I Talk To Max About Crushing His Soul in Fantasy Football

Dear Max Mennemeier [Ticket Sales Emperor Eugene Emeralds]:

Good day, Sir. I am certain that you are wondering if I am returning to Eugene before the season’s end, or will I just appear at the Emeralds annual triumphant playoff march in whatever foreign land that might be. I do not have a firm answer because the Inland 66ers are in a pennant race for the first time in eight years. I will keep you posted though as I know the front office and Ems’ fans would really like to see me again before the cruel onset of winter.

Do the Emeralds have any openings in their Front Office Fantasy Football League? As you well know, I made quite the splash in the 66ers’ league last year, and I am looking to expand my dominance into the Northwest League. Who is the commissioner to whom I can I direct my inquiries as you are a busy man with the weight of the world on your shoulder.

Some of your compatriots might be saying “We love Bads85, but we are not letting a carpet bagger into our league. His Fantasy Football drafting skills and roster execution is renown.” Tell your co-workers I am not coming for their money (I will take it though in the spirit of competition), but for the camaraderie of the league. I bring joy to any league I play in because of my warm personality and wit. People often root for me even when I on the weeks I play them.

I also bring high stakes wagering to the league – not simple monetary bets because currency does not hold my interest because of my great spiritual wealth. No, I create wagers that enhance people’s souls. For example, the league champion should get an office next  Allan Benavides [General Manager; Eugene Emeralds at the new stadium. Since I will almost certainly win this league, that means our fair GM has to formally hire me. Think of the sunshine I will bring to the new stadium every day!

If I were playing Danny Cowley [Graphic Designer & Game Director; Eugene Emeralds]; the wager might be that he would have to design an Ems t-shirt of my design (say a “Squatch Don’t Live Here No More 2025” imposed over an image of PK Park) after I defeat him. On the very small chance I lose, I would have to buy him a couple dozen Voodoo donuts. Or raise thousands of dollars for his favorite charity because I am a giver. I will let him decide. 

When I play Patrick Sajac [Director of Partnerships and Promotions], if I win, the Ems must re-enact the Battle of Antietam on the diamond through the spectacle of paint ball before a game. I have been having an ongoing debate with strangers on the internet about the North’s failure to capitalize on opportunities that would have crushed the Army of Virginia, and some visuals would go a long way to putting some things to rest. Chris Bowers can be General Robert E. Lee, and Allan can be General McClellan. If I lose… who I we kidding? I cannot lose to that guy.

Hey, I see Bricks and Minifigs’ Pinewood Derby Night is this weekend. You know what makes those races more exciting? Packing the cars with explosives, and the loser goes BOOM! As you well know Max, there are no participation trophies in the Pinewood Derby, just winning and failure. The landfills of Oregon are filled with the poorly designed losing cars. Turn them to ash, and let the healing begin. I have a guy who really knows what he is doing in terms of packing explosives into small cars — he is an Eagle Scout!

Anyway, I must run because it is Thirsty Thursday. An ambassador’s job is never really done.

Your friend in baseball,


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