I Ask Max to Fix Things

Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Manger; Eugene Emeralds]:

Hello, my good friend! The last time I saw you, I left you to your own devices in a bar in Spokane after last call. Leaving you that night has haunted me, but Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer & Game Director, Eugene Emeralds] assured me it was the correct thing to do. I was going to reach out to you since then, but I became very busy designing golf polos for MiLB teams, running the Inland Empire 66ers Twitter account, and laying on the couch, searching for something to scratch. I hope you have been well over these past months.

I have a request for you. I have been on the Eugene Emeralds’ season ticket waiting list, and my number came up. Some dude named the New Alex called me (not Alex Stimson, who was conscripted by the Merchant Marines) to get me to buy a ticket, so I wrote him a letter inquiry, and the next thing I know, he sent me an invoice for $3150 for four season tickets and parking passes. I tried to explain to him that I only want one ticket with no parking because I plan on riding to the games in Allan Benavides’ truck, but I never heard from the lad again. I am sure he was thought he was part of an elaborate prank (maybe Allan told him not to respond to me anymore), but I really want one season ticket so I am not squeezed out when the new stadium opens. By then, I could very well be retired, living in Eugene waiting for all to offer me some side job with the Ems. Just think, you could be my boss one day!

I will probably only make it to Eugene once or twice this season, because I have to go promote MILB in Europe for most of June. I will have some companions with me, probably some of the most savage people you will have the good fortune to meet in your life. These guys do not ride electric scooters, Max, but I am getting ahead of myself here. I want to buy one season ticket and utilize your Flexible Ticket Exchange Program to the utmost extent. If the New Alex’s invoice is correct, a single seat is going for $745, which sure fine, but I bet you can give a Fellow Companion of the Road discount after our time in Spokane. In fact, my financial advisor says once all the appropriate discounts are applied to my account, the Emeralds owe me a considerable amount of money. Being the giver I am, I would never accept that, but I am sure we could come to a fair agreement and kick some funds to an Ems’ charity.

I just received an email from your organization trying to get me to buy group tickets, and I thought. “That is rather discriminatory to all the lonely people who do not have the capacity to attend a game with a group.” Immediately, I had another BOOM MOMENT. How about a promotion in which people with no one to attend their their name could sign up with people just like them, and they can all attend the game together? Just like that, we have created a social mixer. We can call it, “You Do Not Have to Die Alone Night” (or your crack promotions team can come up with some more soothing).

Is Allan doing well? I often worry that the stress of securing a new stadium will rob him of his youth and beauty. Had he let me wine and dine Mayor Lucy Vinis, the concrete for the new stadium would probably have been poured by now, but no sense looking back. We must look to the future, and what type of future would it be if Allan developed something like mange on the back of his head because of his anxieties? Perhaps we you see his eyes start to twitch a bit, you should give him a shoulder massage to help keep him young so he does not reach that grumpy old man stage quite yet.

I have to run. Give everyone in the front office my finest regards, even The New Alex.

Your friend in baseball,


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