Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Manger; Eugene Emeralds]:
Thank you for your impeccable service in closing my season ticket deal with the Eugene Emeralds. The fact that you closed a full season ticket deal with Bads85 even though his primary residence is almost a thousand miles away is going to look very good on your resume’. Only one other person in MiLB ever was able to convince me to sign a full season deal, and that is the legendary Sean Peterson [Sr. Director of Ticketing and Ballpark Operations]. You are in some rarefied air, and MiLB executives will step aside when you confidently stride through the winter meetings.
I would have thanked you immediately, but I became tangled in that Portland Pickle mascot theft fiasco. Dillon T. Pickle was stolen in early hours of the morning at the tail end of a comedy of errors on the Pickles’ part. I mean sure, it is awful the mascot costume was stolen of their porch, but what type of a professional organization lets their mascot out of their sight on their travels? You don’t check your mascot costume into a cargo hold; you put into two or three bags you can put in the overhead storage bins. As you well know, a mascot costume is worth more than two tickets sales representatives. Do not think for a second that Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] would choose you over Sluggo. If it came down to a life or death choice, Allan would say, “You know we are really going to miss Max…”
One of the cardinal rules in minor league baseball is to never let your mascot costume out of sight unless it is locked in its storage closet. The world is full of thieves and cutthroats who would like nothing more than to have a mascot uniform in a trophy case. The baseball gods invented minor league interns to watch mascot uniforms, especially in transit. If a college wood bat league cannot afford the intern to watch the costume, then perhaps they should not be taking the costume abroad. Yes, it is a harsh lesson, but MiLB is only suited for the strong and the swift. Hey, maybe you organization should insinuate that the Hillsboro Hops stole Dillon. Those guys do not believe in the Beer Batter or Thirsty Thursdays, so they should be likely suspects anyway.
How is Allan taking the news that I am a full time season ticket holder? His liver is probably already screaming for mercy. Is he apprehensive of a new era of responsibility because a galvanized fanbase will demand more from management? He should be. Having Squatch shot glasses in the team store would go a long way to appeasing a fan base that demands more for it entertainment dollar. Roving vendors that sell those little bottle of Fireball would be grand also.
How is the 2022 Promotion Schedule coming along? Your organization has my permission to use any likenesses of my ruggedly handsome face to get fans to come to the park. In fact, perhaps one the games I attend can be “Gorgeous Night”, and lucky fans who desire to have their picture taken with me can wait in a long line to seal the deal.
Hey, just where are my seats? I forgot to tell you where I preferred to sit — somewhere near the top near the beer stand on the third base side, preferably in the shade. I am at the age now where getting too much sun can wreak havoc with my sensitive skin. Hopefully Mayor Lucy Vinis will be sitting close by as she and I have a great deal to talk about.
Your friend in baseball,