Dear Anderson Rathbun [General Manager, Burlington Sock Puppets]:
I apologize for the lack of communication lately, but I have been starting a tour company — a baseball tour company. I do not expect to make money; in fact. I fully expect to lose money so I can write it off come tax time. Every trip to a baseball stadium is now an expense. Bads85 now is more than a one man traveling show; he is a LLC. I need a cool name for my company that expresses the savagery of these tours. This is not about idyllic entertainment; it is about rendering flesh from bone in the pursuit fleeting pleasure in world that only gives us a small amount of time. Family values? The only value offered on these tours are cheap concessions and dive bars.
But I digress. The main purpose of this missive is to inform you that I have awarded myself a more appropriate title. Henceforth, I am the Sock Puppets’ Minister of Industry. After all, a minister is much cooler than an ambassador, which has become a symbol of impotence in modern times. I would be forever in your debt if you had some official Sock Puppet Minister of Industry business cards printed for me. I of course will pay for the expense, especially since I can write it now that I am a business owner (how does “Unknown Legends Tours” sound to you?”
I am sure you have perused the Inland Empire 66er’s 2022 Promotion Schedule by now as it is the talk of the industry because it so excellent because it was highly influenced by me. I take full credit for beer on Thirsty Thursday being reduced by 50% from last season. Return of the Bacon Night is another one of my influences also. Hey, I just thought of something: due to my unique relationship with MiLB front offices, the tour company can charge for advice to MiLB clubs about what road warriors are expecting on a tour stop at their park. I will not charge you guys though because we are tight (as long as those business cards get printed).
I have a front office story you will appreciate: As you certainly know, affiliated MiLB teams are not allowed to use Robert Manfred’s likeness on t-shirts for sale to the general public. Recently, this has become a joke amongst certain west coast MiLB offices. Instead of remaining productive with assigned tasks (selling tickets, taking the mascot costume to the dry cleaners, ordering condiments, etc.), certain employees in the [Redacted] have been designing shirts that trash Manfred. Most of them are in the vein that since Manfred’s face cannot be used, another face is substituted with a caption. These shirts will never be made, nor will their designs be seen outside of an office or email.
Or so we thought.
Last week, I had a graphic design dude of a certain of organization design a shirt with Vladimir Putin’s face with a clown nose on shirt with the caption “Big Vladdy Manfred” under the image. It was shared, we laughed, and life went on. It was hardly one of the better ones, and it was soon forgotten… except Goddamn [REDACTED] sent it to someone OUTSIDE THE CIRCLE through her work email, and a certain organization is displeased and sent a certain front office a strongly worded letter that is now on a certain dart board.
It is not east being an outlaw. We are REPO MEN. Life is always intense.
Allow met to to address a circulating rumor: yes, I purchased a Premium Season Ticket Plan for the Eugene Emeralds even though I live 900 miles away from their stadium and technically work for them. I did this so when I am an earnest discussion with Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds], I can say, “You know, Allan, as a Premium Season Ticket holder, I can confidently say you are mistaken about how fans feel about Princess Night.”
Your friend in baseball,