polo. Would you wear one of those? Of course not. Only a physical education teacher stuck in the 1990’s would wear one of those. Besides, while I am always concerned about conforming to current, accepted styles, I need the authentic front office polo to wear into other club’s front offices when I am on the road — a little first impression clout. I need the good stuff.

As for Jimmy’s Stuck, word on the mean streets of The Dino is that her dad did the heavy lifting last year. I have that dude’s kryptonite. One year quite some time ago, that dude experienced the greatest playoff upset in the history of fantasy football. People to this day set their alarms for the middle of the night to have some extra time just to wake up to laugh about it before they go back to sleep. That loss spawned a curse that carried over to multiple leagues, eventually making at least three of them defunct. All you have to do to neutralize Jimmy’s Stuck is utter, “Mike Houser. Mike Houser. Mike Houser.”

You might have notice I have a co-manager, Little Bads. He is around mainly because he is always flush with cash. However, he is also known to crunch numbers, and has his driver’s license now so he can drive the getaway car. Like many before him, he has donned the Bernie costume to entertain the home crowd. Did you know in the 2014, your first season with the 66ers, he snagged thirty-three foul balls at San Manuel Stadium? It was kind of a big deal at the time in Section 102. How many people in this league have donned the Bernie costume? That is a variety of sweat sources.

Hey, are you sure that there is no face to face plans for the draft? Your compatriots would not be excluding you, would they? “Sure, Jarret, we will see you online later. We are not going to Johnny Taco’s or anything for the draft. Good luck!” I am sure they would not do that. I am just trying to get in your head since we play each other in the seventh week. October 24th will be here before we know it.

It is probably not a very good idea for me to make any suggestions to Joe Hudson [General Manager; Inland Empire 66ers] because every time I do, he gives a look that resembles what a cat falling in a bathtub has. I play him Week 2, so you might want to burn some victim time after that because he will certainly be grumpy after losing to me.

Anyway, I am sure I will have more questions in the upcoming days. It is nice to know the commissioner of this league is willing to listen. In the meantime, I need to prepare for the 66ers’ final home stand. 

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Reacquaint Myself with Alex


Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

As a well read man like yourself already knows, Thomas Wolfe once said you can never go home again. Well, Thomas Wolfe was wrong. Sometime you HAVE to go home again. While I was was out galavanting across MiLB parks this past July, the Low A West was withering on the vine in a California heat so fierce even the G Street Hobos went underground. My attention has been direly needed here, especially since Bongwater returned to the region. 

I am sure rumors have been circulating on your circuit about my absence. The bromance between Bads85 and Allan Benavides came to a crashing halt because PK Park has no freshly squeezed lemonade. Bads85 was called up to Double A and is wandering what used to be the Texas League. Bads85 has been sunning himself on Bill Gates’ yacht. Bad85 is playing his xylophone in a ska revival band at an all female cabaret. Bads85 went to Afghanistan to teach the Taliban the nuances of baseball. Sluggo shanked Bads85! I am sure as the Media Relations guy you had to deflect all these rumors, and for that I apologize, but such is the life of a young man climbing the minor league ladder. I am glad you have my back though. There is a bit of truth to that Sluggo rumor.

So this season is rapidly coming to an end as baseball seasons do, so it is time to start planning for our next great adventure: the Arizona Fall League. I think this 2021 season has shown that you Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds] is ready to run with the BIG DOGS, so you have been formally invited to Bads85’s Delicious 2021 AFL Adventure. Just get yourself to Redlands, California on October 27th, and I have you covered and will provide the material for your greatest game write-ups ever. Mark your calendar. Clear the dates. We will be bound for glory, drinking lightning from a jar.

Perhaps we should not get ahead of ourselves since you have one last road trip to Hillsboro. Hey, maybe on this trip you could get a read on the beer prices in Tonka Truck Stadium. If you are busy, just have that Mayor Steve guy track it down for you. We should have thought of that months ago. I mean, it is his job to serve the people. Perhaps he can bring you some nachos also. Do they serve tater tots there? They should as tater tots are little signs that the baseball gods are not always vengeful. Are the corndogs fresh, or do they taste like the industrial sludge found in the evenings at gas marts? Those taste like Thanos’s bum. I bet Mayor Lucy Vinis enjoys a fresh corn dog though.

Have you guys lines up a corporate sponsor for the new stadium yet? Dutch Brothers Stadium has a nice ring to it, but so does Bushmills’ Field. Mix the two, and we can have Irish Coffee Park! Pretty heady stuff, but that is just the way I roll. I bet the Rocket City Trash Pandas would appreciate my vision, probably even offer me a nice contract with full benefits — at least some professional looking business cards.

Irish Coffee Park should have a two story team floor with an ample supply of hoodies and team jerseys. Did you know that shot glasses have about a 600% return on investment, plus they never go out of style? Perhaps your organization should sell Official Emeralds’ Zip Ties and Garbage Bags for the smart shopper. I bet holiday inflatables of your mascots would be big sellers also. I know I would buy at least one.

Anyway, I have a big day tomorrow. Safe travels to Hillsboro. Tell Mayor Steve I send my best wishes. Tell the groundskeeper his field needs love.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Decide to Join the 66er’s Front Office Fantasy Football League


Dear Jarret Stark [Group Sales Account Executive; Inland Empire 66ers]:

Thank you for the invitation to the Inland Empire 66ers’ front office fantasy football league. Normally, I do not participate in non money leagues because I am all about the payouts, but I am making an exception this year because of all the spiritual wealth potential in this league. Also, I want to own a piece of Joe Hudson’s [General Manager; IE 66ers] soul at the season’s end. Since you are the commissioner, I will direct my questions directly to you instead of cluttering up the league message board.

  1. Is the draft totally online, or are the cool people drafting in a suite at San Manuel Stadium? If we are drafting at San Manuel Stadium, will there be a parking fee? Or are we drafting at Joe Hudson’s house? If so, should I a bring a house gift, like a plant? Perhaps a cactus.
  2. Is side betting allowed? I have heard that some degenerate gamblers work in that front office. I could use a little help paying for my children’s college expenses, but I would not want to overstep my bounds by offering cash bets for weekly performances. I would also love to win a 2018 California League All Star polo from someone.
  3. Are you allowing weekly ties? I would strongly suggest any ties be decided by a round of Knockermosh.
  4. Let’s talk about spiritual wealth bets proposals. I propose if I win the league (a very strong possibility), I should be awarded an official 66ers’ staff polo. If I do not win the league, my partner has to be Bernie during a high school showcase this offseason. Perhaps all members of the league should make their personal proposals. 
  5. Are you people not the least embarrassed that Team Jimmy’s Stuck went 12-1 last year? I was reaching the Super Bowl in her dad’s league when she was still hitting home runs for Penn State University. Jimmy’s Stuck is a great fantasy football team name — I was at San Manuel Stadium the night Jimmy really was stuck. 
  6. What are the chances that the winner of this league gets a banner in the outfield on the championship flag pole? Lord knows it will be a long time before an Angels’ farm team wins the Low A West. I do not think anyone would mind if our fantasy league could fly its own banner. Adam Franey is no longer around to break the pole.
  7. What do you think of the idea of the weekly losers having to perform a tarp pull while the winners drink draft beer and heckle them? I believe it will bring cohesion and trust your front office.
  8. Did you know that in the history of San Manuel Stadium, no player has ever hit a home run through that truck window in the outfield? An opposing player put one through on a ricochet off the side mirror. This is not league related, but just one of my random musings. 

Anyway, I have a money league draft in a bit, and I am the defending champion of that league. Perhaps you have heard the bar in my backyard is a premier place for leagues to watch games on Sundays. Everyone in this league is cordially invited. No crying when one loses though. My bar is often a place where grown ass adults suffer because their team shits the bed.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Wish Allan A Happy Late Birthday


Dear Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:

iI has been a while since my Mad Dash to Eugene in July, and Mayor Lucy Vina has refused to answer any of my missives, but my heart has not abandoned the Emeralds. I have just been busy, man. Real busy saving the Low A West, whose fans have not really come back from COVID. Plus, I had to chase glory on the golf course and start planning for college football tail gate parties. Did you know the Ducks play at UCLA this year? You should come down for the game and see me in my true element.

Rest assured, while I was away, I have not failed to come upon with some ideas for the new future. Remember that new stadium you are trying to get? It is my strong recommendation that the MiLB Hall of Fame and Museum be a part of that. This will make the new stadium a national tourist attraction, plus tax payers are more likely to approve funds if a museum is included. The museum and hall of fame will contain more than just players; it will include front office executives, announcers, mascots, groundskeepers, and of course, ambassadors. Maybe we could have a dinosaur museum too since kids love dinosaurs. And trains. Maybe we can have a locomotive on the premises.

And what would be better to greet the visitors of the MiLB Hall of Fame than a hologram of Bads85? Nothing, that is what. I regret I will cannot be there in person, but as you know, I am an accomplished traveler who spreads the good of the game wherever I go. Sure, in the offseason if would give me something better to do than just stare out the window waiting for the Cactus League to start.

Are you and your staff planning to attend the Cactus League this year? Perhaps you should ease into the debauchery with a trip to the Arizona Fall League this office, say Halloween weekend. Your staff do not really strike me as the trick or treating type, but they could always don a costume and walk the mean streets of Scottsdale scaring people. Maybe if you guys played your cards right, you could have with my crew that weekend. I can show you around. I am very well received in that city.

Did you guys ever install a freshly squeezed lemonade stand in PK Park? Lemonade from a box tastes like industrial sludge. This is not Short Season Ball anymore. Over the course of a 130 game season, fans need to hydrate, even the beer drinking crews. Good lemonade cuts through the heat and restores the body. Bad lemonade causes gas, and sporadic rectal bleeding.

I just realized I missed your birthday this month. I was just so caught up with Sluggo’s birthday celebration the same night that I forgot it was your birthday also. Imagine my embarrassment. It is like the time I wore my Fayetteville Woodpeckers jersey to a Down East Wood Ducks game — wait, I never did that, but let’s just pretend I did. I would have been a clown prince with big red shoes and a little Shriner Car. This like the the time I forgot my wedding anniversary — wait, I never did that either. You know what it is like — the time i started driving to Pittsburgh from Cleveland for a Pirates’ game when the Pirates were playing in Cincinnati, and I ended up at an Akron Aeros’ game. What a night that was! Anyway, I hope you had a swell birthday. Next 66ers’ home stand, we will lift some pints in your honor. Pints of Fireball!

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

PS: Boy Bands’ Night? Just hire me already.

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Bongwater and Sluggo’s Birthday


Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

I regret to inform you I will not be able to attend your big media party this Wednesday for the two University of Oregon baseball players, Kenyon Yovan and Kyle Kasser, who now play for the repulsive Tri-City Dirt Devils. I have other professional commitments, plus the word on the street is that Bongwater is back in the region, so I need to procure a meaner alligator for the moat, and the sniper tower is not going to man itself. You see Bongwater had been living in Canada without proper documentation since the end of the 2016 season, so he probably has all sorts of goofy notions running through his head, like LaBatts is an acceptable beer to drink. In these tumultuous times, once should just not let radicalized acquaintances back into their lives, especially since wherever Bongwater goes, the Feds soon follow as well as angry, impregnated strippers.

Yes, Bongwater was part of the magical 2014 season at San Manuel Stadium, the year we went to Opening Night not realizing we would be saving rock ’n roll that season. Memories are not binding in the minor leagues though. No one grows up wanting to be a minor league baseball fan; it just sort of happens, kind of like the choice to de a drug dealer. For many, MiLB fandom is what happens after love and glory. For Bongwater, it is what happened after the local brothels slapped those restraining orders on his tortured soul. Bongwater once told Section 102 of San Manuel Stadium that it was Thomas Wolfe that said “You can’t go home again, but you can always see the 66ers, even if they are playing in Lancaster, except in the winter or when it rains.”

The rains did come in 2014. That was the year of the series of violent flash floods at the ballpark, and when Bongwater single handily save a doomed tarp pull by jumping onto the field to rally a despondent front office staff. Whiskey Jack and I were under the tent of the right field pavilion, sipping Maker’s Mark from our flask because getting wet is a fool’s errand. Bongwater jump onto the stalled tarps, arms extended into the storm like a defiant Christ figure singing “Iron Man”. Lightning flashed crossed the dark afternoon sky, and the front office rallied and pushed that tarp across the infield just as the game was called, a pyrrhic victory, but pyrrhic victories still go in the win column. 

But I digress. I will miss Sluggo’s birthday celebration tomorrow night. Will there be a cake for Sluggo? Ice cream? A military flyover? I fear my gift will not arrive in Eugene in time because I have yet to purchase it. What do you get for the mascot that has everything? Please pour Sluggo a large shot of Rumple Minz for me, and pour one for yourself so Sluggo does not have to drink alone. Perhaps you should pour Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] one also because I am sure he misses me terribly and will be saddened that I am not in attendance. We were supposed to get Squatch tattoos together.

Hey Alex, do you ever have nightmares of the Tri-City Dust Devils mascot? I sure do. They are always the same, a napalm strike on a unsuspecting bean field filled with camping hobos, and from the fire emerges Dusty, the angry topsoil turd of the apocalypse, bringing pain and suffering to the small, furry creatures because he never received enough hugs as a child because his father skipped town to shack up with a carney lady. I am not sure of the significance of this dream, but I give Pasco and all its broken a wide berth. Cheesecake seems to keep the dreams away though.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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Alex and I Discuss Promotions and Stolen Birthrights


Dear Alex Stimson [Media Relations; Eugene Emeralds]:

It is hard to believe that there are just sixteen home dates left for the Eugene Emeralds. It seems like just last week we were talking about producing our reality television show, and now summer is waning, and we have no video that I am aware of. Now, we are in the EVERY PROMOTION COUNTS part of the season.

Let’s talk about those promotions, shall we? Since this is the final stretch, every night should be a double promotion night to draw wider group of fans. For instance. Reggae Night should also be Speed Metal Night. I believe kids these days call this a mashup. Anyway, the left field side can be the Reggae side while the right field side is the Speed Metal side. Once beer sales are cut off, both sides can run across the outfield from their respective sides with medieval weapons and meet in the middle. The side with the most still standing wins free tacos at Jack in the Box.

The next night is Sluggo’s Birthday, which fine, mascot costumes get older each year. The celebration should be paired with Conceal and Carry Night where responsible gun owners can come to the park and have some target practice in the back parking lot. The following night is Thirsty Thursday and One Hit Wonder Night. I think your organization needs to dial in their definition of One Hit Wonders as The Knack also had a hit with “Good Girls Don’t (But I Do)” and A-Ha’s “The Sun Always Shines on TV” is immortal. I would say couple this with Dead Celebrity Night so fans can look back a dead bands and dead stars. Half price vodka drinks would help give this night a POP. 

Friday is Family 4-Pack Night which should be mashed with Singles and Swingers Night. Saturday Night is Soup or Hero Night… I could go on, but you get the point. I must say, I was a little hurt that I was not invited to be a local superhero after all Eugene and I have been through together, but I do not do well with puns, so it is probably for the best I am not in attendance that night. It is also the California Earthquake Authority Earthquake Preparedness Night at Rancho Cucamong Quakes who play at what used to be known as the Epicenter, which promises to be a rockin’ good time. Feel free to post images of my likenesses all over PK Park though.

By now, I am sure you have heard that there will be an Arizona Fall League this year, which means the Holy Pilgrimages to Phoenix can resume again. I strongly suggest that Allan Benavides [General Manager] have a front office pow wow in the desert. Fortunately, your organization would have an experienced guide to take you from stadium to stadium while showing you the nuances of the mean streets of Scottsdale. Of course, if you think your colleagues would just slow you down, you could fly solo and ride with my crew.

Hey, if you want that exclusive interview that sheds light on what make Bads85 tick, you best move quickly. Other club like the Wichita Wind Surge are sniffing around. Perhaps I can even send you the questions because I know you are a busy man, and I am a giver.

Did you know the Everett AquaSox stole my Copa de Diversion identity? By birthright, I can demand to be called El Conquistador. I rarely make that demand because it seems a bit narcissistic to do so, but the Everett organization insists upon calling themselvesLos Conquistadores, even though their little frog identity has conquered nothing in its existence.  

The time is growing late. I am contemplating a drive to Modesto as tomorrow is Wally the Walnut Bobblhead Night at the Nut’s place. We can make fun of Modesto for many reasons, but their mascots are bad ass, and Shelley the Pistachio is smokin’ hot.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Give Mayor Lucy a Great Honor


Dear Lucy Vinis [Mayor; Eugene, Oregon]:

The word on the street is you have not responded to my missives is because you are miffed that I came to your fair city without giving you the proper time to make plans to meet my acquaintance. I seriously doubt that is true as you are a consummate professional and understand that the life of a minor league road warrior sometimes makes long term planning impossible. Sometimes the call of the road requires immediate action. Sometimes you just have to race to a far away town in the middle of the night.

I know it had to be very disappointing for you to know I was in town, but our busy social calendars did not allow us to meet. I mean, I could have invited you to hang out with much of the Ems’ front office staff at The Cooler, but we had the August promotion schedule to discuss, but I was remiss in not inviting you.. However, last call comes early on that side of the river, so I thought it best not to request your presence at that time. Hey, what is your definition of a One Hit Wonder? I bet it is different than the Ems, who think The Knack were a one hit wonder with “My Sharona” even though they had an #11 hit with “Good Girls Don’t.” I ask because Thursday, August 5th is “One Hit Wonder Night” at PK Park.

Have you come out on record about how you feel about our beloved Eugene Emeralds playing at PK Park, which is very unsuited for High A Ball. Oh, it is a beautiful but quaint college stadium, but High A Baseball is so, so much more than college ball, which still uses aluminum bats. Pk Park does not even have a freshly squeezed lemonade stand, a staple of any full season park. You might be thinking, “Bads85, I never drink lemonade at a ballpark because of BEER!”, and while I understand that sentiment, perhaps you might like to mix some bourbon with some freshly squeezed lemonade on a warm evening. Or vodka. Lots of vodka. But I digress. Your constituents would be relieved to hear that you would like to see the Emeralds playing in the park they and your fair city deserves.

I would suggest having a press conference sooner than later, maybe on August 3rd at Reggae Night at the Ems’ current stadium. Standing right next to that large inflatable of Sluggo would offer great photo opportunities, but speaking from the bar in right field would put you closer to the hard working people of Eugene. Plus, you could point to the inadequate team store, something that will not be an issue at the new stadium. I probably do not have to tell you this, but you would also be closer to the alcohol, which makes getting a post presser drink that much easier. Always ask for a double a stadium bar, Ms. Mayor. Trust me on this.

Hey, I just had a flash of brilliance. This occurs frequently with me, and I really have no control over it, but when it happens, I know to roll with it. As you well know, I am the Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Minor League Baseball. The restricting laws of physics prevent me from being more than one place or not, so if I am at say, San Manuel Stadium, I cannot be in Eugene. However, I can delegate my ambassadorship privileges to others, so I decree you are the official Thirsty Thursday Ambassador of Eugene in my absence. This means you can go to the games on Thursdays, wave to people, and drink $3.00 tallboys while extolling the joys of minor league baseball and the needs for a new Emeralds’ stadium. Contact the Ems; front office for additional details. Do not hold your breath on receiving your official business card though. I am still waiting on mine.

I eagerly way your response. Remember, the positive externalities generated by a MiLB team may also result in non-pecuniary effects such as community pride, happiness, and increased morale. In short, and MiLB team can make people feel good about where they live. Get the message to the people, Thirty Thursday Ambassador in Absentia.

Your friend in baseball,

Bads85

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I Begin Planning for Wichita


Dear Katie Woods [Director of Marketing & Community Engagement; Wichita Wind Surge]:

Hey Gurl! Imagine my surprise when I was perusing the Wind Surge’s front office page as planning for my stadium visits for the 2022 season, and saw your name. Once upon a time, in a galaxy, far, far away in 2019, you ensured that a Lancaster Viento shirt made to my doors in Redlands, CA before Opening Day in an effort that I can still only describe as absolutely heroic,  and should be the standard of service throughout Minor League Baseball. Unfortunately, many teams still employ the Pony Express to deliver their merchandise.

Anyway, it is wonderful that your are still in THE BIZ, and working for the team that is at the very top of my parks to visit next season. Riverfront Stadium looks absolutely gorgeous. I would have made it there this summer if not for a little side gig with the Eugene Emeralds. I also did make it to the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, Stockton Ports, Salt Lake City Bees, Lake Elsinore Storm, and of course my beloved Inland Empire 66ers. I refuse to go to a Rancho Cucamonga Quakes games until the baseball gods release hellfire from the sky to thoroughly scour the place.

I am not sure exactly when my travels will bring me to Wichita, but I would project July. I do have some questions about your stadium guide that I hope you can answer to alleviate the burdens of travel planning.

  1. I see you have a service dog only policy, and I applaud that. However, I recently acquired a Komodo dragon to keep the groupies at bay after my spike in popularity in Eugene. Does your organization make exceptions for these noble steeds? If not, could I hire security officers to keep the screaming masses away from me — officers with tasers?
  2. I see that Riverfront Stadium is a cashless stadium which limits peasants, Do you take Applebee’s gift cards. I keep receiving those damn things as presents, and I refuse to go back after the disaster in Salt Lake City after the Bees’ game.
  3. I see players and coaches are not allowed to sign autographs? What about me though? Not all my fans are savages, and it think it would be unduly harsh for my fans to be denied my autograph.
  4. It says all banners and signs are prohibited. I must ask you, Katie, are not t-shirts essentially a banner?
  5. I see that baby formula is allowed in the park. My good traveling companion, Bongwater, might be with me on this trip, and he suffers from the Benjamin Button Disease. His case is pretty advanced, and his doctor has prescribed him a formula of Fireball and Rumchata. I usually have to have a nip to ensure it has not been poisoned by an ex-lover. I assume this will not be a problem. Will Bongwater be able to be able to purchase a child’s ticket?
  6. Your guide states that “Any rebroadcast or reproduction of the game or event without the express written consent of the Wichita Wind Surge is prohibited.” Do you really have the manpower to enforce that?
  7. It is suggested lost children should contact Wichita Wind Surge Representative if they become lost? Are we just throwing STRANGER DANGER out the window?
  8. I see no noisemakers are allowed. Are xylophones considered noisemakers? Asking for a friend in Eugene.

I have any more questions but Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] informed me he quits reading my missives after a certain world count, so I will hold off on further questions. I look forward from hearing from you in the very near future.

Your friend in baseball, 

Bads85

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