Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
You are sorely missed in the Cactus League — all of the Ems’ front staff for that matter. Being with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] and Matt Dompe [Assistant General Manager & Home Broadcaster] is swell and all, but we have not even sniffed an electric scooter the entire trip. Tomorrow, The Resurrectionists roll into town. I hope Allan can keep up.
How is morale in Eugene with Allan in Arizona? The Emeralds Twitter feed seems a little bit bitter, feeling abandoned. I can assure the entire staff that Allan has not forsaken you. He really has not stopped working, perpetually thinking of new promotions and ways to improve the Emeralds’ experience while also praising his staff. It is kind of annoying actually. Hey, Allan, give it a rest already, man. Focus on the now, Dude. It is your round, and this plastic cup is not going to magically fill itself with Corona Light. Do not forget the lime this time.
Could you please forward Allan the invoice of my Premium Season Ticket Package? As you well know, he is a forever Doubting Thomas, and does not think I really bought premium season tickets even though I live 900 miles away for PK Park. He did advise me to wait to travel to Eugene until at least May because of weather conditions. While I usually ignore Allan’s conservative directives, I think I will heed this one. Let’s plan on May for my first arrival.
By now you have probably heard that I have been relieved of my Twitter duties with the Inland Empire 66ers. The official reason is they have finally hired a full time social media person, but I think when I told the Fresno Grizzlies that the only thing they led the California League in was stadium debt, some feathers were ruffled. Imagine the kerfuffle had I not deleted “You also lead the league in getting dumped — the Giants, Astros, the Nationals, and your own league.” I really am not too broken up about being let go because Twitter is a limited forum in terms of expressing my creativity, plus I need to get back to promoting all of minor league baseball — or at least the Eugene Emeralds.
Speaking of promotions, you guys should immediately announce a “Sometimes Too Much Lotrimin is Never Enough Night” in which fans will be encouraged to walk through the concourse, dropping their drawers at any given time and giving their nutsacks a little blast of the cool, wonderful relief. It is not as if Allan is going to leave the Cactus League to return to Eugene to stop it. Maybe next time he ventures to the Cactus League, he will think of it as an inclusive front office bonding activity.
Anyway, I have to run. Continue to burn witches and pound nails. Beware of the javelinas, and embrace the Jackalopes. As always, HYDRATE OR DIE!”
Your friend in baseball,