Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Manager; Eugene Emeralds]:
I apologize for not writing since my triumphant return to Southern California after visiting Eugene last month, but the fair city in which I reside granted me a second green receptacle for yard waste, and the celebration has yet to ebb. Plus, there is that business of saving minor league baseball. Yes, I know we solved all of MiLB’s problems the last night I was in town when we closed The Cooler, but convincing the status quo to change is difficult, even when CERTAIN DOOM’s hot breath is tickling the nape of their necks.
How is my good friend Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds] doing these days? He seemed a bit stressed about the new stadium when I was there, and I understand why. If there is no new stadium, the team will end up in Yakima or Walla Walla, and Eugene will be a lesser, sadder place. I think you should coordinate a “Hug Allan Benavides Night “at PK Park. All the fans can show their love and support of the guru of minor league baseball in Eugene. Couple it with “Sometimes Too Much Lotrimin is Never Enough Night” in which fans will be encouraged to walk through the concourse and drop their drawers at any given time to giving their loins a little blast of the cool, wonderful relief. Trust my experience with this one; Lortimin is a FOREVER SPONSOR.
I do miss Eugene, Max. The beautiful natural scenery, the gorgeous people with their commitment to the arts, Voodoo Donuts, the outdoor recreation, and Sluggo’s outlaw spirit. I I miss the reasonably priced pitchers of beer at The Cooler also. I miss Fred Meyer, Toyota, Hilton, All State, and the other Ems’ corporate sponsors (this is the product placement paragraph of the missive). I do not pimp Pepsi though.
Hey, did I tell you I started a MiLB analytics company that examines attendance trends and their correlations with promotions? We named it, Be Better, and little did we know it would become a GOD MACHINE. We know that the Hillsboro Hops are only averaging 1879 fans per game, down 47% from their 2019 numbers. Perhaps they should embrace Thirsty Thursdays and the Beer Batter like civilized folk do instead of marching forwards to irrelevancy.
Speaking of promotions, I see Wednesday, July 27th is Beach Ball Giveaway Night. I regret I will not be able to attend because Wednesdays are my paintball skeet shooting night. I really believe that paintball skeet shooting is the participation sport of the future, Max. I strongly encourage you to suggest to Allan a night of that at PK Park. Launch hot dogs into the air, and fans who pay $5.00 for three shots get to show the prowess with sidearms. It sure would beat Princess Night, especially if we light some compost piles on fire. I am sure you have heard by now that Recycle Man for Spokane retired. Perhaps the Emeralds could obtain that costume, and modify it into NEW STADIUM MAN.
You are probably wondering, “Bads85, when are you coming back to Eugene? You still have tickets to use. Will you be here before your now annual Northwest League Post Season Pilgrimage?” I am planning on a weekend trip, but as you well know, I am a busy man with many future commitments. Perhaps if I were allowed to participate in the planning of Sluggo’s (and Allan’s birthday bash), I could target that weekend.
I need to run — planning for the Arizona Fall League just does not happen by itself. Once I have firm dates, I will inform you so you can make plans to attend.
Your friend in baseball,
PS: Don’t forget to hug Allan!